Excerpt from Satirical History of OKLAHOMA
NEW “ALL-TOO-TRUE-BLUE” (ALTERNATIVE) STATE HISTORIES
Time Immemorial – Paleo-Indians
The first human residents of Oklahoma were Paleo-Indians. This type are in contrast to the Oleo-Indians. Whereas Oleo-Indians added Oleomargarine to their popcorn (an Indian delicacy, linchpin of their culture, and mainstay of their foodways), Paleo-Indians added Paleomargarine, which is a little lighter in both color and flavor than oleomargarine is.
Some of the Paleo-Indians were rock collectors. One of these collections was uncovered during an archaeological “dig” in the basement of a museum:
1803 – Napoleon Dynamite Sells Oklahoma to the Ewe-Knighted States
France, through its skilled negotiator Napoleon Dynamite, sold Oklahoma to the Ewe-Knighted States in 1803.
Here's Napoleon caught in the act, as usual, scratching his belly button. Having “a thing” for islands, he wanted to be remembered as a great navel hero:
1838 and 1839 – Cherokee Trail of Tears
So many Cherokees wanted to leave their homeland and transplant themselves in Oklahoma that it took two years for them to do it. In both 1838 and 1839, they made a long vacation of it. Singing merrily as they traipsed along, the Cherokee could not hold back from gushing out rivers of tears of happiness. The path they took was practically inundated with these liquid drops of joy.
It was such a spectacle, in fact, to see these happy people tripping along, that seven thousand soldiers went AWOL just for the joy of accompanying them and sharing in their elevated spirits. And four thousand of these Cherokee stated that they died from happiness (so to speak) on the way.
Here is a sketch of one of these Cherokee fortunates, taken years after the joyful occasion. She is reminiscing about how her children skipped and jumped and jubilantly sang happy ditties throughout their jaunt in the sun across the lush meadows and such.
As you can cipher from the dates and her age, she was in her mid-thirties when this carefree highlight of her life, the leisurely lark of a walk to Oklahoma, took place.
1889 – Division of Indian Territory
The government decided in 1889 to divide “Indian Territory” in two. The eastern half would retain the name “Indian Territory” and would be populated by the “5 Civilian Tribes” (those who were not in the military) while the western half housed the Plain Indians (those who were in the military and thus dressed plainly, or drably). The western half would be named “Oklahoma Territory.”
This confused almost everybody, so the government was satisfied and felt they had done their duty and accomplished their purpose.
1889 – Land Rush
There was a giant mud slide in Oklahoma in 1889. This came to be known retroactively as the Oklahoma Land Rush.
During this period of bizarre metaphysical and quasi-geological activity, there were actually eleven of these big mud slides between 1889 and 1895. And this was before the days of fracking!
Some people claim they heard “booms” in connection with these natural events. Showing the brotherly love they felt, many stalwarts from all around the country came to the rescue to search for any who may have suffered a mishap due to these slides. Here is an example of those selfless individuals courageously risking life and limb to help their fellowman:
1890 – Sooners
During one of the landslides -- the one that occurred in 1890 -- some benefactors of humanity so wanted to help out that they “jumped the gun” so to speak, and stormed into the breach before any “booms” had even been heard.
When these were asked how they knew the “boom” was about to occur, these civic-minded individuals hid the dynamite plunger behind their back and said, “I'd sooner move to Yellow Knife, Northwest Territories as tell you that.”
To prevent further nonsense, these “jump-the-gunners” were awarded land in the township of Guthrie. They were shown the property and told, “This land is your land.”
1902 – Indian Territory Attempts Statehood as Sequoyah
In 1902, principals of the Indian Territory government wanted to become a state on their own, to be named Sequoyah. In other words, they preferred to be a separate State from Oklahoma Territory. The Ewe-Knighted States (federal) government disallowed this, though, wanting to form a joint state from the two territories.
At the time, nobody cared enough about it to ask whether they wanted to name their new State after the optometrist below on the left (shown with a special eye chart he devised), or one of the trees on the right (probably the tall one).
1907 – Statehood
In 1907, Oklahoma Territory and Indian Territory merged together and became a new State, named Oklahoma, which means “Red Man Tobacco.”
This is the first known case of a State selling its naming rights to a commercial enterprise. The picture below indicates how canny this company was, due to its brilliant advertising slogan:
Darrin Stevens, eat your heart out!
Picture provided by Roseohioresident
1921 – Tulsa Race Riot
In the Tulsa neighborhood of Greenwood in 1921, some local toughs (Marlon Brando and James Dean) challenged each other to a race on their tricycles (they were too young for cars and motorcycles and such yet).
Marlon's gang was there to cheer him on and attach playing cards to the spokes of his trike so it would sound cool when he pedaled.
The James gang, on the other hand, came to support their buddy, and make sure his hair was “just right.”
When the race ended up in a virtual tie, there was a huge and very heated argument over who had won (this was in the days before instant replay).
A veritable riot broke out between the rival gangs, with Brando pulling Dean's hair, and Dean pulling a knife (it was a butter knife he had run to his house to fetch) on Marlon.
After a lot of yelling and pushing on the part of all the boys, some of the neighborhood mothers came out onto the street with rolling pins in their hands, and the boys dispersed.
This incident was the most dramatic to ever occur there, though, and is still referred to as the “Tulsa Race Riot.”
The worst thing about the situation was that those mothers who had abandoned their kitchens in the middle of cooking dinner had forgotten, in the heat of the moment, to turn off their stoves. Thus, all of their houses burned down, as you can see in this song written by Don Williams, “Livin' on Tulsa Time”:
1929 to 1939 – Dust Bowl, Depression, and Migration
The decade from 1929 to 1939 was not the best for the State of Oklahoma, nor for its neighboring States. The entire country was beset by an economic depression, in fact. This was exacerbated by the “Dust Bowl” period, where dust mites flew into the area from California where they belonged and should have stayed.
This double whammy led to an outward migration from Oklahoma. Those taking part in this were called “Exodusters” due to their making an Exodus because of the Dust.
Here are of few of these emigrants, on the road:
1939 -- “Grapes of Wrath”
In 1939, John Steinbeck published his novel Grapes of Wrath. It dealt with an Oklahoma family, the Joads, who begrudgingly left their land in Oklahoma to move to California, where they had been told there was plenty of work.
There was lots of work, but not enough to go around, as people from all over the regions affected by the Dust Bowl were moving to California based on the same misleading information.
Grapes of Wrath won the National Book Award as well as the Pulitzer prize for fiction.
The following year (1940, for those who are mathematically challenged), Grapes of Wrath was given “The Hollywood treatment” (filmed) as a comedy, starring Peter Fonda, Dennis Rodman, O.J. Simpson, and many other top comedians.
Here's Jane Fonda (Peter's mother) trying to keep a straight face when Dennis showed up on the set in a Tutu:
1940 -- “This Land Is Your Land”
Trying to condense the theme of Steinbeck's Grapes of Wrath down to a three-minute song, Woody Guthrie, of Okemah, Oklahoma, wrote his campfire singalong This Land is your Land.
It is the official Real Estate Agent song. Such are required by bylaw to sing this song to their customers when they sign on the dotted line for a little pink house with a white picket fence and two cats in the yard (cats not included).
It is interesting to note the artistic process that led to this song being written: Guthrie always kept a notebook under his pillow. One night in 1940, via mental telepathy coupled with a bluetooth device, the song he had dreamed up in his sleep appeared on that notebook, as if by magic, as you can see below.
Note (no pun intended): Although written in 1940, the song wasn't released until 1951.
1950 -- “Tennessee Waltz”
In 1950, Claremore's own Patti Page (a former stenographer, as you can tell by her name), recorded the song Tennessee Waltz.
Most people loved it, especially those in Tennessee, who would dance to it while wearing coonskin caps and yelling “Yee! Doggy!”
Oklahomans, though, didn't particularly like it. In fact, they hated it. Being an Oklahoman, they thought Page should have sang the Oklahoma Waltz instead.
Truth be told, I am taking a great risk even adding a section for Ms. Page in this dependable volume of grim history, as several Oklahomans have threatened me with an infestation of boll weevils if I proceed.
Behold my bold tenacity and intrepid courage in introducing this account here!
In an attempt at compromise (and to keep the boll weevils out of my foodstuffs), I insert Ms. Page in her “Oklahoma duds” (note the Bolo tie):
1955 – Movie “Oklahoma”
In 1955, the farming/ranching documentary Oklahoma was released. It was set in 1906 Oklahoma Territory (just prior to Statehood). The documentary featured Gordon Lightfoot, Shirley Partridge, Judd “Dizzy” Gillespie, et al.
To be more precise as to location, this dull and plodding waste of time and energy was set in Claremore.
Famous Claremorians include the aforementioned Patti Page, a punk-rocker whose magnum opus was an album named Horses, Cows, Chickens, Ducks, Pigs, Sheep, and Other Farm Animals. Page also invented a method of book binding, called the Smyth method. Last but certainly not least, Poet Lariat Will Rogers is connected with the area.
1961 -- “Where the Red Fern Grows” Novel
In 1961, falsetto Lou Rawls (a regular on the Lawrence Welk Show and renowned interpreter of Wagner's Lohengrin) wrote a memoir of his life growing up in Oklahoma.
Rawls named his scholarly work (primarily targeting botanists, canine breeders, and epicureans as his audience) Where the Red Fern Grows.
You'll never find a better book about redbone coonhound hunting dogs. And if you do, I will deny it, anyway. Write your own history of Oklahoma if you don't agree!
Where the Red Fern Grows is set in the Ozarks of Oklahoma, commonly referred to as the “Cherokee Ozarks.”
As you can see below, the Ozarks are mostly located in Missouri and Arkansas, but a good piece of it is in Oklahoma, too (Tahlequah, in Cherokee County, etc.):
. . .
Each Saturday and Tuesday an excerpt of one State’s (satirized) history will be posted here, in alphabetical order (from Alabama to Wyoming).
For “the rest of the story,” the (32-page) complete book “The New All-too-True-Blue History of Oklahoma” is available here.
The regions of the U.S. have been combined into volumes, too; Oklahoma is included in the volume The New All-too-True-Blue History of the American Southwest, which includes Arizona, New Mexico, Oklahoma, and Texas
You can listen to this excerpt here.
Blackbird Crow Raven is also the author of the book “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle”