Excerpt from Satirical History of WASHINGTON
NEW “ALL-TOO-TRUE-BLUE” (ALTERNATIVE) STATE HISTORIES
TIME IMMEMORIAL – Lots of Water
The first residents of Washington were drops of water. Lots of them. There was so much water that the Columbia Valley got gorged with it.
The Indians that were drawn to the region for its guaranteed insurance against perishing from thirst and its scenic splendor fished and used cedar bark not only for building bungalows and boats, but for clothing, too (which they fashioned from the bark).
The Indians didn’t fish just for the halibut, but also for the salmon, shellfish, and whales. It was considered good form to wrestle, or wrangle, the whales.
1543 – Spain Claims the Pacific Northwest
The European powers were always trying to hog more land. Roaming around in ships were representatives of Spain, Portugal, Holland, England, France – you name it.
In 1543, a Spaniard aimlessly sailing about saw the area and claimed the entire Pacific Northwest for Spain.
1579 – Coast of Washington Claimed by England
Angry that they had been beaten to the punch by the Spaniards, British sailor Francis Drake claimed the coast of Washington for England in 1579.
Little did he know, apparently, that Spain had already claimed the land, and so having just the coast might not be all that handy for England.
In an effort to lighten things up and provide some entertainment for his weary crew, Drake tried on a girdle and practiced for his role in a farcical Shakespeare play entitled “The Royal Nonesuch”:
“Is this the right way to hold a blunderbuss?”
1774 — Juan Perez Sees Olympus
Another explorer, Juan Perez, came poking around in 1774. From the crow's nest of his ship, he spied (he was using a spyglass) Olympus.
Excited almost beyond belief, he told his driver to pull up to the shore. Perez walked inland. This was the first known landfall by a European. “Landfall” is when a sailor, accustomed to walking a certain way while on the high seas, gets off onto Lubberland and loses his balance, falling down on land.
When Perez verified that what he thought he was seeing from the crow's nest really was Olympus, he sent a telegraph to his mother to send his Greek textbooks ASAP, as he wanted to talk to the folks that lived there.
They must have gotten lost in the mail somehow.
1807 to 1811 — Columbia River Explored
From 1807 to 1811, a Canadian by the unlikely name of David Thompson explored the Columbia River all the way to the Pacific. Not knowing what else to do once he got there, he then shrugged his shoulders and “punted” by claiming the area for the British.
In hindsight, though, “Thompson” felt he had wasted those four years. He wished he had stayed home and played “Pacman” on his PC. Back in those olden days, “PC” stood for “Personal Computer,” not “Politically Correct” as it does now.
1825 – Hudson's Bay Leaf Company Builds Warehouses
The Hudson's Bay Leaf Company began building warehouses in Washington in 1825 to store herbs – not just Bay Leaf, but also Oregano (from Oregon), Garlic, Parsley, Sage, Rosemary & Thyme.
Two of these warehouses they named Fort Vancouver and Fort Colville.
Because there were rumors of Bay Leaf poachers afoot, the CEO set up some cannons at Fort Vancouver, aimed at the Bay Leaf thickets beyond the clearing, to discourage unauthorized gleaning of the company's products:
1847 — Whitman Massacre
At the Whitman Massacre in 1847, which took place at the Whitman's ritzy mansion in Walla Walla, huge stashes of boxes of candy, intended for orphans in the east, were scarfed up by gangs of masked robbers.
Some confederates of those responsible tried to start a rumor that the attackers were Cayenne Indians, who were trying to spice things up by charging in, a-whooping and a-hollering like that there.
No matter who the guilty parties were, this candy binging greatly influenced later desperadoes, such as the Frito Bandito and the Hamburglar.
Below you can see the candy works as it appeared before the jawdroppingly audacious theft of the goodies. The smokestacks are where the candy Haystacks were made.
1851 — Seattle “Founded”
Seattle was founded in 1851 by a guy who walkded up, lookded around, and then founded it (it was there the whole time, but it was named “Duwamps” back in those days).
This was not unusual; the city we now know as Bellingham was called “Howcome” back then. How come? Yes.
But back to Seattle/Duwamps: Always to be on the cutting edge musically, Seattle was the birthplace of the musical genre known as “Duwamps,” which gave us such great songs as Earth Penguin, In the Moonshine of the Night, Sh-Crash, Why Do Fools Fall Off Ladders, Blue Pluto, The Lion Snores Tonight, and Rama Lama Twinkie.
1872 – Kaiser Wilhelm Arbitrates Border Dispute
Kaiser Wilhelm of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick stepped in to arbitrate a border dispute between England and the Ewe-Knighted States in 1872.
Both nations claimed ownership of the San Juan Islands off the coast of Washington. When the Kaiser told them in private that the islands really rightly belonged to neither one of them, but to Puerto Rico, they quickly settled matters, lest this intelligence be broadcast to the Puerto Ricans. For a “consideration,” England renounced its claim on the archipelago.
Just to be on the safe side, the Ewe-Knighted States later took control of Puerto Rico so that either way they would still have the San Juan Islands.
1933 – Grand Coulee Dam
The Grand Coulee Dam began construction in 1933, and was completed in 1941.
Midgets were used to work on this project, as you can see below.
1941 - “Roll On Columbia”
In 1941, rabble-rousing troubadour Woody Guthrie was commissioned to write songs extolling the harnessing of hydraulic power to produce electricity.
Guthrie hit the nail on the head with his song “Roll On Columbia,” which contains the lyric “Your Power is Turning the Darkness to Dawn, Roll On, Columbia, Roll On”
Here's Woody in his pre-Toy Story days:
“Roll On, Columbia” by Woody Guthrie can be heard here:
1967 - “Are You Experienced?”
Seattleite Jim E. Hydrox set the music world on its ear with the release of his bagpipe-driven album Are You Experienced? in 1967.
Among others, some of the tunes on that recording are Purple Hay Balers; Hey Joe McCarthy; The Wind Cries Gertrude; Fire (& Water & Plasma); as well as Lady Fox
Here's Jim E. playing his guitar-shaped bagpipe left-handed (he was so good at playing it right-handed, he felt he needed the challenge):
Traditional pipers complained that, although his technique was good, “Mr. Hydrox,” as they referred to him, forgot to wear a kilt.
1971 – D.B. Cooper
In 1971, D. B. Cooper jumped out of a jet airplane, somewhere between the Portland and Seattle-Tacoma airports.
This was all well and good, but a controversy has brewed and over-steeped ever since, namely: What does D.B. stand for, anyway?
Some strongly assert D. B. stands for “Duffel Bag,” and that it was simply a nickname given him because he carried such an item with him.
Others counter that argument with the assertion that it obviously stands for DataBase.
There are even some who seriously claim that it stands for “Dumb Bunny,” because he jumped out of the plane without a change of underwear or any sensible shoes (he was wearing flip-flops as he took the plunge).
You decide: based on his visage, as shown below (from FBI-generated X-Rays created by robotic drones embedded in the seat-backs enhanced by age-progression algorithms written by Ukrainian whiz kids), what do you think D.B. stands for?
I don't want to influence your decision, but I say D.B. stands for “Decidedly Businesslike”
1975 – Gates and Allen Launch Microsoft
In 1975, Willy Gates and Paul Allen launched their new company, naming it Microsoft; Both of these young men came from privileged backgrounds and prominent families.
Thus, much was expected of them to “make good.” Their relatives had set the bar high, and if they didn't excel, my word! – they might even be cut off from their families and no longer have access to the lifestyle that had formed their outlook on life.
To give you an idea of the kind of pressures these young whippersnappers were under (after all, they were barely out of their teens at the time), Willy’s brother David was an accomplished musician and singer/songwriter with the soft-rock band Bread (they had recorded such hit songs as Baby I'm-a Wanna Donut, Grammar Don't Matter to Me, Lost Without Your GPS, and Sweet Succotash.
Paul's brother, on the other hand, was famous for a type of wrench he had invented. The Allen boys also had a great-great-great-grandfather named Ethan who built furniture for a living.
So, as you can see, the pressure was on. Big time.
1976 - “Dreamboat Annie” Album
Twin sisters Venus and Serena Williams formed a rock band in Seattle in 1976. After rejecting Liver, Kidney, Spleen, Gall Bladder, Small Intestine, and Large Intestine, they finally settled on Heart as the name of their band.
1980 — Mt. St. Helens Blows Its Top
Mt. St. Helens erupted in 1980. It had been rumbling, shaking, belching, and quaking for quite some time. Those at the foot of the mountain were strongly encouraged to skedaddle. Most did.
But one old codger, a certain Harry Truman, lived on the side of the mountain like a hermit and refused to budge. He had been there ever since he had dropped bombs on Japan in World War 2. He was afraid he might meet some Japanese people out in public, and the conversation might become awkward.
When Truman first mounted Mt. St. Helens – when he climbed up it, that is – he ran across the patron saint of the area, saint Mt. St. Helens. After a brief discussion, these two wrestled each other over whether the mountain was named for Helen of Troy, Helen Hunt, or Helen Keller.
The saint, the patron saint, was adamant that Helen of Troy was the namesake. Truman blew his top and leapt upon the saint, babbling and spluttering and basically going berserk and having an apoplectic fit.
Even though the saint was getting the best of him (using his heavy-duty flashlight as a cudgel and nightstick), Truman blindly fought on, deaf to the pleas of the onlookers to “stop this madness” (that was the bluejays advising him in that manner), and too angry to even speak.
Harry demanded that the saint admit that the mountain was named for Dulcinea del Toboso Helen Keller.
It didn't really matter in the end who was right, or who won the fight, though, because this happened:
That was all she wrote for Harry, who remained on the mountain
. . .
Each Saturday and Tuesday an excerpt of one State’s (satirized) history will be posted here, in alphabetical order (from Alabama to Wyoming).
For “the rest of the story,” the (32-page) complete book “The New All-too-True-Blue History of Washington” is available here.
The regions of the U.S. have been combined into volumes, too; Washington is included in the volume The New All-too-True-Blue History of the American West
You can listen to this excerpt here.
Blackbird Crow Raven is also the author of the book “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle”