Excerpt from Satirical History of ILLINOIS
NEW “ALL-TOO-TRUE-BLUE” (ALTERNATIVE) STATE HISTORIES
TIME IMMEMORIAL – Cahokia Gets Its Karaoke On
Cahokia is a pre-Columbian Indian city across the Mississippi River from St. Louis. The citizens there were really into karaoke (especially hokey karaoke), hence the name of their village.
By the way, “pre-Columbian” means they founded their village prior to the existence of Columbus, Ohio.
The Karaoke-loving Indians built a giant mound at their village, as tall as the pyramids in Egypt. They named this Monk’s Mound, because they were big fans of the television show about the OCD detective starring Tony Shalhoub.
The first wild animal to be seen in Illinois was the domesticated turkey. Below you see a few of these, discussing politics and the Cubs chances for the upcoming season:
“I think the Cubs should draft Ernie Banks, Tom. What do you think? By the way, let’s throw the bums out.”
1673 – Marquette and Joliet Sneak Around the Area
In 1673 (those were the days!), Jacques “Jacky Boy” Marquette and Louis Joliet explored both the Mississippi and the Illinois Rivers. They considered the area as belonging to France then (just because they had come, seen it, and said so). Naturally, that made utter and complete sense, as no human had ever seen those rivers before, right? Finders keepers, sleepers weepers!
1682 – La Salle Erects Fort St. Louis
In 1682, seven years after Marquette had founded a mission there and tried to feed the rock (which he claimed was starving), René-Robert Cavelier, Sieur de La Salle (“Lumpy” to his friends) erected Fort St. Louis at Starved Rock.
By naming the fort as he did, La Salle showed that he thought he was in Missouri. A bad sense of direction can be a detriment to an explorer (see Columbus).
1763 – Illinois Ceded to British
After their successful prosecution of the French and Indian War, which ended in 1763, the British wrenched the area away from the French, who sulked and took their muskets and went home.
When the British victory was relayed to the Chief Chef of the French (their military’’ highest rank), he fainted dead away. A nearby Indian was trying to figure out if he and his people would benefit from how the war turned out or not:
1778 – Ewe-Knighted States Takes Illinois from the Brits
During the Revolutionary War in 1778, George Rogers Clark captured Kaskaskia and Cahokia from the British. This gent was named for George Washington, Mr. Rogers, and Roy Clark. In 1783, this transfer of real estate became official, at the Treaty of Paris, Texas.
1803 – Fort Dearborn Founded at Chicago
Fort Dearborn was founded in 1803 at the present location of Chicago. Curious about this place, a bird flew over and took this picture of it with his wing cam:
The part marked “South” (really the North side, but the legend was reversed to fool enemy spies) is where the Sears Tower is now situated. The Sears Tower is not quite as tall, but still, it’s a historic site, and thus significant.
1809 – Territoryhood
In 1809, Illinois became a Territory. The capital was Kaskaskia.
This is as good a place as any to mention that the name Illinois refers to the sick sound (ill noise) that was heard when Marquette, Joliet, and La Salle attended a K.C. and the Sunshine Band concert in Peoria when they first arrived in the neighborhood.
1812 – New Madrid Earthquake
In 1812, Illinois was greatly affected (in a bad way) by the New Madrid earthquakes, which reached 7.9 on the Richter Scale. These quakes were epicentered in New Madrid, Missouri, but Illinois, being right across the Mississippi River, shook, rattled, and rolled as well.
Places like Cairo quickly found out that earthquakes are no respecters of State boundaries.
But that earthquake is covered somewhat extensively in the Missouri volume of this series, so I’ll let it go at that.
1818 – Statehood
In 1818, Illinois became the 21st State, with the Territorial capital of Kaskaskia remaining as capital of the nascent State for now. Only “for now,” though, because Vandalia (“The Land of the Vandals”) became the capital two years later, in 1820.
Springfield, boasting that they would later be the stomping grounds of a president, finagled their way to becoming the new capital of the State in 1837.
1832 – Black Hawk War
The 1832 Black Hawk War, named for the Indian leader of that name, culminated in the driving of the Sauk and Fox Indians out of Illinois. Also, sensing an opportunity to not suffer the same fate, the Potawatomi and Winnebago ceded land to the (relative) newcomers.
The Potawatomi were allowed to start up some casinos to bilk the “white-eyes,” while the Winnebago discerned an emerging need in the motor home (recreational vehicle) market and worked to fulfill that.
The Indian who designed the first motor home, Hairy Baer (uncle to Max Baer Jr., who played Jethro on The Beverly Hillbillys and who was the son of boxer Max Baer (Sr.)) is shown here gloating over the millions he has made from retired folks:
Hairy taught his nephew Max to box, and to “Indian wrestle”
1839 – Mormons Found Nauvoo
In 1839, the Mormons founded a town that they called Nauvoo. This is Eskimo-speak for “New Igloo.”
They hoped that this “cold-sounding” name would dissuade nosy neighbors from coming to gawk at them.
An unfortunate incident occurred as the temple they built there opened its doors for business, though: a pitchman they had hired to yell into a megaphone from an airplane leaned too far out the cargo door and fell out, impaling himself on the pole sticking up out of the temple. This is a gory site, so don’t look at it if you have a queasy stomach:
The passers-by hadn’t noticed the impaled man with the megaphone yet; gamely, he kept barking out his spiel as long as he could (afraid he wouldn’t get paid, otherwise)
1844 – Joseph Smith Killed in Carthage
Mormon leaders Joseph and Hyrum Smith were killed in Carthage in 1844. Two years later, in 1846, Brigham Young led the Mormons out of Nauvoo to a god-forsaken desert that would come to be called Pepper Lake City, Utah.
Smith played “possum” when a mob came to get him, but it didn’t work out too well in the end:
A police helicopter shines its spotlight on the scene
1856 – First Bridge Across the Mississippi
The first bridge across the Mississippi was constructed in 1856. The bridge extended from Rock Island, Illinois to Davenport, Iowa.
The bridge contractors made sure to waste taxpayer money when they built this bridge by adding on some parts for a roller coaster atop it that they never finished (pure gravy for them!):
Photo supplied by Tony Webster of Portland, Oregon
1857 – Dred Scott Case
In 1857, a slave named Dred Scott was taken by his owner from Missouri to the free states of Illinois and Wisconsin.
Due to his having been domiciled in those free States, Scott sued for release from servitude. I dread to inform you that he lost the case, though.
Even though he was locked up again, you can see from his photo that Mr. Scott was not the one who started the Dredlocks fad:
1858 – Lincoln / Douglas Debates
In 1858, as an academic exercise, Abraham Lincoln and SAD (Stephen A. Douglas) debated for hours on end whether a tree would make a sound if it fell in the forest with nobody there to hear it. This was a silly question, as there would also be squirrels around to hear it, anyway. And birds. And beetles. There are lots of beetles.
Lincoln and Douglas further debated whether, if that falling tree were to hit a deaf man (who couldn’t hear it falling) and knock off one of his arms, and then he started clapping with his remaining hand, would anybody be able to hear that style of clapping? If so, what would it sound like?
These debates turned out to be an exercise in futility, and Lincoln attacked Douglas with an ax while Douglas tried to defend himself with a staff, a la the not-so-little “Little John.”
. . .
Each Saturday and Tuesday an excerpt of one State’s (satirized) history will be posted here, in alphabetical order (from Alabama to Wyoming).
The (32-page) complete book “The New All-too-True-Blue History of Illinois” is available here.
The regions of the U.S. have been combined into volumes, too; Illinois is included in the volume The New All-too-True-Blue History of the American Midwest
You can listen to this excerpt here:
Blackbird Crow Raven is also the author of the book “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle”