Excerpt from Satirical History of WISCONSIN
NEW “ALL-TOO-TRUE-BLUE” (ALTERNATIVE) STATE HISTORIES
1787 – A Period of MTD (Multiple Territory Disorder)
In 1787, Wisconsin became part of the Northwest Territory (not to be confused with the Northwest Territory of Canada); In 1800, Wisconsin became part of Indiana Territory; In 1815, of Illinois Territory; then, in 1818, part of Michigan Territory. Finally, in 1836, it became a Territory in its own right.
Still, though, the place was spelled “Wiskonsin” by Congress. The new Territory of Wis[c,k]onsin consisted at that time not only of modern-day Wisconsin, but also all of Minnesota and Iowa, as well as parts of the Dakotas.
Below you can see the reaction by the populace of Milwaukee, the largest city in the state, when Wisconsin became its own Territory.
On hearing the news, a Mennonite and another guy came outside to look around, to see if things looked any different. They seem unimpressed.
1832 -- Black Hawk War
Black Hawk and his band of Sauk Indians got into a scrape with the Ewe-Knighted States in 1832. Part of the war was waged in Wisconsin.
Among the participants were three future presidents. Zachary Taylor (who died in office from binging on milk and cherries) was one. Two more ended up on opposite sides during the Civil War: Abraham Lincoln (Ewe-Knighted States president) and Jefferson Davis (CSA president). A fourth person involved in the hostilities wanted to become president, too, but lost the bid. During the campaign, his name was Winfield Scott. After losing in the political arena, he felt obliged to change his name to Losefield Scott.
A key Wisconsin battle during the Black Hawk War was fought at Bad Axe. This place was named as it was because The BoDeans showed up to play for the troops just before the battle, but weren't able to, because one of their guitars was busted; the guitarist’s excuse for the concert cancellation was that he had a “bad axe.”
The Black Hawk War is the only one fought in the Ewe-Knighted States named for a person. Future CSA president Jeff Davis called Black Hawk's the most brilliant battle strategy he had ever witnessed. Black Hawk was the great-grandfather of 20th Century athletic superstar Jim Thorpe.
1848 -- Statehood
Tired of being a measly old Territory, Wisconsinites threatened the Federal Government in Washington that they would foment a Civil War if their Territory wasn't made a State. The government said, “Okay.”
Afterward, many miners from Cornwall, England arrived in Wisconsin. They were called “Badgers” due to their mining activity, which looked to the uninitiated as if they were scraping dens in the ground. The motto of these miners was, “Get the lead out!”
Nobody remembers them any more. When people think of Wisconsin, all they think about is cows, corn, and cheese (and the Green Bay Packers, of course). The Packers didn't make it onto the Wisconsin State commemorative quarter, though. Don't believe me? See for yourself:
1860 – Muir in Portage
Future naturalist John Muir grew up near Portage, in central Wisconsin. In 1860, at the State Fair in Madison, he set the record for eating the most cream puffs. Later, he recounted this and other tales in his autobiography Story of my Misspent Boyhood and Youth. He also wrote a book called Summer in the City, but nobody ever read it (except his mother).
Above all, though, Muir is know for having invented the Wisconsin Duck, an amphibious vehicle that neither looks, walks, nor quacks like a duck. It is safe to assume it is not, in fact, actually a real duck. You can still ride these contraptions today, but beware: the driver is likely to take you hostage in the middle of the forest, and attempt to shame you into contributing money to his own personal charity. Also, these kind of Ducks have been involved in a couple of deadly accidents in recent years (no joke).
Here is a Wisconsin Duck; as you can see, it does look quite a bit like a real duck:
1870s -- Little House in the Big Woods
In the 1870s, the Charles Ingalls family lived near Pepin, in west-central Wisconsin. In fact, this is where their daughter Laura was born. She would eventually become famous as Laura Ingalls Wilder, author of the “Little House” books. Before Little House on the Prairie, the most famous book in the series, there was Little House in the Big Woods, which was about the family's experiences living in Wisconsin in the early 1870s.
Here's a picture of Laura Ingalls Wilder deciding whether Michael Landon, or her nephew Thornton Wilder, or his nephew Gene Wilder, should play her father on the television show:
1871 – Peshtigo Fire
Virtually everyone has heard of the Great Chicago Fire, but not many outside Wisconsin have heard of the Peshtigo Fire. They occurred at the same time. The Peshtigo Fire was worse, in terms of lives lost.
On October 8th, 1871, between 1,200 and 2,500 people lost their lives in and around Peshtigo (which is situated about 50 miles northeast of the city of Green Bay) in the worst fire in the country's history. The exact number of lives lost is unknown because many had recently arrived by train to work in the logging industry, and because the heat from the fire was so intense that many victims were vaporized – there was nothing left of them following the firestorm that passed through. The fire burned 1,875 square miles.
The Peshtigo fire was not at first known about beyond the immediate vicinity. The reason for this was that the telegraph poles – at the time the quickest means of communication with the outside world – had been victims of the conflagration.
1912 -- Teddy Roosevelt Shot in Milwaukee
While campaigning for president in 1912 (after serving as president from 1901 to 1909), Teddy Roosevelt was shot while giving a speech in Milwaukee. The bullet had to pass through a packet of voluminous notes that Roosevelt had in his coat pocket, diminishing its impact.
On the way to the hospital, Roosevelt fell into a trance and saw himself in vision as a bull moose, pluckily snatching cranberries out of bogs while riding up Mt. Timm on a giant badger, with one hand holding his monocle, while the other brandished a sword.
Here he is in happier times, with Wisconsin's own John Muir, at Lapham Peak outside of Delafield or somewhere:
1921 – Green Bay Packers Join the NFL
The Green Bay Packers joined the NFL in 1921 when Curly, tired of getting hit on the head with a frying pan and having his nose squeezed, quit the Three Stooges to invest in a football team, yielding to inspiration from a song by Pink Floyd (not realizing those weirdos were really talking about soccer, not real (American) football) when they sang, “Think I'll buy me a football team.”
Dave McNally, Henry Hudson, and Mother Hubbard also joined Curly in the venture, and the rest is history.
Below is photographic evidence that Abraham Lincoln played for the Packers for a brief time prior to going into politics:
1949 -- Sand County Almanac
A Sand County Almanac, by Waldo Leopard, was published in 1949. It is about a guy's attempt to sell Wisconsin sand to Faisal, the King of Saudi Arabia. Leopard did not know that Saudi Arabia already had plenty of sand.
Here's a picture of young Leopard, before he had given any thought whatsoever to selling sand to Arabs:
1950 -- “Joltin' Joe” McCarthy
Joe McCarthy (no relation to Charlie or Mike) was a Hollywood film agent (and a Wisconsin Senator on the side). “Old Joe” claimed to have 205 clients, but that was mere bravado -- an attempt to attract even more clients. To his credit, though, McCarthy did champion blacks in the movies, and even kept a list of the ones he wanted to hire. He called it his “Black List.” He was a bit ahead of his time as regards supporting diversity.
Here's a freehand sketch of McCarthy “pitching” his friend Langston Hughes for the leading role in the upcoming blockbuster Raisin in the Sun; the film executives present for his PowerPoint presentation seem quite open to his suggestion here:
1967 -- Ice Bowl
In 1967, the Green Bay Packers had a quarterback named Bart Simpson. He had special powers, which he miraculously acquired after being bitten by a radioactive Brontosaurus while visiting Los Angeles. These special powers consisted of his being able to squeeze tar out of his wrist. This was called “Bart's Tar.”
When the Packers quarterback pressed his fingertips into the palm of his right hand, the tar squeezed out of his wrist, covering his hands with the sticky substance (a full yard of it, at times!).
During the Ice Bowl, played in Flambeau Field on a day so hot that the players had buckets of ice on the sideline to pour over themselves to keep heat prostration at bay, Bart used his secret weapon to express a full yard of sticky goo out of his wrist. He then stuck the football on the end of the tar formation, and simply reached the ball across the goal line for the decisive touchdown, besting the out-coached and out-special-powered Dallas Oilmen.
Here is a picture of Bart Simpson practicing the tar trick (but conserving the precious tar for a real game):
1974 to 1984 – Happy Days
The television show Happy Days ran from 1974 to 1984. It was set in Milwaukee. In the abstract painting below, you can see two of the main characters, Flouncy and Richie Rich, who were played by Henry Fonda and Howard Hughes:
1992 -- Mustard Museum
There is only one mustard museum. Some people wonder why. They wonder why there is one at all, that is. But it helps if you understand that there are many Germans in Wisconsin, and the Germans have an expression, “Das ist nicht mein Senf” which means, “That is not my mustard”; this roughly corresponds to “That's not my cup of tea.”
So you see, mustard is important to Germans. And with so many Germans in Wisconsin, what better place for a mustard museum than Mount Horeb, Wisconsin, to showcase the many varieties of “Senf.”
For mustard maniacs, you can even get a bespoke suit made that proclaims your love for the condiment, as can be seen below being worn by a dandy:
Many people in Mount Horeb dress this way during “Mustard Days,” when jokes about mustard gas (and catsup gas) are relished.
Some Things Of Which You May Not Have Been Aware
A word to the wise, for when they visit Wisconsin:
On Friday night, go out for a fish fry
If you don't know how to play the card game called “Sheepshead,” and especially if you've never heard of it, don't admit that to a native Wisconsinite
Visit Door County, and Old World Wisconsin
Walk the Ice Age Trail (at least part of it)
Have Frozen Custard whenever you get the opportunity. If you’ve never had it, be advised: it’s way better than it sounds. It’s like ice cream on steroids.
When up north, watch out for Hodags. They look something like this (but are much larger):
. . .
Each Saturday and Tuesday an excerpt of one State’s (satirized) history will be posted here, in alphabetical order (from Alabama to Wyoming).
For “the rest of the story,” the (32-page) complete book “The New All-too-True-Blue History of Wisconsin” is available here.
The regions of the U.S. have been combined into volumes, too; Wisconsin is included in the volume here.
You can listen to this excerpt here:
Blackbird Crow Raven is also the author of the book “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle”