Excerpt from "The Secret Lives of Kids"
Preface and Foreword
For more on The Secret Lives of Kids: Or, My Time Spent with Class Bullies, SPED Students, and the Most Splendid Group of Kids in the World see this post.
I am posting the beginning of the book (its Preface and its Foreword) here so that you can get a feel for what the book is about and what it contains.
PREFACE
This book reports on events that occurred in 17 different classrooms at ten schools, and most importantly, the stories are about more than 100 kids that I got to know at least somewhat well, even if just for a single day. This experience was one of the most interesting, fulfilling, and heartwarming (as well as heartbreaking, at times) chapters in my life. I will never forget these kids, for the most part with very fond memories.
In order to conceal the identities of the people I write about in this book (mostly those kids I got to know, but also their parents and teachers, as well as my coworkers), I have changed their names. If any of them ever read it, they will probably recognize themselves, but whether they want to keep their identity to themselves or not I am leaving up to them. I will say, though, that all of the schools covered are part of MPUSD, the Monterey Peninsula Unified School District on the Central California coast, between Santa Cruz and Big Sur. The events reported herein took place over a six month span of time, from mid-September 2024 through mid-March 2025.
The first and most important school in this book is Monte Vista TK-8, where it was primarily the 1st and 2nd graders that I knew best, although I also have a couple of really good Kindergarten friends there, as well as 3rd graders.
NOTE: If you don’t know what “TK” is — neither did I, until I began working for Elevo as an after-school program contractor at that (Monte Vista TK-8) school. TK stands for Transitional Kindergarten, and is simply the grade before Kindergarten. So, in other words, mostly four-year-olds.
If one or more of your children attended a school within the MPUSD in 2024 or 2025, you might recognize them in this book (if I got to know them) — especially if they were in the 1st to 3rd grades and were in the after-school program at Monte Vista — even though I don’t use their real names. You probably won’t recognize many or any of the other kids, though. This is part of the overarching theme of the book, that your kids experience something resembling a “secret life” when they’re at school, a life which you likely know very little about.
As a caveat emptor, I am very candid, frank, and “up front” about what these kids did and said while I was with them, and how I feel about them. It is presented in the form of a journal, or diary, because I kept fairly extensive notes, writing my impressions and memories as soon as I got home from work each day. I proofread and edited my journal to improve the readability of it (clarity, grammar, and spelling), but did not change the thoughts I recorded. Some of my impressions of people and things, of course, changed over time as I got to know them better. I also added some asides and updates to my original notes where appropriate [in brackets, like this].
For the most part, my impressions of the kids (and their parents and teachers) are very positive, because I love kids in general, and especially those in the age range from roughly four to eight, which are the ones I spent the bulk of my time with (for the first few months, anyway).
The reason why I find that age range of kids the most pleasant to be around is that they (for the most part) are by that age potty-trained, but they are not yet old enough to have become jaded — as many become later, through no fault of their own, due to realizing how messed up the world around them can be (in other words, they see that the world in which they live is seemingly not “potty-trained,” a depressing realization that dawns on them soon enough). This epiphany can make them cynical, sarcastic, and untrusting of others, perhaps especially of adults (who cause most of the messes).
Thus, I consider that age range (approximately four to eight) to be a magical time for the kids — albeit still marbled with occasional heartache, as you’ll see.
The dreamlike, soft-focus feeling I have for these kids at those ages (especially those at Monte Vista TK-8th grade in 2024 and 2025) can perhaps best be described as how Dorothy feels about those arrayed around her bed at the end of “The Wizard of Oz”: the warmth of being surrounded by beautiful characters whom you want to know forever.
How I feel about those kids as a group and many of them individually reminds me, too, of the feeling I get when I read Abraham Lincoln’s bittersweet reflections on his childhood friends in his poem My Childhood Home I See Again. In that poem, Lincoln wrote:
O Memory! thou midway world ‘Twixt earth and paradise ... And, freed from all that’s earthly vile, Seem hallowed, pure, and bright, Like scenes in some enchanted isle All bathed in liquid light ... scenes of play, And playmates loved so well.
FOREWORD
In the course of writing this book (which covers two major scenarios: 1) After-school care of neurotypical kids, mostly from the ages of six to eight; 2) School day assistance, oftentimes “one-on-one” with kids in SPED (SPecial EDucation) classes who have learning disabilities and/or behavioral problems, I vacillated between several different working titles for it, including:
Coach Clay and His Kids (because Elevo calls their after-school program employees “Coaches”)
A School-time Grandpa’s Year as a Combination Babysitter/Teacher’s Aide/Catcher in the Rye (not to mention the “best pusher on the playground”) (a bit wordy, no?)
Adventures in Kid-sitting, and the Power of Grandfatherly Love
— and, the one I finally settled on:
The Secret Lives of Kids
I also chose between two different subtitles, namely:
A Baby-Boomer Discovers the Beauty of Generation Alpha’s Soul
— and, the one I settled on:
Or: My Time Spent with Class Bullies, SPED Students, and the Most Splendid Group of Kids in the World
As for “what sort of book is this?” I would have to say it’s a sort of weird kaleidoscopization (try saying that neologism three times fast) of the old TV shows Kids Say the Darndest Things and Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood, as well as the (also old) books Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance (because at times it might seem to you that I am gradually descending into madness [spoiler alert: while editing this book, I realized that I do indeed suffer from Athazagoraphobia]) and One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (the portion of the book where I am helping severely autistic kids).
Now, before getting into the day-to-day occurrences of my six months with kids of various ages, temperaments, and life situations, let me first say (or, rather, write) this: In my opinion, one of the very most important things in the world is to keep kids safe: Primarily, safe physically, protected from those who might harm them, but also safe emotionally, protecting them from those who would undermine their self-esteem, confidence, and feeling of self-worth and value; sometimes, this means saving them from themselves — their doubts about themselves and their capability and adaptability, and lurking fears that occasionally surface as to what the future may hold for them.
The reason for my focus on kids’ emotional well-being is because they will probably be forever impacted by how they felt about themselves, and life itself, when they were children. They need to be sound and solid and secure while young so that they can thrive as they grow and strive to achieve a good life for themselves, confident in themselves and the good in at least some of those around them (while, unfortunately, recognizing the need to be cautious or even wary of others). They need to know that there are people who care for them and will help them regardless of the circumstances — no matter what is needed, and whatever the cost or consequences may be.
Schools are a subculture within society, and they have always been that; but for us “oldsters” (I’m 66 at the time of writing this in early 2025), the current school subculture can sometimes seem like an alternate universe compared to what my generation experienced.
I thought I had found my post-retirement niche while working for Elevo at the after-school program at Monte Vista TK-8 in Monterey, California. Although a low-paying, low-level, part-time job with no benefits and little cachet, I realized that it was exactly what I wanted to do at this stage of my life, that is, to be a protector and supporter of kids. My feelings toward these kids are so strong that I think of this as a grandfatherly love that I feel for them.
It was, in many ways, by far the best job I ever had; it paid less than most of those I’ve had in my life (adjusted for inflation, that is), and had no benefits (of a material type, that is), but it gave me a lot more satisfaction than most of my jobs had (which ranged from blue-collar work, such as delivering sheet rock and being a blaster in a gold mine, to 26 years of computer programming).
I supported the kids; protected them physically and emotionally; encouraged them; praised them, increasing their self-confidence and feelings of self-worth and security and, when they needed it (when they experienced physical or emotional pain) consoled them, which meant hugging them and holding them at times, which eventually led to problems for me.
It may sound grandiose or self-serving, but I am certain that I would die for those kids, without hesitation, if I had to; they may not have known that, but they may have sensed it; at any rate, they know that I deeply care about them. In most cases, their parents love them dearly, but they can never have too many people watching out for them (especially when their parents aren’t around). And so, when these kids were with me at school, and their parents weren’t there, I was their advocate and protector.
Going back to this feeling of grandfatherly love that I have for them, I asked AI, “What is the word for grandfatherly love?” It’s response was:
The word “grandfatherly” means having traits typically associated with grandfathers, such as being kindly, indulgent, or benign. Synonyms of “grandfatherly” include heedful, vigilant, careful, and solicitous.
Powerthesaurus provided these synonyms: doting grandfather · caring grandfather · friendly grandfather · sentimental grandfather · kindly grandfather · concerned grandfather
Quora said:
Grandparents’ love is often characterized by a unique and special bond that differs from parental love. This love typically includes:
Unconditional Support: Grandparents often provide emotional and practical support without the same pressures that parents might feel. They tend to be more relaxed and patient, creating a safe space for grandchildren.
Wisdom and Guidance: With their life experiences, grandparents can offer valuable insights and advice, helping grandchildren navigate challenges and learn important life lessons.
Nurturing and Care: Many grandparents take joy in nurturing their grandchildren, whether through spending time together, engaging in activities, or simply providing affection and encouragement.
Legacy and Tradition: Grandparents often serve as carriers of family traditions and history, sharing stories that connect grandchildren to their heritage and family roots.
Joy and Playfulness: They often bring a sense of fun and play into their grandchildren’s lives, allowing for a carefree relationship that can be different from the responsibilities of parenting.
Overall, grandparents’ love is often seen as a source of comfort, joy, and stability in a child’s life, fostering strong emotional bonds that can last a lifetime.
I think most kids (I did, anyway) often reply duosyllabically when asked by their parents, “How was school today?” I think I almost always replied, “Okay,” no matter how the day went or what happened during it. And to the question, “What did you learn in school today?” my answer was almost always, “Nothing.” But nothing could be further from the truth than kids learning nothing at school — they always learn something at school, whether it be academic information or something else.
The secret life that kids lead at school is often much more dramatic than answers of “OK” and “Nothing” would indicate. Their emotional highs and lows are precipitous on many school days, ranging from ecstatic jubilation while playing with their friends to bitter sadness when rejected, belittled, or made fun of or mocked by one of their schoolmates (or sadly, even teachers on rare occasions).
Why the kids don’t typically speak of these things to their parents, I don’t know — maybe they don’t want to think or talk about them after the school day is done? Or they don’t want to burden their parents with their concerns, feeling they are too busy or preoccupied with other matters? Or, perhaps, they don’t think their parents will understand or consider the events to be important. Another possibility is that the kids think they know just how their parents will react (by downplaying the seriousness of their trials or giving them unrealistic advice on how to deal with the situations). Or (perhaps the most likely and common scenario), maybe they just “don’t feel like it” for some other reason, or because by the time they get home they’re “on to the next thing.”
Whatever the reason is for their reticence to “open up” about their day, I’ve observed kids on a daily basis suffer devastating emotional pain (usually mercifully brief) as well as enjoy exuberant quasi-ecstasy.
I originally had planned to write this account only after several years, after watching the kids depicted herein “grow up” (add some years to their lives), at least seeing the first graders through 5th grade or so, if not eighth (and beyond?), but I quit my job with Elevo (after-school care) — the reasons why will be explained at that point in the book — as their “babysitter,” and so will no longer have contact with them. Thus, I’m left with the notes I took during the three-and-a-half months I did get to know them (from the middle of September to the latter part of December 2024 plus a couple of days after that when I volunteered to be with them).
Following those three-and-a-half months with Elevo, I spent two-and-a-half months working for Amergis, a company that focuses on SPED kids during (not after) school. Those experiences are detailed herein, also. They were not as joyful as the after-school time I spent with the kids at Monte Vista, on average, but they might prove to be more interesting in some ways. But I was dismissed from that job (the reason also detailed at the appropriate point of this book — at the end, that is). Actually, I turned down an offer to continue working for Amergis in another location, because I didn’t want a long commute; the job was already taking more of my time than I wanted to sacrifice.
And so, without further delay, my journal with its explanatory and illuminating annotations follows.
