Excerpt from Satirical History of MISSISSIPPI
NEW “ALL-TOO-TRUE-BLUE” (ALTERNATIVE) STATE HISTORIES
TIME IMMEMORIAL – Plaquemine Cultures, Mud Cats, and Mud Pies
The Indians were always the first inhabitants everywhere in the Ewe-Knighted states. Some of these in Mississippi were the Plaquemine cultures who, as their name makes evident, mined plaque. This they extracted from the fossils of megafauna embedded in the substrata of the earth’s crust. This plaque was then sold on the open market to the highest bidder (plus cost of shipping).
Mississippi was next populated chiefly by mud cats and mud pies. One tastes better than the other.
As for European adventurers and opportunists, in Mississippi’s case, the Spanish conquistadors were first. Later, it was the other usual suspects: French and British colonists.
1540 to 1541 – De Soto & the Female Lumberjacks
Spanish explorer Hernando De Soto became the first European to enter Mississippi in 1540, and stuck around the next year, too.
De Soto wintered with the Chickasaws. Although their identity is lost in the mists of time, the Chickasaws were apparently female lumberjacks (assuming that “Chickasaw” was originally “Chick of the Saw” or in other words “chicks that use saws”).
At any rate, if winter comes, then spring is not far behind and it was at that time (spring) that De Soto discovered the Mississippi River (it had actually been there the whole time).
Hernando drove over to the banks of the Mississippi in a De Soto automobile, sent down from Michigan as a present from his bosom buddy Henry Ford. There Hernando saw a vision of Mark Twain in the mist on a steamboat, swapping fish stories with the leadsman.
That gave De Soto the fantods, and he lit out for the Territory (back to Spain, that is). His legacy lives on, though. The Minnesota Swedish band Abba had a song about him (Hernando), and a bunch of Merseybeaters from across the pond named their combo after him (Hernan’s Hermits). After all, who would take “Peter’s Hermits” seriously?
No images of the female lumberjacks have survived the ravages of time and inclement weather, but Diego Delso was able to supply this image of De Soto’s car, the one he drove to the banks of the Mississippi:
This beauty is classified as a “Historic Vehicle” because De Soto used it; his buttprints are still discernible on the driver’s seat. You can purchase this classic for the low low price of $42 million dollars (a bargain at twice the price!)
1742 – Unknown Frenchman Tracks the Trace
The TOTUF (T-O-T-U-F, Tomb of the Unknown Frenchman) can be found outside of Natchez. This trapezoidal parallelogram obelisk commemorates an unknown Frenchman who was the first European to travel the length of the Natchez Trace, a forest trail that went from there in Natchez 600 miles to the Grand Ole Opry in Nashville, Tennessee.
This historic feat was finished in 1742, and feted sometime after (the sculptor did not date his work, so we don’t know exactly how long the odd-shaped tribute has stood).
Of course, the Indians had been walking the trail “forever” and were less than impressed with his accomplishment. The Frenchman was, for his part, unimpressed with the trail, citing its “miserable conditions.” This could have been due to the dearth of 5-star restaurants along the route, though. You know how those French are about their food. If they eat a frog or a snail, it has to be cooked “just right” or they won’t even touch it.
We can only surmise and conjecture what this Frenchman thought when he saw that there was already a farmer living close to the trail, as this photo from 1740 (two years before he arrived!) clearly shows:
Early farm along the Natchez Trace, there since 1740 at the very latest. They probably grew cotton and tobacco, and raised water moccasins as pets
1863 — Battle of Vicksburg
The Battle of Vicksburg, which lasted a month-and-a-half, was all about impatience on the one side, and lack of generosity on the other.
You see, the Union soldiers had sore feet from walking all the way to Vicksburg. They knew that (obviously!) Vicksburg had large storehouses full of Vicks Vapo-Rub.
They wanted this to serve as a soothing balm to their tortured tootsies. They sent an envoy to request a few sacks of the soothing ointment.
The residents of Vicksburg demurred, saying they would prefer to sell it than just provide the relief outright, without remuneration.
This made the Billy Yank boys fighting mad and, tired dogs and all, they marched over to the city gates and demanded Vicks Vapo-Rub be thrown over the parapets to them.
Silence was the only response they received.
The Union men asked again, politely. Then they pleaded. Finally, they threatened. After yelling themselves hoarse, they sent a delegation back to their commander, Hiram U. Grant (they called him “Old Huggy”) to see if he could get the Vicksburgians to fork over the gelatinous object of their desire.
After failing to get Mayor Pemberton to budge from his stubborn stand, Grant proceeded to recruit his worst buglers and singers to assail the town with renditions of old standbys such as “Marching Through Georgia” and “Battle Him, of the Republic,” as well as “I’m a Yankee Doodlebug Dandy.”
NOTE: For the intrepid, there will be bonus soundtrack notes of these songs at the very end of this post
Finally, unable to stand the hubbub, din, and infernal racket any longer, the residents of the Vapo-Rub-rich community threw all the bottles they could scrape together over the city walls, holding none of them at all back.
The Union men then went away, satisfied, carrying their boodle in knapsacks slung over their shoulders. But by then, having stayed so long in one place, their feet didn’t hurt them any more, anyway, and so they threw the spoils of war into the Mississippi River to feed the Catfish.
End result: Status Quo Ante Bellum ... for the people, that is. The Catfish got a gutache.
The moral of the story is: if your feet hurt, stop and rest! And: if you’re going to give in at some point, anyway, why not give in right at the beginning, and save everybody concerned all that time and trouble?
Here is a picture of the terrible music torture going on, and its effect:
“Give ’em your worst, boys! Sing ‘Marching Through Georgia’ again, this time in a warbling falsetto yodel!”
1884 – Shoes on the Wrong Feet
Before 1884, it was impossible to put your foot in the wrong shoe. All shoes were the same. They were not customized, or tailored (cobbled together) specifically for “left” and “right” feet.
So “You’ve got your shoes on the wrong feet” was a piece of intelligence that children never received from their mothers prior to 1884. Husbands also did not hear it from their wives. But I repeat myself.
That changed in 1884 when Philbert Gill’s Shoe Parlor in Vicksburg introduced customized shoes, sold by the matching pair (one for the left foot, one for the right foot), and laid in boxes like a couple of outsized sardines.
Assisting in the acceptance of this newfangled fashion for footwear was the proprietor’s slogan: “Your feet are in good hands with Gill.”
If only The Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe (shown below) had known about this shoe-pairing business, she would have deduced that there was another shoe somewhere to be found, which she could have used for storage or even rented out.
Is her shoe house a left, or a right, shoe? Only her cobbler knows for sure
1903 -- “Teddy” Waits for Bigger Game
In 1903, Theodore (which means “god of doors” in Latin) Roosevelt (which means “rosy forest” in Dutch) refused to shoot at a child’s stuffed animal (an anthropomorphized bear) while on a hunting trip in Sharkey County, Mississippi.
Some of his companions considered him to be overly sentimental in this, as they thought that “a stuffed bear in a tree is better than a real one which might bite you.”
Mr. Roosevelt, whose secret nickname was “Teddy,” was chagrinned* when a line of plush bear toys was soon thereafter marketed with the catchy name “Teddy Bears.”
* To be “chagrinned” means to grin while dancing the Cha-Cha-Cha. Mr. Roosevelt couldn’t help himself, pleased as punch as he was to have the cute little plush toy named in his honor.
A National Enquirer photographer was on the scene (hiding in a tree in a polecat suit to avoid detection). He caught this blurry-but-better-than-nothing image of the event:
“Give that baby bear back to its mother. I’m waiting for Yogi!”
Soundtrack note: “Be my Teddy Bear” by Elvis Parsley
1956 – Elvis and Ed
Tupelo’s Elvis Parsley appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show in 1956; they only showed the bottom half of him, as the top half was gyrating way too much. He was making faces and moving his lips very flubberingly as he lip-synched to his hit song medley, “Achy Breaky Heartbreak Hotel California”
It is rumored that Elvis and Ed didn’t get along; Elvis allegedly called Ed a “hound dog” and said they couldn’t be friends until Sullivan had caught a rabid rabbit. Sullivan retorted with the suggestion that Elvis go back to driving a truck.
You can see in the picture below that they refused to look at each other backstage. Ed is nervously pulling his lower lip out with his forefinger and middle finger, indirectly making light of and casting aspersions on Elvis and his lip-synching machinations, while Elvis can’t wait to “get him back” with his musical allusions to Sullivan’s alleged Logomorphophobia.
“Somebody should teach this punk a lesson!” “Squares like you who never catch rabbits make me sick!”
Soundtrack Note: “Hound Dog” by Parsley
Soundtrack Note: “Heartbreak Hotel” (co-written by Hoyt Axton’s mother) by some guy
1967 -- “In the Heat of the Knights in White Hoods”
The 1967 comedy In the Heat of the Knights in White Hoods featured Sidney Porter (better known as O. Henry) as Ernest Tubb, a standup comedian from Philadelphia, and Rod Stewart, who plays himself in his early days with the Faces.
The madcap cutups these characters engage in is nothing short of knee-slappingly hilarious.
1977 -- “Margaritaville”
Jim E. Buffett (Warren’s grandson), born in Pascagoulash, put out the song Margaritaville in 1977. It increased the sales of Margaritas in bars 42,000 per cent.
That was the first year. It declined thereafter somewhat.
Soundtrack note: “Margaritaville” by Jimmy Buffett
2000 -- “O Brother, Where Art Thou?”
O Brother, Where Art Thou? was an infomercial filmed in Mississippi in 1937, and finally released in 2000. It featured George Clueless, John Turtle (Native American), and Tim McGraw Blake Shelton Willie Nelson, with John Badman, Holly Golightly, and Charles Durnyoukids in supporting roles.
Although ostensibly “just” an infomercial, O Brother, Where Art Thou caught the imagination of the audience, as it brought to their mind James Joyce’s send-up Ulysses.
This amused the principals behind the infomercial, because it was actually based on David Bowie’s Space Oddity and a silly science fiction flop called 2001: A Space Odyssey.
The strangely popular infomercial had backing music from the people who happened to walk by while the cameras were rolling. One of these was a man named Ralph Stanley (grandson of Henry Morton Stanley, the inventor of salt and presumably the finder of Dr. Livingstone).
Below you can see Stanley playing his Mountain Zither, which is shaped like a Banjo because he doesn’t know how to play the Mountain Zither (Stanley can play the Valley Zither like there’s no tomorrow, but he didn’t have one with him, so…)
Photo-realistic Crayon drawing of Ralph Stanley by armadilo60
Soundtrack note: “I am a Man of Constant Sorrow” by the Soggy Bottom Boyz n the Hood
. . .
Each Saturday and Tuesday an excerpt of one State’s (satirized) history will be posted here, in alphabetical order (from Alabama to Wyoming).
For “the rest of the story,” the (32-page) complete book “The New All-too-True-Blue History of Mississippi” is available here.
The regions of the U.S. have been combined into volumes, too; Mississippi is included in the volume The New All-too-True-Blue History of the American Southeast
You can listen to this excerpt here.
Blackbird Crow Raven is also the author of the book “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle”
Soundtrack Note: “Marching Through Georgia”
Soundtrack Note: “Battle Him, of the Republic”
Soundtrack Note: “I’m a Yankee Doodlebug Dandy”