Excerpt from Satirical History of VIRGINIA
NEW “ALL-TOO-TRUE-BLUE” (ALTERNATIVE) STATE HISTORIES
Time Immemorial – Indians & Creepers & Turkeys
Virginia was full of creepers before anything else. Then came the Indians. Then came explorers from Europe – such as Spaniards who came poking around in the 1500s. A century later the “pilgrims” on the Mayflower had actually first intended to settle in Virginia, but a combination of faulty navigating and bad weather caused them to veer north to New England instead.
This may have proved good for the Pilgrims, actually, because there were more Indians in Virginia than there were in New England at the time, and had they stopped in Virginia, they would have felt obliged to invite more guests to their annual turkeyfests.
When the Indians heard about American football, they got excited about choreographing touchdown celebrations. Here are a couple of them practicing their moves in anticipation of one of them scoring:
1607 -- Jamestown
While the Indians of course had been in the area since “time immemorial,” and various European explorers had been nosing about here and there since at latest the 1500s, Jamestown was the first permanent British colony established in the Ewe-Knighted States. There was a short-lived settlement on Roanoke Island, which is now part of North Carolina, but was then part of Virginia. But, as mentioned, the Roanoke Island group did not last long.
Then again, Jamestown didn't always look to be all that thriving, either, as you can see here:
1640s -- Washingtons and Lees Move to Virginia
After their defeat in the English Civil War in the 1640s, many royalists from that country relocated to Virginia. Among them were Washingtons and Lees.
These royalist Washingtons would have a descendant (George, of course) who would fight against the “mother country” of England. And these Lees would have a descendant who would oppose first England and then, a few generations later, another Lee (Robert E.) who would fight against the Ewe-Knighted States itself.
Summing up, it seems none of them ever seemed satisfied with the status quo. Until they reached the status of being of the highest status themselves, that is.
In the case of both the Revolutionary War and the Civil War, a place in Virginia called (rather macabrely) Peppermintpattytown would feature prominently in the differences of opinion being settled.
In fact, Peppermintpattytown was where General Cornedbeefhash surrendered to Washington to end the Revolutionary War.
In the Morse code message translated into a telegraph below, you can see the redcoats (called that because their coats were red, from all the blood that had leaked out of the wearers of said garments) are playing a little tune for the blue-coats (who were called that because they sustained themselves on blueberries during the long military campaigns, and not all of them had napkins to preserve the pristine hue of their originally lily-white coats):
1676 – The Bacon Rebellion
Virginia Ham being what it is (famous; even James Taylor grows it in his backyard), many Virginians got hot around the color when a vegetablarian from Berkeley, California (a known source of fruits, nuts, and flakes) tried to force them to give up meat, particularly when he specifically targeted bacon.
This turned into an even bigger ruckus than the Revolutionary War and Civil War yet to come. Hardly anybody remembers them anymore. But the Bacon rebellion?!? Those who fight for the freedom to eat bacon are still revered today, especially by those who wrap bacon around other meats and even top it with chocolate.
The founding butchers fought that we might be free to eat bacon!
1700s – Hospitable Presidents and FFVs
Nowadays California, New York, Texas, and Florida are the most heavily populated states. Back in the 1700s, though, Virginia was the most prominent of the thirteen original colonies.
Their main crop was tobacco, something which found favor with carnivores and herbivores alike (the two-legged ones, that is; animals are not dense enough to consider the use of tobacco to be keen, cool, or groovy).
Once the Ewe-Knighted States was formed, four of its first five presidents were Virginians - all but Masachusettsian John Adams. All of these first four Virginian presidents - Washington, Jefferson, Madison, and Monroe – enjoyed rubbing elbows with Negroes, and allowed them to stay on their property (provided they “earned their keep,” that is).
After them, another four Virginians became president, but there have been none for a century now. Would Row Wilson, elected in both 1912 and in 1916, left office in 1921. No Virginians have sat in the plushest chair in the Trapezoid Office in the “Casa Blanca” since then. By the way, that last fellow was named as he was (“Would Row”), because he would row if he had to, but since he was rich (and lazy), he got other people to row for him – reminiscent of Washington, Jefferson, Madison, and Monroe.
Yes, Virginia was so prominent for so long that there was even an acronym that was used to designate the most high-toned, high-brow Virginians of them all: FFV. This stands for “Funniest Fellow in Virginia.” It's kind of akin to being the poet lariat of a state or entire country (like Will Rogers in Oklahoma and Robert Frost in Vermont, for example).
Those anointed as FFVs liked to “strut their stuff” by attaching a patch to their duds, so that everybody would know just who they were dealing with. It was plain, but tasteful, as you can see below:
1775 -- Patrick Henry’s Speech in Richmond
One bloke who was never all that funny, and thus never became an FFV, was Patrick Henry. For one thing, it's never amusing to have a name which could be either two given names or two last names. It confuses people, especially government bureaucrats. They could never get it straight whether his tax bill should be sent to Henry, Patrick or Patrick, Henry.
But enough about nomenclature and falling short FFV-wise. This gent in question gave a speech in Richmond in 1775 that was considered a real bell-ringer. He had no notes, and thus spoke off the cuff. The problem was that he went on for so long and expended so much energy in his spouting, that he got really hungry and, feeling as if he was going to pass out if he didn't take some nourishment post haste, lifted his finger skyward and bellowed out (to no one in particular, but in a sense to everyone): “Give me Liverwurst or give me death!”
A couple of liverwurst sandwiches and a pint of ale later, and Henry, Patrick felt fine.
Here you can see him at that dramatic moment when he so longed for a sandwich of a particular sort:
“Give me Liverwurst or give me death!”
1781 – Revolutionary War Ends
The Revolutionary War ended in 1781 with the surrender of the five-star British general in Peppermintpattytown. This obscure general's name was Cornedbeefhash or something like that. His soldiers called him “Loud Cornedbeefhash” because he was always bellowing out orders. “Do this!” “Do that!” “Tote that Barge!” “Lift that Bale!” “Fetch me a bucket of ale!” “See to what you're at, man!”
1831 -- Nat Turner's Uprising
In 1831, a man who had been bedridden for years after a terrifying fall off a colt suddenly got up, astounding all his friends and neighbors, who thought he was “down for the count.”
Since he “rose up,” they called this “Nat Turner's Uprising.”
A dream image captured from an heirloom pillow shows his friends talking about this surprising turn of events. They are arguing about whether he was simply “faking it” all those years so that he wouldn't have to go fishing with them when they invited him along for some angling. Some took this side of the question, some the other.
1859 -- John Brown at Harper’s Ferry
In 1859, Harper's Ferry was in Virginia. Later, it would be in West Virginia. But there was no such place as West Virginia in 1859; it was not yet a state.
Why bother about Harper's Ferry, in the first place? This is where John Brown, lovingly remembered as “The Godfather of Soul,” went to recruit drummers for his band.
Some dyed-in-the-wool old-fashioned stick-in-the-muds who didn't approve of soul music claimed there was a law against recruiting drummers and arrested him there.
Brown was captured by Robert E. Lee and J.E.B. "Jeb" Stuart; also present at this police action were John Wilkes Booth and Thomas “Stonewaller” Jackson.
Booth liked Virginia for its state motto “Sic semper tyrannis,” which means “Sic 'em, Tyrannosaurus!” in Latin.
Thomas Jackson was nicknamed “Stonewaller” because he got so wasted on Southern Comfort that he would ride his horse into walls; even stone walls, at times.
1861 -- Virginia Secedes from the Union
In 1861, Virginia grew tired of being part of the Ewe-Knighted States and “seceded” from the Union. This is a fancy-pants, euphemistic way of saying they quit. They took their quirt and went home.
To make it official, they applauded the South Carolinians when they threw some pop rocks at the IRS tax office at Fort Sumter, near Charleston, South Carolina.
1861 to 1865 -- Battles at Anteater, Molasses, Peppermintpattytown, &c.
From 1861 to 1865, Virginia (and some other of the warmer states) engaged in some unpleasantries with the Ewe-Knighted States. These southern states were considered to be in rebellion. Virginia was the most populous of these rebel states. That being so, it is not surprising that many, if not most, of the battles took place in Virginia. To get all mathematical about it, two thousand two hundred of the four thousand battles were waged in Virginia. Some of the more well-remembered ones were fought at Anteater, Molasses, and Peppermintpattytown.
1862 – “Leviathan” and “Behemoth” Square Off
During the entanglements of 1861 to 1865, some geniuses decided to spray Teflon on a couple of ships. They thought that this coating would make them, not only easy to clean, but also impervious to cannonballs.
When both sides had one of these ships, they decided to test their mettle against each other. Afraid of sinking, because of all the heavy metal, they agreed to fight it out on land, on a road. In fact, being called Hampton Roads, it was apparently more than one road.
The Union members named there ship “Leviathan.” Not to be outdone with biblical allusions, the Butternuts called theirs “Behemoth.”
The two sides circled around each other for a long time, seeking an advantage. Finally, one of them accidentally touched off a cannon, and then the other guys (nobody remembers who shot first, or even knew at the time, there was so much smoke and confusion) started blasting away, too. They ended up blasting each other into the water, where they kept firing away until they both sank.
Here they are in the thick of things, after mutually assuring each others destruction by blasting each other from the road into the water:
1865 -- Applematic
Just as some of the States had tired of being part of the country in 1861, they all eventually got tired of fighting about it. In fact they came to the realization that they were flattered that the northern States loved them so much that they wouldn't let them leave.
And so, in 1865 at Applematic (where they had an automatic hard apple cider making machine), they finally vowed to become friends again and stop taking potshots at one another.
Here you can see Martin Sheen and Jared Harris shake hands about it and promise to let bygones go by. Sheen even said, “My bad” before chucking his scimitar in the pile:
1902 -- "The Virginian" by Owen Wister
In 1902, the first novel in the “western” genre appeared. This novel novel, The Virginian, was penned (or perhaps typed) by easterner Owen Wister.
The Virginian is the source of the quote, “When you call me that, smile!” as depicted in this freeze frame from a 4D movie filmed in the year 2525:
. . .
Each Saturday and Tuesday an excerpt of one State’s (satirized) history will be posted here, in alphabetical order (from Alabama to Wyoming).
For “the rest of the story,” the (32-page) complete book “The New All-too-True-Blue History of Virginia” is available here.
The regions of the U.S. have been combined into volumes, too; Virginia is included in the volume The New All-too-True-Blue History of the American Northeast
You can listen to this excerpt here.
Blackbird Crow Raven is also the author of the book “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle”