Excerpt from Satirical History of RHODE ISLAND
NEW “ALL-TOO-TRUE-BLUE” (ALTERNATIVE) STATE HISTORIES
1524 – Giovanni da Verrazzano “Discovers” Rhode Island
In 1524, Italian explorer Giovanni da Verrazzano, who had taken a job with France as an apprentice Explorer (sort of a French Boy Scout), discovered Rhode Island.
He didn't really know what to make of it, but he recognized it was what it was by the fact that it stuck out into the ocean and had chickens on it.
When he found the map below, left behind by a fleeing Indian, he realized this was an island of roads, and so he named it “Rhode Island.”
1609 – [H]enry [H]iggins Explores the Area
In 1609, ignorant of or simply not caring that Verrazzano had already been there, British lexicographer Henry Higgins explored the area for King or Queen and country.
He was looking for the elusive Pygmalion, a type of winged porcine creature with nose rings.
Although Higgins didn't find a Pygmalion, he was satisfied in being able to surreptitiously get a picture of Dr. Doolittle interrogating a suspected Pushmi-Pullyu poacher:
1614 – Dutch Blockhead Names the State
A few years later, in 1614, yet another European explorer showed up. This time it was Dutch explorer Adriaen Blockhead who visited the island. Rejecting the name previously given the place, he called it Roodt Eylandt, which means “rude eyelash” in Dutch. He considered this name fitting because of the “evil eye” the Indians gave him before shooting an arrow in his hat and sinking his vessel, as memorialized by this Etch-a-Sketch:
Blockhead got the last laugh, though, when he, too, got his hands on a map left behind by the Indians. If you peer at the northeast corner of the map below, you can see that the original Oval Office and Pentagon were situated in Rhode Island.
George Washington later had the Oval Office and Pentagon moved to D.C. because he didn't want to live in Rhode Island. He claimed the place was “too dinky.”
1634 – The First European Settler in Rhode Island
Although, as discussed, other people had sailed around Rhode Island, named it, and collected maps carelessly left lying around by the Indians, it was not until 1634 that a European agreed to actually settle down there.
This brave soul was William Blackstone, of England or Wales or Scotland, or one of those places in the UK. He is most noted for writing the Commentaries on the Laws of England, in which he explained his opinion that British laws were really stupid.
Here he is waiting for his friend Beau Bridges to show up for their weekly cribbage game:
“Yeah buddy, that's his own hair!”
1636 – Roger Williams Founds his Hermitage
In 1636, Roger Williams set up shop in Rhode Island. All tuckered out after living in Massachusetts with all those garrulous and sociable people, Williams wanted to retire to a quiet life where he wouldn't have to bother with going to church, gathering together with noisy people in large groups, or even speaking with anybody at all.
You can say he was a hermit.
He wanted to be, anyway. You can see how irked and perturbed and put out he was when some of the locals invited him to a Pow-wow:
1675 – Great Swamp Fight
During King Philip’s War, the Great Swamp Fight took place at South Kingston.
King Philip's War should have been named King Metacomet's War, because that was the real name of the Indian who the Europeans referred to as “King Philip.”
The Europeans thought that Metacomet was a kitchen and bathroom cleaner and so, out of respect for the man, didn't call him that. They were confused about this, but you have to admit that their heart was in the right place.
But enough of that. The Great Swamp Fight. This was when two “swampers” (janitorial engineers specializing in mopping) faced each other in a “mop-off.” Each one was given an acre of forest to mop. The first to win would get the entire forest as boodle (the landlubber's term for booty).
The guy that swamped the fastest won. He kind of cheated, though, because he skipped some of the hardest areas in the forest to reach (gullies and moraines and bogs and such). But, to the victor go the spoils, so he took possession of the forest.
The guy who mopped more assiduously but failed in his bid for the forest was such a sore loser that he set fire to the winner's homestead. Some Indians came to rescue the virtuosic mopper and his family, though, as you can see in this photo taken by a motion-sensitive surveillance camera:
As you can see at the bottom of the picture above, the arsonist was so disappointed at the rescue of his adversary that he collapsed in a fake swoon, moaning “Why me?!? Why does everything have to happen to me?!?”
1776 – Rhode Island Beats its Breast/Chest and Flexes its Muscles
On May 4th, 1776, Rhode Island became the first British colony to declare its independence. Suffering from SSS (“Small State's Syndrome”) and a bad case of IC (“Inferiority Complex”), the Rhode Islanders wanted to be bold and daring and prove themselves nobody's underdogs.
So, the Rhode Islanders declared their independence from Britain a full two months before the other colonies did. England didn't notice, though, because they had never heard of Rhode Island – not that they could recollect anyway.
Showing that pride leads to a crash, Rhode Island, resting on its laurels, procrastinated on the legalities of the matter and ended up being the last of the thirteen original Colonies to ratify the constitution.
By the way, the complex dangling participle phrase “To ratify” means to feed something to rats. The reason being, if the rats will eat it, it must be good. This is how you determine the potability of water and the panability (edibility) of food: give it to rats, and see if they will imbibe and ingest it (take it in).
1880 – Rhode Island Red Bred
In 1880, the Rhode Island Red breed of chicken was invented by Grant Sullens and Jenny Lind.
The Rhode Island Red were originally bred in Adamsville. Some of them look something like this sometimes:
“Don't look now, Mabel, but those people are looking at us.” “I know, Ogden, and you're the one that doesn't lay eggs.”
The most famous Rhode Island Red is Foghorn Leghorn. As you can easily deduce from this snapshot stolen from his family's photo album, Mr. Leghorn was not a big fan of Benjamin Franklin and his nocturnal shenanigans:
1904 -- “(I'm a) Yankee Doodle Dandy” Song
In 1904, Providence native Leonard Cohen wrote a little ditty called “(I'm a) Yankee Doodle Dandy.”
As you may know, a “Yankee Doodle Dandy” is a person (traditionally a male of the species) from the northeastern portion of the Ewe-Knighted States who wears boiled shirts, diamond breast pins, kid gloves and such, and scribbles in gold-leaf notebooks.
The song was inspired by Cohen's uncle Sam, a cranky old buzzard who had no better manners than to point at people with a scowl on his face, as you can see here in his signature characteristic pose:
1968 -- “Switched-On Bach” Album
In 1968, William Carlos Williams released an album of electronically re-imagined versions of J.S. Bach compositions. This ambitious project was called Switched-On Bach.
Musical daredevil W. Carlos was born in Pawtucket. The artist's place of birth had acquired that name due to the following occurrence: When the wife and mother of the first family that settled there asked about the location of anything she had misplaced and was looking for, her children, fearing her wrath, invariably responded, “Pa took it.”
This resulted in a lot of family discord.
When that tack didn't work, though, the kids would give their mom a “treasure map” of where her lost item was supposedly to be found. They would tell her to “follow the yellow brick road” and then they would go hide under the house until their father got home.
One of those hastily-drawn maps was uncovered by a genealogist. It is shown below in all its technicolor glory.
1976 -- “The Last Resort” Song
In 1976, two hundred years after Rhode Island thumbed its nose at Britain by declaring its independence, the Eagles came out with a song entitled The Last Resort.
This tune found a place in their obscure album Hotel Rhode Island; this song contained the lyric:
She came from Providence, the one in Rhode Island
Where the old world shadows hang heavy in the air
This was obviously a song about Roger Williams' wife Prudence. They wrote it about her because she was dead and for that reason they wouldn't have to give her any royalties for musically alluding to her. Besides, being independent, they didn't believe in royalty, anyway.
Here you can see that it was not just poetic license that caused the songwriter to refer to heavy-hanging shadows. In this picture of Providence, you can tell just how heavy these shadows were by the fact that they are weighing down the horses, who can't even budge:
1994 -- “Dumb and Dumber” Movie
The legal thriller Dumb and Dumber, starring Mariah Carey, John Kerry, Harry Caray, Drew Carey, Charlie Daniels, and Jeff Goldbum, was released to rave reviews in 1994. Both critics and real people loved it.
The based-on-a-true-story movie starts off in Providence, and follows a team of lawyers all over creation, as they search for a way to keep Goldbum out of prison for overacting.
Little Known Factoids About Rhode Island
Rhode Island Reds are not the only critters that roam around Rhode Island. Both Possums and O'Possums are indigenous to Rhode Island, too.
The only difference between them last two types of critters is that Possums are plain old Americans, and O'Possums are part Irish. Possums and O'Possums look identical, so a scientific test is required to determine which subtype you're dealing with.
For those of a scientific bent, this is how to conduct the experiment:
Place a bowl of whiskey on the ground. If the critter gallops over and eagerly laps it up, you can be dead sure it's an O'Possum (not a generic Possum).
To show how similar Possums and O'Possums look, gaze in wonder at the candid shot below. Without the whiskey test, which is hard to do in this instance, there's no way for you to tell which of these is an O’Possum (I know, but I'm not tellin').
. . .
Each Saturday and Tuesday an excerpt of one State’s (satirized) history will be posted here, in alphabetical order (from Alabama to Wyoming).
For “the rest of the story,” the (32-page) complete book “The New All-too-True-Blue History of Rhode Island” is available here.
The regions of the U.S. have been combined into volumes, too; Rhode Island is included in the volume The New All-too-True-Blue History of the American Northeast
You can listen to this excerpt here.
Blackbird Crow Raven is also the author of the book “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle”