1754 to 1763 — Vermonters in French and Indian War
During the French and Indian War, some Vermonters aided British soldiers in their attacks on French in the area.
It could be said, after all, that these Vermonters, by joining the colonial militia, were aiding and abetting the British. This means they were helping them, because they were betting they (the British) were going to win, and they wanted to end up on the winning side of the conflict more than anything else. Besides, they couldn’t understand the Frenchmen’s lingo anyway.
By the end of this war, in 1763, Britain had gained control of the region, having whipped the French.
The British flexed their muscles/pounded their chest by changing the name of Lake Escargot to Lake Memphremagog. Lake Escargot sounded too Frenchified to them.
1770 — Ethan Allen Forms the Green Mountain Boys
Ethan Allen, along with his brothers Ira and Levi, plus another cat named Seth Warner, formed a roots music band. They called themselves the Green Mountain Boys.
The musical genre played by the Green Mountain Boys was called Greengrass. This musical style was the Yankee answer to Kentucky's Bluegrass music. Actually, Bluegrass and Greengrass are basically the same (both descending from Grass music), but Greengrass uses more cowbell than Bluegrass does.
By 1775, the Green Mountain Boys were so popular that they won the battle of the *grass bands at Fort Tie-one-on-deroga, besting Bob Marley and Willie Nelson.
Here's Ethan, waving to his adoring fans after his cowbell-laden rendition of Don't Fear the Rapper:
Having “done it all” in the music business, in his golden years Allen applied his hand to making furniture
1791 — Statehood
In 1791, Vermont became a State, the first State that wasn't one of the 13 original colonies.
1812 — Merino Sheep Introduced
Merino sheep were introduced to Vermont in 1812. The Vermonters said, “Hi, sheep.” The sheep replied, “Baaaaa!”
A couple in Florida named their son after these sheep, and this son (Dan) ended up playing quarterback for the Miami Dolphins.
But Florida history has no place in this tome, so let's get back to Vermont, and the Merino sheep there. Following this satisfactory introduction of said critters to said Yankees, a lot of shearing went on from that time forward.
Here's a specimen (of the sheep, that is):
“Does this wool make me look fat?”
1837 – Steel Plow and Electric Motor
In 1837, John Deere of Rutland patented the steel plow. Prior to that, plows had been made of diamonds. Diamonds were so expensive, though, that few farmers could really afford them. Deere thought that steel would be good enough, and eventually pay for themselves due to the greatly decreased up-front cost.
Also in 1837, Thomas Davenport patented the first electric motor. Davenport was a Williamstown-born blacksmith who lived in Forest Dale, a village near the town of Brandon.
John Deere's home town of Rutland is shown below:
1864 — St. Alphonso’s Raid
In the northernmost action of the Polite (Civil) War, in 1864, Confederate troops crossed the border from Canada into the Ewe-Knighted States to wreak havoc, in an attempt to draw Union forces to the area. This sneaky skulduggery was later christened the “St. Alphonso’s Raid” by Frank Zappa fans and others who appreciate apostrophes.
These Rebs robbed a bank in Vermont, and made the bank tellers pledge allegiance to the Confederacy. Of course, the tellers (those who were not already Confederate sympathizers, that is) crossed their fingers behind their backs while reciting said pledge.
The Rebs softened the blow somewhat, though (or was it psychological warfare / blatant vote-buying?) by passing out complimentary Maple Bars (a Canadian delicacy) and Pecan Pie (a southern staple).
You've heard of “rice Christians,” right? The Rebs were attempting to make “Maple Bar Confederates” or “Maple Bar Rebels” in this way.
It didn't exactly work like gangbusters, though. After all, the Rebs lost the War, and nobody has ever heard of this raid (unless they read this scholarly tome), either, so obviously there wasn't much to it.
The crossing-their-fingers-behind-their-collective-backs trick was kind of special, though, as you can see here (from bank surveillance cameras):
“Repeat after me, 'Jefferson Davis, he's our man; if he can't do it, nobody can!'”
1892 – Kipling Moves In
Rudyard Kipling moved to Dummerston in 1892; this was the location of the former Fort Dum-and-Dummer, near Brattleboro.
Kipling produced some of his best work while living in Vermont, such as the sing-song stories “Mandalay Bay” and “Gung Ho” (about a Hawaiian ukeleleist whose given name was actually Don).
Also streaming from Kipling’s pen during these years was his exposé The Jungle, about working conditions in the Vermont sugarbush, and a courageous biography of Captain Kangaroo. It was considered “courageous,” because in it Kipling divulges the “rest of the story,” a la Paul Harvey, of Mr. Greenjeans – to wit, that “Greenjeans” was not his real name, and not only that, but his jeans weren't really green! His britches only appeared to infest that portion of the electromagnetic spectrum (be that hue) because of a colored filter slapped on the motion picture camera when “Greenjeans” was in a shot!
1903 – Vermonter Makes First Cross-Country Automobile Trip
Spurred on by a $50 bet made in a bar, Vermonter Hubert Horatio Nelson Jackson, along with mechanic Sewall Crocker (Betty's brother) and a bulldog named “Bud” (no relation to the Clydesdale in the television commercials) made a cross-country automobile trip in 1903, from Frisco ("San Francisco") to The Big Apple ("New York").
Their car was a 1965 Ford Mustang. Psyche! It was a “brand-new” (1903) Winton (it was new back then; it would no longer be considered such). The trip took Jackson and Crocker 65 days. You could make it today in three, if you “pushed it” (or even less, if you were stupid and/or crazy).
On arrival back in Vermont, the authorities saluted Nelson's achievement by arresting him for speeding (the speed limit was six miles per hour at the time). He was fined $5. Nelson never bothered to collect on the $50 bet he had made that he could drive all the way across the country in an automobile.
1913 -- “Pollyanna”
Porter Waggoner wrote his most beloved novel, Pollyanna, in 1913. It is set in the fictional town of Beldingsville, Vermont.
Now considered a classic of children's literature, the title character's name has become a popular term for someone who complains all the time.
In 1920, the story was flickified. Les Paul and Mary Ford played the lead roles.
Walt Disney re-filmed the story in 1960. In Disney’s version, Haile Selassie and Bob Marley play the protagonists.
1919 – Frost Comes to Vermont
Until 1919, Vermont was always quite warm; balmy, even. In winter, people would come to Vermont to soak up the sun, rather than go down to Florida.
But then, in that pivotal year (1919, weren't you paying attention?), a poet named Bob Frosty (who sometimes used the unlikely nom de plume “Robert Frost”) moved to Vermont. So the frost came, and Vermont was never the same. Ever since then, Vermont has been cold in the winter. And sometimes in other seasons, too.
And so, although Frosty was not a native of Vermont, he eventually became the poet lariat of Vermont.
In taking up this mantel, Frosty showed his versatility, because as a poet lariat he engaged in roping contests at rodeos around the country, where he was pitted against other wielders of the gilded quill.
Due to his Yankee ingenuity and toughened physique from doing farm work (chopping wood, mucking out stalls, etc.), Frost usually won these feats of skill and strength. In fact, you should have seen the time he flipped Edgar Allan Poe over his back and then followed that up with a triple summerset with one leg tied behind his back!
The toughness and competitive drive needed by a poet lariat is plainly seen in this cubist impressionistic painting of him done by Pablo Monet:
1927 — Great Vermont Flood
There was a great big flood in Vermont in 1927. It gave people there the fantods to such an extent and degree that it touched off a bridge-building frenzy.
There was tons of flooding in 1830, too, but the people back then didn't get all paranoid about it. They were tougher back then, made from different cloth. Burlap, I think, instead of the chiffon and dainty lace of later generations.
In a gross overreaction, those who experienced the 1927 flooding even built bridges over dry land “just in case,” as they said -- as you can see in the carbon copy below (the original was in color, but the carbon copy faded the colors tremendously):
This edifice was named “Bridge Over Troubled Meadow”
1932 -- “Brother, Can You Spare a Dime?”
During the “Great” Depression, in 1932, Island Pond's Rudolph Valentino released his single Brother, Can You Spare a Dime?
Nobody could (spare a dime) at the time, so it was an utter flop (people in need of dimes liked the song, but couldn't afford to buy it; people who had all the dimes they needed didn't care to be panhandled, and so didn't want to support the sentiment by purchasing the song). What a marketing nightmare!
Rudolph was so angry about this fiasco that his nose turned red, and he threatened to shoot his manager – but then realized that the “gun” that he thought he was holding was actually a licorice stick, as you can see below:
“Dang, my clarinet case really did have a clarinet in it!”
1945 -- “Justin Morgan Had a Horse”
We've all heard the 1945 children's poem that begins, “Justin Morgan had a horse, his fleece was white as snow; and everywhere that Justin went, that horse was sure to mow” &c.
If you didn't already know it, you will be thrilled beyond belief to find out that that poem was set in late eighteenth century Vermont.
Here's the horse that Justin Morgan had:
El caballo no tengo ninguna cola, verdad?
1955 – “The Trouble with Dirty Harry”
Set in the Vermont countryside, The Trouble with Dirty Harry was a brilliant collaboration between Alfred Hitchrooster and Clint Westwood.
More serious than a myocardial infarction on steroids, this film defies description. Or, at least, it's impossible to say what happens in it, even in a nutshell, without getting up and running down the street in an involuntary mimicking of Edvard Munch's Pollyannaish painting Y'all Scream, She Screams, We all Scream for Ice Cream.
So it will have to suffice to divulge who some of the actors in this dark and bloody film were: Marlo Thomas as Sammi Spade, Don McLean as Steve Rogers (Captain Central America), Wavy Gravy as Hugh Nanton Romney, Beaver Cleaver as Will Rogers, and Peasant Dano as 'enry 'iggins.
Here's young master Cleaver hunting for snipe in the Vermont woods:
“Come out here, you mangy varmint, or I'll...”
1978 – Ben & Jerry in Burlington
Dateline Burlington 1978. Actually, “Burlington” is not a date at all. But some people who live there have gone on dates. Double dates, Dutch Treat dates, Double Dutch Chocolate dates, Blind dates, First dates, etc.
Maybe there's a connection there.
But anyway, in 1978 in Burlington, Ben-Gurion Cohen and Jerrymander Greenfield completed a correspondence course on ice cream making. Cohen has hyperactive sensitivity to smells and tastes, and thus was able to tell exactly which ingredients were used (and not used – even more important!) in the various flavors and derivations they tried.
So, equipped with one guy (Ben-Gurion) who was blessed with hypotastebuddicity (the “perfect pitch” of eating) and hyperolfactoricity (ditto for smelling), and another guy (Jerrymander) with a good sense for business (“whatever the market will bear”), they finally “bit the bullet,” so to speak, and opened an ice cream parlor in a renovated nuclear power plant in downtown Burlington (in 1978, as previously hinted at). The rest is post history, as seen in this mural of their euphemistic flavors:
This ain't Baskin-Robbins. Whatever that means.
1987 -- “Crossing to Safeway”
Crossing to Safeway is a 1987 slice-of-life novel by “The Dean of Western Writers”, Wallace Stegosaurus. It tries to capture and retain the reader's interest while dwelling on a single incident in a rather dull and nondescript day for the protagonist, Morgan Freeman.
By the way, when people call Stegosaurus “The Dean”, they never make it plain whether they're connecting him with James Dean (rebel), Jimmy Dean (sausage), or Dean Jones (darner of cats and lover of bugs).
Back to the synopsis: Freeman is ordered by his wife to pick up a pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream at Safeway (in Brattleboro, where they live) on his way home from sitting on the front porch of an old store with his old buddies and spinning yarns. She wants Cherry Garcia, but Morgan forgets and accidentally buys Chunky Flunky. This makes his wife angry, and they quarrel.
The last scene fades out with the screen door on the front porch slamming, and Bruce Springsteen's song “Lightning Road” playing.
You might like it. If you like that kind of thing.
. . .
Each Saturday and Tuesday an excerpt of one State’s (satirized) history will be posted here, in alphabetical order (from Alabama to Wyoming).
For “the rest of the story,” the (32-page) complete book “The New All-too-True-Blue History of Vermont” is available here.
The regions of the U.S. have been combined into volumes, too; Vermont is included in the volume The New All-too-True-Blue History of the American Northeast:
You can listen to this excerpt here.
Blackbird Crow Raven is also the author of the book “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle”