Excerpt from Satirical History of MARYLAND
NEW “ALL-TOO-TRUE-BLUE” (ALTERNATIVE) STATE HISTORIES
TIME IMMEMORIAL – Original Inhabitants
In the gray mists of antiquity, the original inhabitants of Maryland were apparently Hunter-Gatherers. This means that they spent most of their time hunting things, and gathering stuff. It was mostly birds that they hunted, like the Baltimore Oriole, but also the occasional Southwest-facing Crane, Sneetch (plain or star-bellied), or the odd Pterodactyl.
As for the gathering they did, it was mostly of wool, but sometimes it was just whatever happened to be on sale at Sam’s Club. Once in awhile they even paid for these things.
One numerous Indian tribe in Maryland was the Choptank; they were called this because they liked to put fish in tanks for easy harvesting, and in the wintertime, sometimes the water in the tank froze over and they had to chop it up with their tomahawks to get at their swimming breakfast.
1524 – Giovanni da Verrazzano
In 1524, Giovanni da Verrazzano, an Italian working as a contractor for the French (probably a member of the French Foreign Legion), passed the mouth of Chesapeake Bay in his ship. GdV didn’t even stop to say “howdy” to the Choptanks, though. He seemed to be in a hurry. Maybe he thought he had better things to do.
More likely, though, Verrazzano simply didn’t want to share his candy cane with the Choptank. As you can see in this picture taken through a microscope attached to a telescope, GdV carried his candy cane along everywhere he went (kind of like Mary and her little lamb – every where that GdV went, his candy cane was sure to go):
1763 to 1767 – Mason-Dixon line
Because of a lawsuit brought by a Philadelphia Lawyer claiming that the City of Brotherly Love was located in Pennsylvania (and not Maryland as parties of the second part claimed), two disinterested surveyors were hired to clear up this matter.
From 1763 to 1767, Dave Mason and Willie Dixon sketched a line on the ground to determine whether a straight line drawn from Philadelphia would lead first to Pennsylvania or to Maryland. Dave went one way, and Willie the other.
For the details, listen to the song about it by Mark Knopfler and James Taylor (Sailing to Philadelphia).
Here’s the lines they drew, as seen from outer space. Dave drew the horizontal line; Willie drew the vertical line:
1784 – First Successful Manned Balloon Ride
We won’t talk about the previous unsuccessful manned balloon rides (such as those performed by Icarus and Leonardo da Vinci), but instead we will concentrate on the first successful manned balloon ride. This was enjoyed by 13-year old Edward Warren, who went airborne in Baltimore in 1784.
Well, this was the first successful ride in the Ewe-Knighted States, anyway. We don’t know or care about what happened along those lines in other countries.
In this kaleidoscopic study made by a lycanthropic lepidopterist who was at the scene of Warren’s maiden voyage, it will certainly warm the cockles of your heart to ascertain that some of the girls from the St. Mary’s City nunnery volunteered their services to get the balloon off the ground:
1839 – First Chartered National Railroad
Familiar to players of Monopoly is the B&O (Baltimore and Ohio) railroad. It commenced operations in 1839. B&O was the first company to operate a locomotive built in America (the Tom Thumb).
By the way, “locomotive” means “a crazy reason for doing (something).”
Here’s the original Tom Thumb, with Andre the Giant standing behind it for scale:
1845 – Navel Academy in Annapolis
In 1845, the Navel Academy was opened in Annapolis.
Of course, this institution of “higher learning” is a complete and utter waste of time and money, as there are only a couple of things you really need to know about navels. To wit:
There are two kinds of navels: Innies, and Outies.
Also: “Innies” are better than “outies” because they can do double-duty as lint-catchers.
Regardless of what anybody says, it is impossible to know whether Adam and Eve had them.
1845 -- “Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass” Published
In 1845, the autobiographical account Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass: An American Slave was published.
Douglass had changed his surname to that to avoid detection after his escape. His birth name was Frederick Augustus Washington Bailey.
Among Frederick’s ancestors were George Washington and Liam Bailey (the originator of Bailey’s Irish Cream). Among his descendants are Augustus Gloop (O, how the mighty have fallen!) and Robbie Douglass.
Here is Douglass at his most un-Gloop-like:
1862 – Antietam
The war that was conducted in such a kindly manner that it was known as “The Civil War” continued desultorily over four long and boring years. In the summer of 1862, one of the most picturesque battles of the conflict took place, in Maryland.
This was in Antietam, near Sharpsburg, to be precise.
It was basically a dress parade, with not much action, but the history of the town might be of interest: Antietam got its name from an excuse given by a young child to his irate mother. When this child’s mother (Barbara Fritchie was her name) discovered her freshly baked goods had disappeared, she demanded of her son, “Who ate the cupcakes?!?”
He responded, “I dunno; I think ant eat ’em.”
But the family didn’t even have an ant farm, so she didn’t fall for that subterfuge one bit.
Here’s a highly exaggerated interpretation of what happened at this dull affair, painted by an artist who must have been high on cocaine or some other brain stretching and squashing drug:
1906 -- “The Jungle” Book
Baltimorean Uptown Sinclair Lewis Carroll O’Connor wrote The Jungle in 1906. In this coming-of-age, slice-of-life magnum opus, Uptown tells the stories of Mowgli, Baloo, Sheer Con, Bagheera, and Ricky Ticky Taffee, as they travel around Indiana planting apple trees.
Earlier and later Uptown wrote “Elmer Gantry”, “Alice in Wonderland”, “All in the Family” &c. He was a very versatile stylist.
When the book was made into a film in 1914, the movie poster artist was apparently completely distracted by the Great War, and created an image that had absolutely nothing to do with Mowgli and his compadres. He, too, may have been “self-medicated.”
Behold the ignorance, sloth, and confused state of mind that he displayed in his work:
1962 -- “Silent Spring” Book
Johnny Carson’s sister Rachel wrote the book Silent Spring in 1962. It tells about the baseball strike which took place in 1919, after the Cardinals, Orioles, and Blue Jays were punished for making fun of birds with their stylized baseball club (team) logos.
Sticking up for the birds, Ms. Carson earned the wrath of baseball lovers everywhere, especially those in Missouri, Toronto, and her home state of Maryland.
The BPA (Baseball Players Association) determined that Ms. Carson would never be allowed into the Baseball Hall of Fame. Banned for life!
She didn’t really care, though. She was not a big baseball fan to begin with. As long as her brother Johnny would have her on his show from time to time, and stick up for her, she was satisfied.
How satisfied? Notice her gaze of pure contentment:
Late 1960s – Spiro Agnew Cheats the Taxman
In the late 1960s, Spiro Agnew (inventor of the Spirograph, but probably a failure at the polygraph), while serving as Governor of Maryland, allegedly accepted bribes.
Agnew eventually pled guilty to simple tax evasion. When Richard “The Tricky-Hearted” Nixon was president of the Ewe-Knighted States, Agnew was the president of vice thereof.
Here’s Agnew with the IRS agent who was auditing him, who has threatened to bash him on the noggin with his billy club if he doesn’t “come clean” income-wise:
“You forgot to itemize your Windex purchases, my boy!”
. . .
Each Saturday and Tuesday an excerpt of one State’s (satirized) history will be posted here, in alphabetical order (from Alabama to Wyoming).
For “the rest of the story,” the (32-page) complete book “The New All-too-True-Blue History of Maryland” is available here.
The regions of the U.S. have been combined into volumes, too; Maryland is included in the volume The New All-too-True-Blue History of the American Southeast
You can listen to this excerpt here:
Blackbird Crow Raven is also the author of the book “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle”