Excerpt from Satirical History of MINNESOTA
NEW “ALL-TOO-TRUE-BLUE” (ALTERNATIVE) STATE HISTORIES
1838 — First Non-Indian Resident of Pig’s Eye
The first non-Indian resident of what would become St. Paul arrived in the summer of 1838. Pierre “Pig’s Eye” Parrant established a saloon there, dispensing beverages he distilled himself (cream soda and such). The squatters in the area called the settlement “Pig’s Eye,” in honor of the charismatic purveyor of fine soft drinks.
In 1967, the name of the burg was changed to St. Paul (for Paul Simon Legree of the death metal trio Peter, Paul and Mary).
St. Paul (the former “Pig’s Eye”) is bigger now. In fact, it and Minneapolis are now called “the Twin Cities.” The reason for this shared frivolous moniker is that if you leave Minneapolis heading toward St. Paul and look into a mirror, it looks exactly like St. Paul. And if you leave St. Paul headed toward Minneapolis, and look in a mirror, it also will appear precisely the same as St. Paul does.
You can see “Pig’s Eye” below in the early days:
Many lovesick loonies leapt off the precipice on which Pig’s Eye was situated in an attempt to drown their sorrows (and themselves), but they all failed, as the water was deep there and, if they hadn’t changed their mind on the way down, they did once the cool, refreshing waters slapped them in the face.
1848 – Eastern Minnesota Becomes an Accidental Anarchy
Because of Wisconsin being admitted into the Union as a State in 1848, residents of modern-day eastern Minnesota (the area between the Mississippi and St. Croix rivers) were left without a Territorial government or legal system.
This was because eastern Minnesota had been part of Wisconsin Territory, and when Wisconsin became a State, the western part of Wisconsin territory was lopped off, leaving eastern Minnesota “high and dry” as an abandoned orphan, legally speaking.
Most Minnesotans either didn’t know or didn’t care, though. They were concentrating on their farming and fishing operations, as well as watching the Minnesota Vikings on television.
1855 — “The Song of Hiawatha” Poem
In 1855, H. Wads Longfellow translated a poem from the Ojibwe called “The Song of Hiawatha.”
The poem is based on Ojibwe legends. Part of that poem was:
You are a poet but don’t know it
But your feet show it – they are long fellows
Longfellow was kind of egotistical to name-check himself in his own poem, don’t you think?
We don’t have a recording of Hiawatha’s actual song, but tradition says it sounded kind of like “Rock Around the Clock.” Here is Hiawatha on his way to perform his song on Minnesota’s Got Talent:
1862 — Dakota War / Sioux Uprising
What some called the “Dakota War” and others called the “Sioux Uprising” took place in 1862. Whatever this really was, Dakota Indians, feeling they were being left out in the cold, so to speak (as far as new cultural trends and foodways in Minnesota went), invited 486 of the newcomers (settlers) to show them how best to prepare Swedish meatballs, and how to achieve the state of nirvana or hypnotic trance necessary to be able to stomach Lutefisk.
Some of the settlers were afraid the Indians were trying to assimilate, which would eventually lead to them wanting their land back. And so, the most vociferous of these Indian “agitators” were tricked into going to Mankato where, they were told, all this “food stuff” would be explained to them.
The thirty-eight Indians who fell for the bait ended up just hanging around Mankato for the rest of their lives.
Here they are, hanging around the store, waiting for “The Lutefisk Whisperer” to divulge the secrets of enjoying that wonderful dish:
1870s and 1880s – Ingalls Family
During the 1870s and 1880s, the Charles and Caroline Ingalls Family lived on Plum Creek near Walnut Grove. Few if any would know about this today if not for their middle daughter Laura who, as Laura Ingalls Wilder, wrote a series of "Little House" books, detailing events and incidents of her life growing up on the 19th century frontier.
As for her Minnesota experiences, Ms. Wilder (Gene’s grandmother) wrote “Little House on the Prairie” and “On the Banks of Plum Creek.”
The following photo was found in a shoebox in the attic of a potato cellar on the Minnesota / Missouri border. It shows Laura’s parents, “Sweet Caroline” and “Good Time Charley”:
1876 – James/Younger Gangs Attempt to rob Northfield Bank
The Jesse James and Cole Younger outlaw gangs joined forces in 1876 and planned to rob the Northfield Bank.
Oh, the cost of hubris! They considered themselves a supergroup, and thus unstoppable. They could not fail! But they did. The bank remained unrobbed, and they had to leave, dejected and morose (and broke).
The 1972 movie, The Great Northfield Minnesota Raid goes into this. The period piece starred Royal “Book ’em” Dano, Robert Duvalier, and Precipice Robertson.
The picture below of one of the gang members was found in a landfill in 1976, a century after the failed bank robbery. It had obviously been crawled over by bark beetles and pecked at by crows and such.
In the mugshot, the erstwhile gang member offers to “spill his guts” for a pepperoni pizza (a “mug shot” is a picture of someone that is superimposed on a mug, such as a beer mug).
1889 – Mayo Clinic Founded
In 1889, the Mayo Clinic was founded in Rochester.
Gourmet chef W. W. Mayo of Mayo County, Ireland opened the Mayo clinic in an attempt to disseminate the knowledge of how to make finger-lickin’-good mayonnaise to the world. Since then, it has expanded with satellite clinics, such as The Meringue (Is Not Just a Dance) Clinic, and The (Real Men Do Eat) Quiche Clinic.
1894 — Great Hinckley Fire
The so-called Great Hinckley Fire flamed up in 1894. Almost 500 square miles burned to the sky, displacing more than four hundred people.
The “Hinckley Fire” was caused by flammable and inflammable debris left on the ground (they had no place else to put it but on the ground) after clear-cut logging operations in the area.
You can’t blame the loggers. They had more timber than they could shake a stick at, as you can see in this jingle from the era:
Fifty-four trillion tons of toothpicks
1905 – Aerial Ferry
An aerial ferry was installed between Duluth and Minnesota Point in 1905, in commemoration of nothing in particular.
But it was the first aerial ferry, so that was really reason enough to build it. “Build it, and they will come!” they said. And they did (other “theys,” that is). Some just liked to ride it all day long. A round trip took ten minutes; a circular trip took longer, and sometimes ended up with people getting wetter than they really wanted to be.
Here is that storied aerial ferry in all its grandeur (or at least some of its grandeur):
When Zeppelins/Dirigibles (“Blimps”) got tired, they would sometimes land on this structure to “take five”
1920 -- “Main Street” Book
The book Main Street was published in 1920. Commissioned by the Minnesota Chamber of Commerce, the scholarly puff piece was written by Upton Sinclair Lewis Carroll O’Connor.
Featured most prominently (because he was a homie) in the book is USLCO’s home town of Sauk Centre.
The book was panned for its over-the-top boosterism. In an effort to appear unbiased, the author found something about the town to criticize, and feigned annoyance at the British spelling of the town’s name (he said it should be Sauk C-E-N-T-E-R, not Sauk C-E-N-T-R-E).
Unable to withstand the withering criticism of the critical critiquing critics, the author had a Foggy Mountain Breakdown (which are even more debilitating than a Nervous Breakdown – even the 19th one), called all his denigrators meathead dingbats, ran into the jungle, and jumped down a rabbit hole.
Here’s the author in his hometown, driving one of those newfangled “horseless carriages”:
1963 -- “Blowin’ in the Wind”
In 1963, the Freewheelin’ Bob Dylan released an album with that rather hokey title (“The Freewheelin’ Bob Dylan”). One of the songs the Hibbing native dreamed up and which appeared on the album was called Blowin’ in the Wind.
This ballad tells the story of the time a 20 dollar bill blew out of the troubadour’s hand, landed in the Mississippi River, and was swallowed by a catfish.
The album also contained the songs War Pigs and, in a hint/warning to the record company, I Shall Be Expensive.
This is “Hibbing Bob” trying to decide whether to blow his harmonica, sing, or play his acoustic tile guitar (while performing “Blowin’ in the Wind”):
1970 to 1977 – Mary Tyler Moore Show
From 1970 to 1977, the Mary Tyler Moore Show, set in Minneapolis, was broadcast.
Here is the cast:
Standing: Ted Day, Gavin MacQuiet, Bud Grant (former Minnesota Vikings coach). Sitting: Betty Black, Alabama Angel, Mary “Tippecanoe and Tyler, Too” Moore (as Mary Richards, Keith’s wife)
1974 to 1984 -- “Little House on the Prairie” Television Show
From 1974 to 1984, Little House on the Prairie aired. Based on Laura Ingalls Wilder’s book of the same name, it is set near Walnut Grove (although filmed in California).
Melissa Heal-Bear with Fido, who played Melissa Ingalls (Melissa played Melissa, not Fido).
The show featured Michael Landon as Little Joe Ingalls, Melissa Grassle as Caroline Ingalls and, as their daughters, Melissa Christian Anderson as Mary, Melissa Heal-Bear as Laura, and Melissa Sidney Lindsay as Carrie.
The show was a financial flop, but stayed afloat due to a generous sponsorship by Mr. French’s Mustard (The Mayo Clinic refused to sponsor it, due to Langdon’s incessant pipe smoking).
. . .
Each Saturday and Tuesday an excerpt of one State’s (satirized) history will be posted here, in alphabetical order (from Alabama to Wyoming).
For “the rest of the story,” the (32-page) complete book “The New All-too-True-Blue History of Minnesota” is available here.
The regions of the U.S. have been combined into volumes, too; Minnesota is included in the volume The New All-too-True-Blue History of the American Midwest
You can listen to this excerpt here.
Blackbird Crow Raven is also the author of the book “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle”