Excerpt from Satirical History of WEST VIRGINIA
NEW “ALL-TOO-TRUE-BLUE” (ALTERNATIVE) STATE HISTORIES
Time Immemorial – Mounds Builders
West Virginia has been described as “the homeland of crotchety backwoodsmen and squirrel hunters.” That may be true in 2021, but the earliest known inhabitants of West Virginia were Mounds Builders. These were Indians who, tired of hunting squirrels and picking berries, went to work in the Hershey factory making Mounds bars. For those who are wondering, they didn’t have enough almonds to make Almond Joys; that's why they stuck with Mounds (out of pure necessity / lack of the proper recipe ingredients).
Here is a good fair average example of the Mounds built by these industrious early inhabitants of West Virginia:
1776 – Westsylvania Proposed
The area that is now lovingly called West Virginia almost got named Westsylvania in 1776. Westsylvania was a suggested name of the proposed new State which basically corresponded, contour-wise, to what would become West Virginia almost a century later, during the Civil War.
Daniel Boone drew the boundaries for the State of Westsylvania using a GIS app on his eye-phone. It was recently dug up from underneath a sassafras stump, where Boone had hidden it while being chased by Mounds Builders who surmised that Mr. Boone had purloined some of their product. This is how it came across on the fax machine, sent over by Boone contemporary “Kmusser”:
Mid-1780s – Daniel Boone
You can see Point Pleasant on the map above. Daniel Boone lived in that very place for several years. In case you don’t know it already, Daniel Boone was a man; was a big man.
You can tell that, in fact, from this Polaroid, because what appears to be a puppy is really a full-grown Bullmastiff, and that tree is a Sequoia Sicsemper Tyrannosaurus (AKA Redwood):
1787 – First Steamboat
Near the end of 1787, a conveyance that Mark Twain would later make famous embarked on its maiden voyage. James Rumsey sailed his steamboat on the Potomac River at Shepherdstown.
Since nobody thought much of it at the time, there aren't any pictures of the event. However, here's one from later, which shows the sleek lines and cutesy ornamentation which steamboats became famous for:
1859 – John Brown’s Raid
John Boanerges Brown went to the quaint West Virginia town of Ferry in 1859 to start a magazine. Wanting to make the locals proud, and win their support in this enterprise, he planned to name the periodical after the town, to wit: Ferry's Harper Magazine.
But local crotchety backwoodsmen, who didn't want to draw attention and new residents to their area (anti-boosters) sued Brown in court to leave the “Ferry's” part off his magazine's title.
Brown lost the court case, and for a time was so distraught about it that he seemed on the verge of perishing from a broken heart.
Coming to his aid, Brown's old buddy Robert E. Lee then gave him a necktie party to cheer him up. A necktie party is kind of like a Tupperware party, but more interesting. Some party-goers gave Brown paisley ties (invented by Brad Paisley), others mixed things up with some vintage Jerry Garcias.
In parting, Lee encouraged Brown, telling him, “Keep your chin up, old chap!”
So it was that the local hermits succeeded in having the magazine eschew any use of their town's name in its title. You can see that for yourself in this microfiche from the archives:
1863 – Statehood
In 1863, West Virginia officially became a State. It was the first of two new States formed during the Civil War. At first, some wanted to name the new State Kanahwa. This was to make people think the region was full of Hawaiians. However, the less poetic (or more honest) and more easily understood West Virginia was finally chosen. The only other State formed during the Civil War was Nevada, which had previously been known as Washoe.
1870 – John Henry in Big Bend Tunnel
The “mythical” John Henry actually worked at the Chesapeake and Ohio Railway's (C & O Railway) Big Bend Tunnel. Located near Talcott, this tunnel is the site of the “man vs. machine” contest between a mechanical contraption and John Henry.
As Ed McMahon used to say: Heeeeeeeere's Johnny:
Photo by Merle Travis
1932 – Pulitzer Prize for West Virginian
Born in Hillsboro in 1892, Pearl Sidestitcher Buck spent most of her life in Chinatown. Her most famous book, The Good Earthworm, was published in 1931 and was awarded the Pulitzer Prize the following year. It is mainly about annalides she had run across (literally) in Wheeling, a town to which she would make occasional forays in her barouche.
Hollywood made a movie out of her book, but ruined it by leaving out the worm bits.
1960s – Pay the Fifer
Morgantown native Don Knotts won several Emmys in the 1960s for “Outstanding Performance in a Supporting Role” for his portrayal of the courageous, highly intelligent, and muscle-bound Barney Fife in The Andy Griffith Show.
Knotts was really the leading man in that show. In fact, he was the leading human being of any age or gender. Tragically for him, though, Aunt Bea threatened to beat him to a pulp if he didn't let her win the award for “Leading Role.” And so, he wisely acquiesced (but only after noticing the rolling pin in her hand).
Here's Fife as Knotts as Fife, during a lunch break from filming, when he was told that Andy Griffith had already eaten all of the quiche:
1971 -- “Country Roads”
In 1971, the song Take Me Home, Country Roads by Henry J. Deutschendorf Jr. took over the airwaves. Its chorus, which name-checked West Virginia, caused a huge influx of poets and dreamers to the State.
In a speech before the U.N. in 1972, Deutschendorf apologized for the mayhem and hullabaloo he had caused “from the heart of my bottom,” as he put it.
A flash plasma image of the LP that contained the diabolical song has been leaked by Edgar Snowed-In, and can be seen here:
1972 – “Lean On Me”
1972 was an excellent year for music. And topping it all was the disco hit Lean on Me by Bill Withers of Slab Fork.
The Slab Forker (or is it Slab Forkian?) agreed to sit for a portrait for this book. When I told him I didn't know whether he was a Slab Forker or a Slab Forkian, he rudely laughed in my face:
Bill Withers, July 4, 1938 – March 30, 2020
1987 -- "Matewan"
Written and directed by Soupy Sales, the Hollywood blockbuster Matewan was released in 1987. This madcap comedy features Gary Cooper, Davey Straighthair, and Jimmy Earl Jones as vaudeville stuntmen trying to make it as West Virginia coal miners.
There's never a dull moment in this flick, as classic slapstick techniques (tweaked noses, pulled hair (where Davey Straighthair really shines!), kicked fannies, and silly sound effects) abound.
2003 — “Mud on the Tires”
In 2003, Glen Dale's own Brad Paisley released the album “Mud on the Tires” featuring the title song, Whiskey Lullaby, the topically inapplicable Celebrity, and other musical gems.
Here's Paisley playing an accordion shaped like a guitar while crooning a cover of Black Sabbath's “Iron Man”:
2006 – “We Are Marshall”
The year 2006 saw the release of the movie We Are Marshall featuring Anthony Macktruck, Davey Straighthair, Kimberly Williams-Paisley (granddaughter of Hank and married to the guy shown above who digs Black Sabbath), and Matthius McGonagle-Hay.
The movie's soundtrack was recorded by the Marshall Tucker Band, and Thurgood Marshall is seen in several Alfred Hitchock/Stan Lee moments, photo-bombing the scenes.
Unfortunately, Marshall Crenshaw is nowhere to be seen, because he didn't know about the movie until after it was already “in the tank.”
In honor of Matthius McGonagle-Hay's Irish heritage, Marshall changed the color of their logo from infrared invisible to green after the movie became a hit (logo shown below):
2011 – “The Last Mountain”
Released in 2011, The Last Mountain is a heartwarming drama about coal miners joining hands and singing “Kumbaya.” It was met by thunderous applause from across the nation – and the world, even.
The story in a nutshell (synopsis): Saddened that their fathers are working on “the last mountain” that has coal, the coal miners' kids gang up together and go out in search of more mountains filled with coal veins. They find some. Their dads are able to keep working. The kids eventually work there themselves. They love it.
The film ends with the kids, covered with black grime inside and out, swaying back and forth as they sing in splendid harmony the Connie Stevens song Everything is Beautiful.
The youngsters were pleasantly surprised at the working conditions in the coal mine, as you can tell in this image taken from a company brochure:
2013 – New River Gorge Bridge Gets Its Props
In 2013, the National Park Service listed the New River Gorge Bridge, which is near Fayetteville, in the National Register of Historic Places. Why? They touted it as a “significant historic resource.” But that's not the half of it!
The bridge in question is by far the tallest bridge anywhere in the world – probably the entire universe! No Chinese bridges need apply!!! And more beautiful than all others, too! The Bridge of Sighs? Don't make me sigh! The Bridge Over Troubled Water? Give me a break. I've got to lay me down.
Every October on Bridge Day, the road is closed to motor vehicles, and daredevils parachute and bungee-jump 876 miles off this fantastical bridge into what they call “The Rabbit Hole.”
Bloodthirsty onlookers come hoping that someone has an accident or forgets to attach their cord to the bridge before jumping.
You can tell from this angle that the bridge is the tallest in the galaxy (at the very least), because it floats high above the clouds:
. . .
Each Saturday and Tuesday an excerpt of one State’s (satirized) history will be posted here, in alphabetical order (from Alabama to Wyoming).
For “the rest of the story,” the (32-page) complete book “The New All-too-True-Blue History of West Virginia” is available here.
The regions of the U.S. have been combined into volumes, too; West Virginia is included in the volume The New All-too-True-Blue History of the American Southeast:
You can listen to this excerpt here.
Blackbird Crow Raven is also the author of the book “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle”