TIME IMMEMORIAL – First Inhabitants
Crater Lake was the first inhabitant of Oregon. It was formed thousands of years ago when a ginormous volcanic eruption occurred there, leaving behind and below a humongous basin. It being Oregon, rain then proceeded to descend (think buckets, cats and dogs), filling up the crater left by the eruption with millions of barrels of crude water.
Attracted by all that water, the next thing in Oregon were the ducks. Ducks like water. They are impervious to water hitting their backs. Oregon has lots of water. Oregon gets lots of rain. Ducks don’t mind rain.
After thousands and thousands of years (ducks can be quite patient), the ducks finally got tired of not having any humans around to feed them junk food and play with them in the bath tub, so they invited some Paileo Indians from a neighboring state to move in.
The Paileo Indians are Indians that carry their possessions around in pails. The wheel hadn’t been invented yet, and the Indians hated the scraping sound that travois make as they drag along on the ground behind them. So, not having access to any yokes (besides those from duck eggs), they resorted to using pails.
Some of the tribes that made up the Paileo Indians were the Shasta (who later went into the soda pop business in a big way), the Nest Perch (who taught fish to fly), and the Oompa-Loompas (who have produced many superb tuba players – they seem to have an inborn, innate affinity for that musical instrument).
Then, never ones to leave well enough alone, some European Americans arrived in Oregon. They settled in Paisley Caves, where they designed paisley ties, and got to work becoming the forebears of future singer/songwriter Brad Paisley.
Here's Crater Lake:
According to a conservative estimate, the basin is filled with approximately 100 gallons of water
1805, 1806 — Lewis & Clark
As the pivot point of their “Journey of Discovery,” Merry-weather Lewis & Roy Clark built and overwintered at Fort Catsup from late 1805 to early 1806.
Fort Catsup was obviously located near a big tomato patch, and was also near the mouth of the Columbia River in the extreme Northwestern corner of the state.
It was here that Roy wrote “Roll On, Columbia,” a tune that was stolen from him more than a century later by Woody Guthrie.
1810 to 1812 — Astor Expedition
As part of the Astor Expedition, Fort Astoria was built in 1811. They didn't know it at the time, but it later turned out that this was the first permanent (Euro-American, that is) settlement in the region. As may not shock too many people, this was the future site of Astoria, a city that is featured in the 1985 movie “Goonies” as well as the 1986 movie “Short Circuit,” and is shown below in the modern era:
1830 – Oregon Trail Opens
The Oregon Trail opened in 1830; it led travelers from its head in Missouri two thousand miles to Oregon City, Oregon.
From 1830 to the Turn of the Century, 300,000 people traveled the trail. The rate of travelers increased during the depressions of 1837 and 1842, and also during the California Gold Rush.
Thirty-thousand of these seekers and searchers left time capsules along the way. By 1850, guides and maps were no longer needed, as travelers could just follow the ruts along the prairie left by previous wagon trains – or simply “follow their nose” due to the stench left behind by malodorous offal left alongside the trail.
Lewis & Clark were considerate enough to spray the trail behind them with Agent Orange as they went, so that nobody could catch up to them and “beat them to the punch.”
You can still see faint traces of that chemical on this shot taken from the wing cam of a migratory bird:
1846 – Oregon Treaty
In the 1846 Oregon Treaty, Britain ceded (grudgingly gave) parts of Oregon (and Washington) to the Ewe-Knighted States.
The main reason why Britain and The Ewe-Knighted States took such pains to divvy up the disputed region was that it was fur country. Before the two countries came to an agreement over the land boundaries, the dispute had almost come to another war.
Even three years later, in 1849, maps were being printed that showed British land claims in the area reaching well down into what is currently Ewe-Knighted States territory, as you can see here:
1847 – Whitman Massacre
In 1847, the infamous Whitman massacre took place. Some people were mad at the Indians for this, but the Euro-American settlers should have known better than to leave their boxes of Whitman Samplers out on their windowsills, where anybody riding by could see them, and those with a sweet tooth be sorely tempted by such unguarded goodies.
The Indians who had discovered the gaily-decorated boxes had intended to just sample the candies, but the Whitman Sampler contents ended up getting sampled until there was nothing left of them, save the crinkly wrapper and some barely discernible chocolate smudges.
The Euro-Americans got “revenge” of a sort when in the course of time it turned out that many of the Whitman Sampler samplers ended up with sugar diabetes (which is even more debilitating than salt diabetes).
Received tradition claims that the Indian depicted below had eaten the lion's share of the candy. His defense for this act of selfishness was that he was only concerned about the safety of his Euro-American friends (and Indian family) and was tasting each candy to ascertain whether or not it had been poisoned.
Chief Fish-Hawk at his arraignment for candy purloining
1848 — Territoryhood
Oregon became a Territory in 1848. Some looney came up with the seal below, which shows Chief Joseph in a diaper, a Duck-billed Platypus (there are all kinds of ducks in Oregon), and Sitting Bull disguised as an Eagle:
The superscription reads, when translated, “Alice Violated [Intellectual] Properties” which refers to the allegation then in vogue that Alice (the one who was in Wonderland) had stolen the idea for her tales from the individuals shown below, as well as from John Jacob Astor, who modestly declined to be depicted on the Territorial seal (medallion).
1877 – Chief Joseph and the Nez Perce
Chief Joseph and the Nez Perce tribe were chased around Oregon (among other places) in 1877. From the Wallowa Valley, through Idaho, and into Montana, the Indians were not quite able to make it across the national border to safety in Canada when the 7th Cavalry (hot off/from their ignominious defeat at “Custer's Last Stand” the year before) caught up to them and forced them to surrender.
The Indians had to put up with this rude and boorish treatment even after they had always been accommodating to the Euro-Americans passing through their territory, as the painting from real life below clearly demonstrates:
“The nearest Wal-Mart? Take the trail to the right, past the dead rabbit, until you reach the Circle K. Go south until you hit the OK Corral. There you will see it on your left – you can't miss it. Pick me up some Little Debbies Nutty Buddies, will ya?”
1970 -- “Sometimes A Great Notion” Movie
In 1970, the movie Sometimes A Great Notion appeared on the screens of the cinematic theaters of the world. It is the thrilling story of a bookish librarian who opens a “Notions” store in downtown Wakonda.
Thinking this frail-looking woman would be a pushover, some customers tried to haggle her down to low-low, unheard of prices. She never budged, though. She knew the value of her goods, and wouldn't allow herself to be taken advantage of. That's why the movie was also sometimes known as Never Give An Inch.
The main character is played by Susan Veranda; the roles of customers buying notions were performed by Gary Oldman, Hank Williams, and Lee Marvin (an especially cantankerous bargain hunter).
The inspiring tale of never-say-die small business ownership and entrepreneurial spirit is (very loosely) based on Ken Kesey's 1964 novel about loggers at loggerheads over loggerhead turtles infesting their logging areas.
1971 — “The Oregon Trail” Computer Game
In 1971, the video/computer game “The Oregon Trail” was released. Those who played it could imagine themselves back in the days of this wannabe-homesteader, on the trail ten years earlier in 1961 (yes, 1961 – this image is a re-creation of goings-on on the trail):
This dude is probably a prissy model, not a “real” settler/homesteader type, but hey! Use your imagination. That horse is probably not half the horse his mother was, either.
1971 to 1979 -- “Brawl in the Family” Documentary
From 1971 to 1979, Portland's Sally Struthers played the role of Archie Bunker's daughter/Meathead's wife Gloria in the documentary about Queens called “Brawl in the Family.”
1975 -- “One Flew Over the Cuckoo Clock” Movie
You might think Ken Kesey would have been resting on his laurels after the artistic coup d'é·tat of “Sometimes a Great Notion” covered earlier.
But no! Ken stayed motivated, and in 1975, another flick was made from one of his stories. This time, it was “One Flew Over the Cuckoo Clock,” a gripping drama about a bunch of undocumented aliens who had to work at a nut factory for substandard wages to get enough money to pay their medical bills (some of them needed lobotomies in the worst way).
Mr. Kesey actually traveled back in time to write this story, after being encouraged by the raging success of his former film. He went back to 1962 to put this story to paper. He dreamed it up later, but wanted to write it before “Sometimes A Great Notion,” so he read and re-read H.G. Wells’ research notes from “The Time Machine” until he knew how to travel backwards (and back again) in time.
Much to Kesey's delight, this newer movie based on an earlier book was even more popular/successful than the previous one.
Part of that success may have been due to the stellar cast, which included Jack Nicklaus, Robert Redford, Brad Pitt, Lloyd Christopher, Scatman Crothers, and Danny Thomas.
Here's Jack Nicklaus, looking like the ring-tailed cat that ate the canary, after he won a golf tournament and realized he could give up acting for good (he hated acting):
2004 – Archdiocese of Portland Declares Bankruptcy
In 2004, the Archdiocese of Portland declared bankruptcy. They made history as the first Archdiocese in the Ewe-Knighted States to do so.
The reason the Archdiocese reneged on their obligations was that they had too many outstanding debts and bills, and some of them were quite large.
The Archdiocese had apparently been wasting a lot of money on get-rich-quick schemes, making bad stock market investments, purchasing expensive food and wine for themselves, as well as big, showy jewelry (bling), speculating in risky and risque business propositions, and such.
Some cynics even claimed that the real reason for the bankruptcy was that the church was unable to meet the cost of claims by people “allegedly” abused by priests.
Priests would never do that! What a heinous rumor to spread! These tattletales gossips should be ashamed of themselves and get their minds out of the gutter!
. . .
Each Saturday and Tuesday an excerpt of one State’s (satirized) history will be posted here, in alphabetical order (from Alabama to Wyoming).
For “the rest of the story,” the (32-page) complete book “The New All-too-True-Blue History of Oregon” is available here.
The regions of the U.S. have been combined into volumes, too; Oregon is included in the volume The New All-too-True-Blue History of the American West
You can listen to this excerpt here.
Blackbird Crow Raven is also the author of the book “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle”