Excerpt from Satirical History of SOUTH DAKOTA
NEW “ALL-TOO-TRUE-BLUE” (ALTERNATIVE) STATE HISTORIES
1803 — The Ewe-Knighted States Buys “Louisiana” From France
Just a couple of years after Spain gave South Dakota back to the French, the Ewe-Knighted States bought what was then called “Louisiana” from France. Still, from this time until 1858, the area was more or less left to the Dakota Sioux and St. Louis fur traders.
A careful examination of the purchase agreement shown below makes plain that the “Louisiana” that France was selling and the Ewe-Knighted States was buying was a good deal larger than simply the State of Louisiana:
Only a portion of Louisiana proper was included in the so-called Louisiana Purchase, but the entire shebang of several other states was, such as Nebraska, Kansas, et al, and in fact the lion's share of South Dakota
1804 – Lewis & Clark
Soon after that western chunk of territory was purchased, Tommy Jefferson ordered Mericlimate Lewis & Billy Clark to go give it a once-over.
Lewis & Clark entered South Dakota in late August of 1804, near present-day Vermilion.
1817 — Fur Trading Post in Fort Pierre
Originally called Fort Pee-Air (for its lack of outhouses), a place later known as Fort Pierre was set up by Joseph LaFramboise (affectionately called “The Raspberry” due to a discolored growth on his nose) as a fur trading post in 1817.
This “fort” was actually a sort of pawn shop where Hollywood starlets, such as Zsa Zsa Gabor, Daryl Hannah, Jenny Lind, Lotta Crabtree, and Phyllis Diller would pawn, purchase, and reclaim furs of Mink, Weasel, Wolverines, Woolly Mammoths, and Duck-billed Platypi.
There were over 100 fur trading posts in South Dakota in the first half of the 19th century, but Fort Pee-Air was the first, and is the oldest continuously-occupied Euro-American settlement in South Dakota. Famed mountain man Jeremiah Johnson once passed through on his way to the first Sundance Film Festival.
Here's a quadrophonic rendering of the fort by Karl Escher, an optical ventriloquist of the day:
1861 — Territoryhood
Dakota Territory was formed in 1861. It included not only both Dakotas, but also parts of Montana and Wyoming. Prior to this, South Dakota had been part of various territories, namely the Missouri, Michigan, Wisconsin, Iowa, Minnesota, and Nebraska Territories.
1863 – First South Dakota Homestead
After the passage of the Homestead Act the previous year (1862), South Dakota had its first taker in 1863, as various members of the rock 'n' roll band Blackfoot moved in and “set up housekeeping” together.
Subsequent homesteaders included sculpture model Deranged Horse, “anchorman” (which is apparently some sort of haywire sailor who likes to stay in the same place all the time) Tom Brokejaw, baseball skipper Sparkplug Anderson, RCMP fan-boy Sitting-on-his-Haunches Bull, peace activist Red Cloudy Mien, tolerant Indian Pie-in-the-Face, and AIM (Accuracy In Media) member Russell Ways.
Blackfoot’s 1863 tune “Highway Song” can be heard here:
1874 — Black Hills Gold
When General George Strongarm Cussed 'Er first saw the gleaming sheen of goldness laying on the top of the ground in the Black Hills, he thought maybe he was losing his hair – fearing it had fallen off his noggin and onto the ground in front of him.
It wasn't his hair that was shining in the sun like that, though – it was gold! But he held to the superstition that he was going bald. Out of embarrassment, Cussed 'Er “salted” the hills with gold from his soldiers’ teeth, which he extracted after getting them drunk on rotgut whiskey.
The upshot of Cussed 'Er's ploy was that prospectors streamed to the Black Hills, the railroads came, the Indians lost their land, and Black Hills Gold jewelry soon became popular.
1876 — Great Sioux War
Also called the Black Hills War, the Great Sioux War was actually more like a friendly wrestling match between the Sioux, Cheyenne, and the Ewe-Knighted States (legal wranglings about water rights and such).
Some Indians counted coup, some soldiers forgot to keep their powder wet and forgot their guns were loaded when they were engaging in target practice with the Indians too close at hand, but all-in-all...well, it could have been worse.
Things could always be worse.
One good thing is that other South Dakota tribes, such as the Inkpaduta, Wamdesapa, Wakpekuta, and Smutty Bear were not involved.
The reverse-osmosis transparency below depicts the fun and games that went on at this time, with a mutual target practice taking place between the Sioux and the soldiers:
1880 — Great October Blizzard
An especially blizzardy blizzard took place in October of 1880. It was the harbinger of a long, cold winter to come.
Laura Ingalls Wilder penned The Long Winter about it sixty years later, in 1940.
1889 — Statehood
When South Dakota became a state in 1889, president Benjamin Franklin Harrison Ford did not want to show preference between the two Dakotas (North Dakota was getting its initiation at the “same time”).
So, in order to not show a leaning one way or the other, president Ford (no relation to Gerald) deliberately shuffled the paperwork around this way and that so that he wouldn’t know which state's certification he was signing first. And which one he signed first was not noted by those present. So nobody knows whether South Dakota officially became a state first, or North Dakota. Or, maybe someone noticed, but didn't divulge it to anyone. Or the ones they divulged it to didn't divulge it to anyone else. Etc.
1890 — Wounded Knee
Forgetting his advanced age, when challenged by his grandson, Sitting Bull played a game of basketball and injured himself, wounding his knee.
In an act of sympathetic sportsmanship, Crazy Horse, although a generation younger, also injured his knee in a pickup game of hoops.
Since these two men were the “faces” of the Sioux nation, this was considered a big deal, and some gave the two events the combined moniker “Wounded Knee” (singular) -- even though it should have technically been “Wounded Knees” (plural).
There is a mystery to be solved here, though, because this happened in 1890, and basketball wasn't invented until former Monkey Michael Nesmith came up with the game the following year, in 1891.
Did the erstwhile Monkey steal the idea from Sitting Bull and Crazy Horse? Or have the details about what really happened at Wounded Knee been fabricated?
You decide.
On a perhaps unrelated note, several other Indians there apparently stayed too long out of doors (it was cold), even though they had been invited by their friends, the soldiers, to come visit them in their warm cabins.
The sad results of their silly pride can be deduced from the poem written by John Lennon:
“Imagine there's no prejudice. All I am saying is, give peace a chance.”
From 1892 Onwards – Rosebud Reservation Opened to Homesteaders
Beginning in 1892, many Indians on “the Rez” realized they had more land than they could use, and so offered it up for homesteading. First, the Rosebud Reservation was opened to Homesteaders; then, in 1895, more of this excess land in the Yankton Reservation was made available.
Later, in 1908, the same thing happened at the Standing Rock Reservations. The generosity and hospitality of the Indians was much appreciated by the Euro-Americans who homesteaded there. The newcomers always viewed the Indians as their equals and brothers, and never took advantage of them in any way.
1903 — Wind Cave National Park
To celebrate the centennial of the “Louisiana” Purchase, Wind Cave National Park was opened in 1903.
This time, rather than hogging all the parks for their own use, the humans made this one exclusively available to Bison (the fancy-pants word for “Buffalo”).
When it gets too hot on the “range” (that's why they call it a range, because it gets real hot there sometimes), the Bison can go into the “Wind Caves” to cool off.
These man-made caves are equipped with air-conditioning to keep the massive beeves from getting too hot under the collar. But the Bison don't know what “air-conditioning” is and don't really understand the concept, so the humans just tell them it's a “Wind” cave. That they can fathom.
Here are a herd of them heading for the caves on a hot day in January:
“Mom, I'm so hot I think I'm going to pass out!” “Don't worry, Junior, we're almost to the Wind Cave.” “Anybody got any beef jerky?”
1927 — Work Begins on Mt. Rushmore Carvings
In 1927 (not knowing a Depression was coming), Gutzon Rodin began work on what was to become his “Jeroboam Opus” (which is even bigger than a “Magnum Opus”).
This work, entitled “Mount Rushmore National Monument,” was to sport the stony visages of four famous personages of antiquity, to wit:
Washington Irving, George Jefferson, Lincoln Steffens, and Theodor Seuss Geisel.
1930s – Dust Bowl and Great Depression
The 1930s saw the “Mother of All Double Whammys” (up until then, anyway): The Dust Bowl, followed by the “Great” Depression.
The “Dust Bowl” was a football game between Oklahoma and Texas; most South Dakotans backed Oklahoma, because they had never been to Texas. Texas won. This was a real bummer to the South Dakotans.
A great depression followed, because not only had they preferred that Oklahoma win the game, most of them had actually wagered their farms and/or ranches on the outcome.
As a result, many small farms were abandoned, and the dejected and displaced farm families moved to cities. But there are no cities in South Dakota, so they had to move to North Dakota.
One family was so depressed over these matters that they even left their car behind, afraid that the radio would remind them of their home far away. In due time, their trusty transportation sunk down into the soil, seemingly as depressed as its former owner/operators:
1939 – Badlands National Monument
The “Badlands” was designated as a National Monument by Ewe-Knighted States president Frank Lindy Rosewood in 1939. In 1978 it became a National Park.
Berrouba.rabha makes this photo of the Badlands available:
A nice place to visit
1941 – Mount Rushmore Completed
After goofing around for fourteen whole years, in 1941 Rodin finally completed his “Nebuchadnezzar Opus” which he grandiloquently called “Mount Rushmore National Monument.”
A kid with a Brownie camera took the first picture of it, serendipitously at the very moment when Chuckie Lindbergh was flying over in The Spirit of Kansas City on his way to Paris, Texas:
Rodin was a rotten capturer of the human visage; these mountainous mugs barely even resemble Irving, Jefferson, Steffens, and Geisel at all.
1941 -- “Little Town on the Prairie”
Laura Ingalls Wilder published Little Town on the Prairie in 1941. It is set in 1881 and 1882 in De Smet, South Dakota, where the Ingalls family lived for several years.
LIW wrote other books set in De Smet, namely:
By the Shores of Silver Lake (1939)
The Long Winter (1940)
These Happy Golden Years (1943)
1948 — Work Begins on Crazy Hoarse Monument
Out of rivalry with fellow sculptor Rodin, and because, as an Irishman, he had never heard of those guys plastered all over Mount Rushmore, Korcak Ziolkowski began working on a sculpture of Patsy Cline's pet pony “Crazy Hoarse” in 1948. Or was it Neil Young’s backup band?
While taking a break from the hoarsey sculpture, Ziolkowski threw out a quick impression of Marlon Brando:
“I coulda been a contender!”
1959 -- “North by North-Northwest”
North by North-Northwest is a 1959 American comedy from British director Alfred Hitchrooster. Agreeing to play in this Angl0-American fiasco were Cary Elwes, Grant Wood, Eve Arden, Marie Osmond, and Steve Kerr.
It was released directly to DVD, because it pretty much stunk (Hey, Steve, stick to coaching basketball!).
One actress had to climb up the side of the mountain to film her scenes because she missed the elevator:
“Hang on, Sloopy! I mean Eve!”
1973 – Wounded Knee II
During a big Pow-Wow at the Pine Ridge Reservation in 1973, some more people wounded their knees. This time, it was during a popcorn-popping contest.
Leonardo Pelt-ear got so excited when he was informed that he had won the “Indian corn” portion of the contest that he ran out onto stage and slid forward on his knees.
Knees are not meant to be treated that way. Result: a wounded knee. And worst of all, some local gold prospectors thought it looked fun and tried to imitate Leonardo. They, too, injured their knees.
Because of this (“contributing to the delinquency of miners”), a warrant was put out for Pelt-Ear's arrest:
The desire to arrest Pelt-Ear wasn't really all about the “contributing to delinquency” stuff; now that he was considered a master popcorn chef, his health was viewed as being of national importance, and they wanted to punish him for hurting himself, as a “wake-up call.”
. . .
Each Saturday and Tuesday an excerpt of one State’s (satirized) history will be posted here, in alphabetical order (from Alabama to Wyoming).
For “the rest of the story,” the (32-page) complete book “The New All-too-True-Blue History of South Dakota” is available here.
The regions of the U.S. have been combined into volumes, too; South Dakota is included in the volume The New All-too-True-Blue History of the American West
You can listen to this excerpt here.
Blackbird Crow Raven is also the author of the book “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle”