Time Immemorial – Plain Indians and Fancy Animals
The first souls to decorate the ground beneath “Big Sky Country” were Bighorn Sheep, Bobcat, Moose, Elk, Bear, Buffalo, and suchlike critters.
There were also, from very early on, Mountains, Snow and, of course, an overarching expanse of Big Sky there.
And then came the Plain Indians. They were called that because, seldom receiving company, they hardly ever got gussied up (they were plain in their dress). In fact, in the summer, the Plain Indians sometimes wore virtually nothing at all; they were practically naked.
That’s what was in Montana before the cowboys and homesteaders came. Truth be told (why not, for a change?) there are still more Elk, Deer and Antelope in Montana than there are humans. And discouraging words are seldom heard there; mostly because the place is so sparsely populated, and whiners tend to move away or stay away.
When Russell Stover came through the area selling his boxes of candy, he painted this picture of his best customers:
1866 to 1868 – Red Cloud’s War
During Red Cloud’s War, while the Indians and Cowboys were enjoying a friendly game of field hockey, a fight broke out.
Things got out of hand at what came to be known as The Fetterman Fight (called that because Freddy “Fatso” Fetterman was the one who lost his cool and called Red Cloud a “hockey puck” in an insulting way).
As some on both sides let their tempers get the best of them, things took a turn for the worse, and a few people even got hurt (mostly bumps and bruises, but a few flesh wounds, too) as you might be able to discern from this poem written about the athletic contest:
1876 - Custer’s Boo-Boo
In 1876, George Strongarm Custer was riding along, minding his own business just south of Billings, when some Indians came out of nowhere and started counting coup on him and his men.
Being the hothead that he was, Custer reacted violently, and the encounter ended up as a general melee, as attested to by this Polaroid of the bunch involved, taken by Mike Brady:
Late 1870s – Cattle Drive from Texas
In the late 1870s, two former Texas Rangers, Woodrow Wilson and Augustus Gloop, took a herd of cattle from their old ranch in Texas to their new ranch in Montana.
Some of those who took part in this cattle drive (besides Wilson and Gloop) were Woodrow’s son Salamander, Pigpen McKernan, “Sheets”, Jake Fork, Cold Duck, November Johnson, Oliver Hardy, Johnny B. Goodnight, and a matronly camp cook and worn-out washerwoman named Lorena.
Here is the most exciting scene from their rather dull trip:
They ended up at this ranch:
Not much to look at, but at least it wasn’t Texas
1882 & 1883 – Five Hundred Fifty Five Blackfeet
During an exceedingly cold stretch between 1882 and 1883 (especially the bitterly cold winter spanning those years), 555 Blackfeet died from sickness and starvation.
Their livestock had been taken from them, and no food was delivered to them during this time, as had been promised to them and agreed to by the authorities.
The Indians were not allowed to leave their reservation.
The BIA (a government agency whose acronym, when expanded, stands for “Bossing Indians Around”) agent had sold the food intended for the Indians to line his own pockets.
Here are some of those Indians in happier times:
1889 -- Statehood
Montana became a State in 1889. And not just any run-of-the-mill State. It became the second-largest State, after Texas (until 1959, when Alaska’s statehood pushed Texas to #2 and Montana to #3).
The people in Marysville were “super-excited” about this turn of events, as you can tell by the look on their shoulders in this picture from that year:
1910 - Glacier National Park
Located at the extreme northern edge of Montana, Glacier National Park opened in 1910. Here’s a drawing that stylistically depicts a scene seen along Going to the Moon Road:
1942 -- “The Pride of the Yankees” Movie
Hollywood stuntman Gary Barrelmaker was from Helena (born there, as a baby).
In 1942, when he was no longer a baby, he had a minor role in the movie The Pride of the Yankees.
In that flick, Barrelmaker portrayed George Plimpton, pulling out all the stops to make the team. He carried water. He fetched bats. He cleaned out the clubhouse. He even picked up spent sunflower seed shells from the dugout between innings. He did everything he could think of to impress the manager so as to make the team. The fellas just wouldn’t have it, though. They figured he was too much of a flake to be a consistent ballplayer.
Here’s Barrelmaker handing George Herman “Babe” Ruth his bat, in an attempt to ingratiate himself with “The Bambino”:
The Babe thinks he has spotted some pine tar on the barrel
1952 -- “High Noon” Movie
Helena was made proud again in 1952 when their homie Gary Barrelmaker came out with yet another flick. This one was named after a time of day when some people imbibe a little too freely: “High Noon.”
In the climactic part of the movie, Barrelmaker faces three “bad guys” while the sun is in his eyes. He squints, but still has “sun dogs” in his eyes. What he sees is the following:
From left to right: Rip Van Winkle, Wee Willie Winkie, and The Purple People Eater
. . .
Each Saturday and Tuesday an excerpt of one State’s (satirized) history will be posted here, in alphabetical order (from Alabama to Wyoming).
For “the rest of the story,” the (32-page) complete book “The New All-too-True-Blue History of Montana” is available here.
The regions of the U.S. have been combined into volumes, too; [State] is included in the volume The New All-too-True-Blue History of the American West
You can listen to this excerpt here.
Blackbird Crow Raven is also the author of the book “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle”