Excerpt from Satirical History of SOUTH CAROLINA
NEW “ALL-TOO-TRUE-BLUE” (ALTERNATIVE) STATE HISTORIES
TIME IMMEMORIAL – Waterfalls
The first thing in South Carolina was a moving conglomeration of billions and billions of water droplets.
The water that falls into Lake Jocassee, imaginatively called Lake Jocassee Falls, is by far the most significant thing the state has ever seen.
Not only did it invent the “waterfall” hairdo (worn by every fashionable person from Lady Godiva to David Lee Roth to Lady Gaga), Lake Jocassee Falls is also the source of the Atlantic Ocean.
Doubters and haters may raise an eyebrow or two at this assertion, but in prehistoric times (before scholarly tomes such as this book were published) Lake Jocassee Falls ran backwards.
This not only caused problems for spawning salmon, who then had to roe against the current, but it also filled up the big basin between America and Africa with water.
After untold millenia, this grandest of canyons filled to the point where it became first a lake, then a big lake, then the Atlantic Ocean, stretching from land to shining land.
This only continued until people came along; too shy to flow backwards with people watching (it didn't want to draw attention to itself), Lake Jocassee Falls then relaxed its stomach muscles and let the water flow over the precipice, much to the relief of the exhausted salmon.
Here's Lake Jocassee Falls nowadays, doing what it does now:
1526 – Spanish Fail to Get a Foothold
In 1526, the Spanish, led by Don Quixote de la Mancha, the “Knight of the Rueful Countenance” and his trusty sidekicks Sancho Panza, Rocinante, and Dapple, attempted to found a settlement for Panza to govern.
The San Miguel de Gualdape Colony in South Carolina failed within a year, though, due to Panza's refusal to do the heavy lifting that governing an island requires.
Of the of 500 sheep Sancho started out with, only 150 ended up allowing themselves to be fleeced.
1562 – French Fail to Get a Foothold
Thinking they could make a go of it where the Spanish had failed, the French started up a settlement on Parris Island. There they built a fort, and named it Charlesfort.
The reason for naming it thus was that everyone in the would-be colony wanted the fort named after them, so to spite them all and prevent any of them from feeling vindicated, the King of France named it for someone who wasn’t even there (Charles, who had declined to take part in the “crazy experiment,” as he termed it).
As Sancho's had, the settlement failed within a year. These mutual failures on the part of Spain and France led to lots and lots of trash talking between them.
What with the harsh language used, it was a good thing the two sides didn't understand each other's lingo.
1666 – Britain Claims South Carolina
The most arrogant European government of them all, Britain, thought that they could succeed where the Spanish and French had not, and so in 1666 the queen sent Fred Sanford and his son Lamont to poke around the area.
Fred said the place was just “a bunch of junk,” and fit for nothing but red foxes; in reality, Sanford wanted it for himself. When the queen denied his request and forced him to claim the region for the Empire, he retorted, spluttering, “Queen Elizabeth, I'm comin' to get you!”
Sanford stayed put, not daring to cross the pond and cross the queen, but did turn traitor and became a Yankee, as you can see in the picture below:
1680 – Huguenots Arrive
A large group of Huguenots arrived in South Carolina in 1680. “Huguenots” are people who are not Hugues. A “Hugue” is a person who imitates the sound of an old-fashioned automobile horn with their mouth.
The Huguenots were proud of this “notness” or “nottiness” of theirs.
Here is one sample of this prideful bunch, a certain Jacques Cousteau:
Although it was said Cousteau did make submarine sounds with his mouth when nobody was looking (and then blamed it on the dog), these scurrilous rumours have never been substantiated.
1712 – Territory of Carolina Divided Horizontally
In 1712, with the Territory of Carolina having grown too big for its breechclouts (most of the taxpayers were Indians, after all), the queen decided to divide it into North and South sections, each having its own governor.
The Carolina Panthers still refuse to acknowledge this breach between the two halves.
This map shows the division wasn't done fairly:
In the map above, South Carolina is redder than North Carolina, because the sun shines brighter down there, resulting in more people being sunburned.
1718 – Blackbeard and Stede Bonnet
In 1718, the pirate known as “Ed Teacher” (real name Blackbeard) sailed into Charles Town, and hosted an “open house” (actually, “open ship”) by inviting insisting that residents of that place come to his ship to be entertained.
Some overstayed their welcome, and their relatives had to come and get them, gifting Blackbeard some money to compensate him for all the grog his guests had drank.
Here's Blackbeard supervising the loading of some barrels of RC Cola that had been given him by the good citizens of Charles Town:
“Avast, mateys, ahoy with that sweet grog!”
Another pirate, Stede Bonnet, hung around at White Point that same year.
He was called Stede Bonnet because he wore a hat in the same manner that horses do – with holes cut out for his ears (which was actually pretty smart, because that way the hat stays on, even when you're riding a horse really fast and bumpily, for example while playing polo, chasing foxes, or trying to evade a vigilante posse).
1856 — Brooks Canes Sumpter-Mule
In the halls of Congress in 1856, Foster Brooks, drunk as usual, caned Charles Sumpter-Mule. To “cane” someone means to “knight” them on the shoulder with a gentle rap from a stalk of pure cane sugar (from Hawaii or, as they called it then, the Hoagie Islands).
Brooks was honoring Sumpter-Mule in this way for his having delivered an eloquent speech on South Carolina, wherein he stated that it “is too small to be a republic, yet too large to be an insane asylum.”
1861 — Secession
South Carolina was kicked out of the Ewe-Knighted States in 1861 when it fell delinquent on its dues to Congress.
Soon thereafter, angry and embarrassed, a mob of out-of-control South Carolinians lobbed spit wads and bottle rockets at Fort Sumpter-Mule in Charleston Harbor.
They then rode off on whatever animals were at hand, whooping and hollering and shouting, “You call this a govment!” as seen below:
1862 — Bobby Biggs Borrows a Boat
Being a big fan of belligerent barristers, such as those gents who infest Congress, in 1862 a South Carolina citizen named Bobby Biggs borrowed a boat from the “secessionists” (those who refused to pay their dues at Congress). The boat was filled to the gunwales with guns and ammo. Biggs took it and delivered it to the pro-Congress forces.
Some irresponsible cartoonist painted a picture of Biggs, but mangled the story beyond recognition, even getting the man's name wrong, but I'm including it here, anyway, because this way you at least get an idea of what Bobby Biggs looked like:
1865 – Sherman Attends Columbia
In early 1865, General (a general is a person who is very circumspect in their speech, and never gets into specifics; they always deal in generalities) Billy Pontiac Sherman was on a hike with some friends.
Those in Charleston feared he was coming their way. He had a bad reputation for always eating all the pralines and, although the Charlestonians were hospitable to a certain degree, praline rationing had been implemented, and they wanted to hide their stash from this greedy-guts omnivore.
How relieved the Charlstonians were when Sherman (and his friend Mr. Peabody, et al) turned away from them and toward Columbia.
Sherman knew what he was doing: Many South Carolinians had sent their surplus pralines to Columbia for safe keeping, figuring Sherman would never go there. But he did. And ate all the pralines. What a hog!
In a last futile attempt to prevent the pralines from falling into Sherman's hands mouth, the Columbians burned their secret stash. If they couldn't have their pralines, then nobody could! This attitude and subsequent corresponding action really burned Sherman up.
1865 to 1877 — End of Hostilities, Reconstruction
All good things must end. So, too with the Polite (Civil) War, which came to a conclusion in 1865 on the Applematics tennis court (when General U.S. Stipend defeated Bobby Lee in a tennis match (Lee had forgotten to pack tennis shoes, and was forced to play in his “clodhoppers” to his great disadvantage)).
As a recompense for his praline heroics during the War, General Sherman had a tank named for him, whereas U.S. Stipend became president.
That's when “Reconstruction” set in, where all the burned buildings in the South were “phoenixed” (reconstructed) at taxpayer expense.
After Stipend left the White House, though, a shady deal was made in a smoke-filled room, and R. Bob Hayes, the fastest man in the world (at the time) became president.
The deal that got Hayes into the White House was: The backroom operatives would install Hayes as president (even though his opponent, Waltzing Matilde, had garnered more votes) if Hayes would deconstruct reconstruction (do away with it).
Tilden actually had more electrical votes (in modern times, these are called electronical votes, but back then, in the days before computers, they were electrical votes) than Hayes, but it was close.
This Votograph, provided by Inqvisitor, shows the state of affairs:
The blue represents votes for Tilden; the pink represents votes for Hayes (chosen because of the color tutu that Hayes habitually wore). The bluesier the color, the Tildenier that area was. The dark pinker the color, the Hayesier. The gray areas didn't give a hoot (with Utah and a section of west Texas being the unhootiest of all).
1915 -- “The Stillbirth of a Nation”
The Stillbirth of a Nation is a 1915 American silent epic drama film set in South Carolina. It was directed and co-produced by Andy Griffith's evil twin D.W., and starred Lillian Fish.
The screenplay (the words spoken during the film) was adapted from a novel/play entitled The Crazy Clansman by Dixiecup Tommy.
The movie, considered mildly entertaining at the time, revolves around a man with MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder). As you can see in the picture below, he couldn't decide whether he was a Crusader, a masked Bandit, or a Unicorn:
“Mommy, help! What do I do with this flaming sword?!?”
1968 -- “Hickory Wind”
Graham “Cracker” Parsons (who would go on to stardom as a member of The Tyrtles and be featured on their groundbreaking album Sweetheart of the Pond) wrote and recorded his signature song “Hickory Wind” in 1968.
It's called his “signature song” because he signed his name at the bottom of the lyrics. He was afraid somebody else, like McGuinn and McGwire, would take credit for it. They were getting higher, and he didn't know what they might stoop to in order to get a little extra spending cash.
The lyrics of “Hickory Wind” tell the poignant tale about the time Andrew Jackson had a severe case of dyspepsia. Before you waste your sympathy on him, this was a case of self-inflicted malady if there ever was one (AJacks had chugged down a whole case of Pepsi in seventeen seconds).
So why is it mentioned here? The lyrics contain the following unforgettable line:
In South Carolina, there're many tall pines…
When other singers' voices blended well with Graham's, it was said that they were Parsonmonious.
1977 -- “Carolina Nightmares”
There are some things you should know about the Marshall Tucker Band. The first is, they are from Spartanburg, South Carolina. This is a place founded by one of the Spartans. Although the fashions are understated there and even front rooms are only sparsely furnished, the citizens of that town are proud to boast Spartacus as one of their native sons.
The second thing you should know about the Marshall Tucker Band is that, like ZZ Top, there is nobody in the band named Marshall Tucker (or ZZ Top).
Those who were members of the band had such improbable names as Kit Scaldwell, his brother Tommy Boy Scaldwell, Doug Silverback, Jerry Euturns, and Warble McGorkle.
In 1977 they released an album entitled Carolina Nightmares. It contained the hit song Heard It In a Hate Crime, wherein they proved that the Moody Blues and Jethro Tull were not the only bands bold enough to use flutes.
1989 -- “Gory” Movie
Set in South Carolina, the movie Gory was released in 1989. Directed by Mark Twain scholar Jim Zwick, it starred Matthew Butterick, Dweezel Washington, Cary Grant, Antonio Freeman, and Morgan Earp.
Based on the personal letters of Bobby Goldsboro, Elliott Gould, and George Bernard Shaw, Gory reveals these men's reactions to the Vietnam War (without being a spoiler and giving all the plot away, one of them was a draft dodger; another allowed himself to be drafted and ended up a helicopter pilot in the war; and the other one volunteered, but thought that he was signing up for something entirely different, and was surprised when he found himself in boot camp).
2014 -- “Get On Down”
In 2014, an infomercial about the health benefits of Funkercize (a derivation of Jazzercise) was released.
Get on Down depicts Funkercize instructor James Brown exhorting his customers to do just that (get on down).
What Brown meant was he wanted them to loosen up, get limber, and get movin' to the groovin' – not dance all stiff, like a geriatric arthritic.
Some students (such as Donald Driver and Mr. Bojangles) did better than others (such as Carmen Miranda and Richard Tollhaus Nixon). This was partly due to innate talent, but more so because of the desire the former had to “get on down and get funky.”
The screenplay was written by Mrs. Butterworth.
Filmed in exotic locales such as along the Bozeman Trail and at Ellis Island, the film featured in starring roles Dan Asteroid, Bette Davis, Smokey Robinson, and Roman conspirator-about-town Octavius (revived by cryonics just for this purpose, and then re-freeze-dried when he was no longer needed (and before his check was disbursed)).
Here's one of Brown's ablest pupils, Beaux Jangles, who actually taught Brown a move or two, too:
Photo made available by Brooklyn4083. Sculpture by “Ronald Clyde Crosby” (real name Jerry Jeff Walker)
. . .
Each Saturday and Tuesday an excerpt of one State’s (satirized) history will be posted here, in alphabetical order (from Alabama to Wyoming).
For “the rest of the story,” the (32-page) complete book “The New All-too-True-Blue History of South Carolina” is available here.
The regions of the U.S. have been combined into volumes, too; South Carolina is included in the volume The New All-too-True-Blue History of the American Southeast
You can listen to this excerpt here.
Blackbird Crow Raven is also the author of the book “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle”