Lumpy: “What a boring subject. Nobody will read it.”
Gravy: “But Grammar is your friend—”
“Oh, no it ain’t! Grammar is not my friend. It’s too complicated. It’s too fussy. It’s for nerds.”
“I understand. And I admit, it is sometimes complex and cumbersome. Its intricacies can seem elitist and obscure—”
“You got that right! Grammar is for old ladies with eyeglass chains and pinched faces who tell you to ‘shush’ when you whisper too loud in the library.”
“Grammar is for everyone. After all, what type of school did you attend as a youngster?”
“An elementary school, my dear Watson.”
“Gravy. OK, but it was also known as a ...”
“I don’t know. A prison? A torture chamber? ”
“Come on now. An elementary school is also called a ...”
“You got me.”
“Grammar school.”
“That’s why I hated it so much, then.”
“Actually, that they are named such shows the importance of Grammar. They are not called Math Schools, Gym Schools, History Schools, Science Schools, or even Lunch-eating Schools.”
“Grammar Shmammer. Who can remember, let alone understand in the first place, all that stuff about split infinitives, dangling participles, parts of speech, how to diagram a sentence—”
“You make a valid point, but it’s not as scary as it sounds. For the most part, we learn Grammar through absorption—”
“Absorption? What do you think I am: a sponge?”
“Yes; we all are. We learn language mostly by being immersed in it. Do you know the easiest way to learn to play the harmonica?”
“What are you harping about now? What’s a harmonica got to do with it?”
“The sure-fire way to learn how to play the harmonica is to carry one around in your shirt pocket everywhere you go.”
“Good thing I don’t need to learn how to play a church organ.”
“True, but my point is this: to learn Grammar, you should carry around your ears and mouth everywhere you go. And your brain, of course.”
“How could I not?”
“Exactly.”
“So what’s your point?”
“Listen to others speak. Contribute to the conversation yourself. That’s how you learn.”
“In other words, just talk with people. That’s all I need to do to learn Grammar?”
“Pretty much. But listen with discernment. Pay attention to how people use words and construct sentences. And, as I said, take part in the jam session yourself.”
“Jam session? Do you mean when cats and chicks get together and try to play the Peanut Butter song?”
“That’s pretty much it. What I mean is, a conversation is similar to a jam session: each instrument, or speaker, contributes to it, and what they play or say is influenced by or in response to what someone else has said or played.”
“Hmm.”
“A few more bars, and I’ll fake it.”
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“I’m not so sure your idea makes sense.”
“How so? What doesn’t make sense to you?”
“You say to listen to others to learn Grammar. What if the people we listen to don’t talk good?”
“Good point. But you can learn from the bad as well as the good. Once you listen to enough good music, you can also tell bad music when you hear it, by comparing it with the good you’ve heard.”
“Hmm.”
“There you go again. What I mean is, you know a sour note when you hear it, right? You may not know which note it is, exactly, but your ears tell you it’s sour.”
“If certain notes are sour, why not just stop playing them altogether? Remove them from the piano, or whatever. Or put a red piece of tape on them so that you know not to hit those keys.”
“It doesn’t work that way. There is no note that is sour in and of itself. It depends on the notes around it—the key in which the song is being played. And as a note might be sweet in one instance and sour in another setting, it’s the same with words. A word can be winsome in one place but atrocious in another.”
“So I will be able to tell when people use bad Grammar after hearing enough good Grammar?”
“Just so.”
“But what if I hear more bad than good?”
“Try to be selective in whom you choose to listen to most.”
“Easier said than done. I’m not so sure my family knows or cares about using good Grammar.”
“In that case—in fact, in any case—you can tune your ear or calibrate your brain to what is correct by reading well-written books, magazines, and newspapers.”
“That’s all I need to do?”
“Pretty much, yes. Also, if you have questions about Grammar or usage, you can either ask someone who knows, google it, or consult authoritative sources, such as The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Grammar and Style by Laurie E. Rozakis, Ph.D.”
“PHD? I’m a PHD, too.”
“You are?”
“Yes, indeedy; I’m a Post Hole Digger.”
“I don’t think that abbreviation means what you think what it means.”
“OK, Inigo.”
“There you go—if that’s your thing, why not read the book, by Goldman. He also wrote Marathon Man.”
“What in the world are you talking about?”
“You alluded to The Princess Bride. I thought you might want to read the book the movie was based on, by William Goldman. And if you like his writing, you might want to read other books of his, too. And that will lead you to other books that interest you; each book references others that you get curious about, and eventually you develop a good ear for language, build your vocabulary, improve your Grammar without even thinking about it—”
“So Grammar can gradually and almost imperceptibly, unobtrusively, really become my friend?”
“I think you just answered your own question. See what carrying your ears and mouth and brain around with you does? You may even find that, just as some musicians can’t read music and play by ear and do just fine, by reading enough good writing you can almost always tell grammatically-correct language “by ear.”
UPDATE
Here’s an example of why knowing grammar, spelling, etc. can help you in practical ways. Spammers always make a spelling or Grammar mistake, such as the one red-rectangled below:
Update #2
I got another email from those Jive Tom Turkeys: Note the tipoffs and possible tipoffs and problems they make for themselves. The first rectangled yellow portion says it’s from a mailing list; doesn’t that indicate it’s part of a scam campaign? The second yellow rectangle may make them guilty of copyright infringement. The rectangled red portion indicates it is not a “professional” job (two words telescoped together (missing space)). Which shows how important it is for legitimate businesses to get the details right—otherwise they will be viewed by discerning readers as suspect at the very least.