L.A. DODGERS CO-FAX ANNOUNCEMENT OF SHOCKING BUT SENSIBLE JERSEY NUMBER ADJUSTMENT
From the Archives (January 2, 2013) — By Vin Skullcap
On Tuesday, the Los Angeles Dodgers organization arranged for the simultaneous faxing of a surprising announcement: While Thomas C. “Tommy” Lasorda faxed one copy to MLB headquarters, former Dodger pitcher Fernando Valenzuela faxed an identical copy to the Office of Weights and Measures, the U.S. government agency that oversees all numerical calculations.
The contents of the fax were revealed by the MLB commissioner's office (not surprisingly, the Office of Weights and Measures misplaced their copy), to wit: Sandy Koufax's jersey number has been changed, post haste and forthwith, from #32 to #31.
The reason for the change, as Lasorda then explained in a press conference before a packed audience at Los Angeles City Hall, was fourfold:
1) The number 32 is now considered blasé and passé due to the ascendance of 64-bit computer operating systems (“32” is now viewed as being “old school,” and the Dodgers consider it a slap in the face for the jersey number of their most storied player to be associated with it).
2) As a result of the realization that 31 is nearer π (or “pi” (3.14, etc.)) than 32 (when divided by 10), and recognizing that Mr. Koufax represents, allegorically and hypothetically speaking in an illustrative sense, the diameter to the Dodgers circle, the logic for the change is self-evident.
3) As time goes by, when people think of Los Angeles and athletes and the number 32, O.J. Simpson's name is called to mind far more readily than that of Sandy Koufax. Thus, this jersey number change brings Mr. Koufax back into the public eye and mind, and on the 31st of every month (of the seven months that have thirty-one days, that is) they will spend some quality time meditating on Mr. Koufax's mound of accomplishments.
4) Since Hurricane Sandy dissipated on the 31st of October, the connection between the name “Sandy” and the number “31” has been clearly established as a positive one.
On a lighter note, when Dodgers fan extraordinaire Steven “Always” Reddy (purportedly no relation to Helen) of M'ont Arreiz, Caledonia, was informed of this news, he – in a manner destined to take the place of the mudshark in the mythology of the denizens of that berg – stormed the MLB office with importunities as well as many faxes of his own. In a fit of white-hot rage, he threatened to boycott baseball in general and the Dodgers in particular if Mr. Koufax's previous number (32) is not restored to him without further delay or ado. Failing that, Mr. Reddy, who plies his dentistry trade in the town mentioned above, vows to extract one tooth from each living person residing in the western hemisphere (at no charge, mind you), so that their chopper count continues to corroborate with Koufax's jersey identifier.
No reply from either the Dodgers organization or MLB has been received as of yet; rumors of an upcoming movie entitled “Mr. Reddy Goes to Los Angeles” are unconfirmed. The Reddy family would not comment on the matter; however, it has been noted that they have all of late cultivated the habit of wearing sunglasses and calling everybody “darling.”