Excerpt from Satirical History of NORTH DAKOTA
NEW “ALL-TOO-TRUE-BLUE” (ALTERNATIVE) STATE HISTORIES
TIME IMMEMORIAL – Megafauna, Bison, and Flickertails
In the foggy mists of prehistoric time (before the internet), megafauna (big critters) roamed the vast wastelands of North Dakota.
Things were so mixed up then politically that part of South Dakota was in Louisiana, but a piece of it was in Rupert Pupkin’s Land. Rupert Pupkin was apparently some Russki.
North Dakota had beaucoup Buffalo, or Bison, back then, of course, but probably even more Flickertails (squirrels), like this one:
1804 – Lewis and Clark Build Fort Mandan
In 1804, the (Jerry) Lewis and (Dick) Clark expeditionary force built Fort Mandan. The “Corps of Discovery” led by those two spent more time in North Dakota than any other State. But nobody knows why.
1880 – Ranching Begins
Ranching began in Dakota Territory around 1880. Prior to that, settlers primarily passed their time shooting bison and passenger pigeons.
The reason for the delay in ranching operations was the remoteness of the country. But once NPR (not National Public Radio, but the Northern Pacific Railroad) reached the Montana-Dakota border in 1880, ranchers had the opportunity to ship their livestock out from Medora, Dickinson, and Bismarck.
1883 — Teddy Roosevelt Comes to Dakota to Hunt Bison
Teddy Roosevelt came to Dakota Territory in 1883 to hunt Bison. He was embarrassed, though, when his guide wanted him to “bag” a baby bison. Teddy would settle for nothing less than a full-size bull moose buffalo. Roosevelt said that the bison “pup” was too cute to shoot.
This squeamishness on Teddy’s part (that’s how the guide and the rest of the party viewed it) made Teddy the butt of the jokes for the rest of the trip.
The end result was that a Bison plush toy was designed and christened a “Teddy Buff.”
From that point on, Teddy hated the Dakota Territory, Dakotans, and even the mere thought of buffalo. Once he became president, Teddy never once mentioned Dakota. It was as if he had never been there at all.
In fact, when he had his official portrait taken in the Trapezoid Office (a top secret den adjacent the Oval Office), Teddy turned the globe around so that North Dakota would not be seen:
“Woolly Bully!”
1889 — Statehood
North Dakota became a State in 1889, at almost precisely the same time that South Dakota did.
In fact, president Benjamin Harrison (great-godfather of Harrison Ford) deliberately didn’t know which paperwork he signed first – that making North Dakota a State, or that making South Dakota a State. He didn’t want to show favoritism.
Now, though, the truth can “out”: it was North Dakota! How do I know? I can’t tell you; you just have to take my word for it. You read it here first, folks!
Statehood for both North and South Dakota came about when Dakota Territory was divided, with the two parts each becoming a State in its own right.
The Buffalo/Bison/Tatanka didn’t seem to care one way or another about it, though, seen here placidly grazing and paying no attention to the geopolitical machinations going on around them:
“Keep eating! Pretend you don’t see them! They’ll want to pet you. Mmmmm! This Buffalo Grass is yummy!!!”
1928 to 1937 – Draught
From 1928 to 1937 there was “a big draught” in North Dakota. What this means (I guess, who’s really to know?) is that lots and lots of beer was drunk (well, actually it wasn’t the beer that was drunk, if you know what I mean – or even if you don’t know what I mean, it’s all the same).
If a person were not afraid of being politically incorrect, they might try to make a connection between this state of affairs and the fact that many North Dakotans were of German extraction.
But I would never do that myself. So don’t even think about that. Strike it from the record. The jury shall ignore the previous remarks!
1936 – Most Extreme Temps
In 1936, North Dakota did a 180, so to speak. It suffered its most extreme recorded temperatures that year, on both ends of the thermometer: 60 below (if the thermometer had been an inch longer, they would’ve all froze to death!), and 120 (above).
1951 to 1982 — Lawrence Welk Show
Lawrence Welk was from Strasburg. His television show ran from 1951 to 1982. Welk, who was way ahead of his time, became famous for inventing a new genre of music called “Dischopmetal,” which mixes and melds disco, hip-hop, and death metal.
Here he is leading his combo in a cover of Blue Oxen Cult’s Don’t Fear the Reaper or the Harvester:
“More cowbell!”
1959 — Giant Buffalo in Jamestown
A giant Buffalo appeared in Jamestown in 1959. It was looking for Paul Bunyan’s blue ox “Babe.”
Apparently, they had some unfinished business.
Here’s the giant Buffalo strolling through a meadow on the outskirts of Jamestown:
1961 – Maris Breaks Home Run Record
Roger Maris of Fargo hit 61 home runs in 1961, breaking the previous single-season home run record that fellow New York Yankee Babe Ruth had set in 1927.
1978 – Theodore Roosevelt National Park Established
Theodore Roosevelt National Park was established in 1978.
The EPA (Environmental Pollution Agency) was against the park, as their chief aim is to pollute the nation as much as possible, and didn't quite understand how this park would contribute to that goal of theirs.
Here is one view of the disappointingly unpolluting place:
1979 -- “The Sacketts”
Louis L’Amour (born Lamoore), of Jamestown, wrote a pair of books, The Daybreakers and Sackett, that were made into the television miniseries “The Sacketts” in 1979.
Starring in the miniseries were the (still) unknown actors Tom Selica, Elliott Gould, and Henry Ford.
1996 - “Fargo”
The movie “Fargo” was released in 1996. Although much of the action in it actually takes place in Minnesota, it does include scenes of the title town, too.
Basically, the story told is of a man who travels to Fargo from Minneapolis to buy a wood chipper. He and the wood chipper salesman haggle over the price, and the warranty, and such, for a couple of hours. It’s all pretty boring, really. Finally, the guy buys the chipper and hires a kid at minimum wage to operate it for him.
Big whoop.
2013 — Fastest Growing State (Supposedly)
In 2013 some liar claimed that North Dakota was the fastest growing State. This is highly illogical and improbable, because heat expands, and cold contracts, as every scientist knows. And North Dakota is cold. Very cold. So, things there should be getting smaller, not larger. Based on solid scientific logic, it is obvious that eventually North Dakota will be smaller than Rhode Island, and Florida will be larger than Alaska.
2018 – Tiddlywinks Hall of Fame Opens
The Tiddlywinks Hall of Fame opened in Maza in 2018.
Past heroes of the flat felt mat are lionized there, such as Wink Squidger, Spoof Squopper, Pot Flipperty-Flop, Johnny Jumpkins, Gargoyle Golfette, Eggs Maro, and Prince Flutter.
Although these superstars of the manly sport of Tiddlywinks come from all over the world (Madagascar, Upper Volta, Outer Mongolia, etc.), they are all considered honorary North Dakotans upon induction into the Tiddlywinks Hall of Fame.
. . .
Each Saturday and Tuesday an excerpt of one State’s (satirized) history will be posted here, in alphabetical order (from Alabama to Wyoming).
For “the rest of the story,” the (32-page) complete book “The New All-too-True-Blue History of North Dakota” is available here.
The regions of the U.S. have been combined into volumes, too; North Dakota is included in the volume The New All-too-True-Blue History of the American Midwest
You can listen to this excerpt here.
Blackbird Crow Raven is also the author of the book “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle”