Mark Twain, Bible Scholar (1867)
Sundays with Mark Twain #71
1867
1867.1.128) Quote, Reference, or Allusion: ‘They that go down to the sea in ships see the wonders of the great deep’ - but this modern navigation out-wonders any wonder the scriptural writers dreampt of.
Scripture: They that go down to the sea in ships, that do business in great waters; These see the works of the LORD, and his wonders in the deep. -- Psalm 107:23,24
Work; Date: Key West; January 6, 1867
Source: http://www.twainquotes.com/18670323.html
1867.2.129) Quote, Reference, or Allusion: Always after that, when they find you have transposed the pillows, they undo your work, and thus defy and seek to embitter the life that God has given you.
Scripture: Neither is worshipped with men’s hands, as though he needed any thing, seeing he giveth to all life, and breath, and all things; -- Acts 17:25
Work; Date: Concerning Chambermaids; January 19, 1867
Source: https://americanliterature.com/author/mark-twain/short-story/concerning-chambermaids
1867.3.130) Quote, Reference, or Allusion: The choir chanted the Litany, and a young fellow read a chapter from the Bible, another man preached a very good sermon, and then the Bishop read some verses from the Sermon on the Mount, gave out a multitude of religious advertisements about forthcoming meetings, Society assemblages, etc., pronounced the Benediction and the organist fiddled the people out of the church to a tune that sounded like the Sailor’s Hornpipe, with variations. All the time the portly, complacent Bishop was reading his handful of Scripture verses, the organ accompanied him with a mixture of funeral and fandango music, to suit the sense of the text. Perhaps I can aid you in conceiving of the effect:
BISHOP - “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for they shall inherit the earth.”
ORGAN - “Maxwelton braes are bonny” - (being suggestive of the property inherited by the defendant.)
BISHOP - “Blessed are the peacemakers, for - ”
ORGAN - “Your little hands were never made to tear each other’s eyes.”
BISHOP - “Blessed are they that do hunger and thirst after -”
Scripture: Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. … Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled. … Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. -- Matthew 5:3,6,9
Work; Date: BISHOP SOUTHGATE’S MATINEE; February 18, 1867
Source: http://www.twainquotes.com/18670330.html
1867.4.131) Quote, Reference, or Allusion: When I came out of there, a fine healthy young descendant of Adam (I think he was a descendant of Adam because he hadn’t anything on but a fig-leaf made of a rag), took me into a large apartment that was as hot as sin, and gave me a basin of cold water to wash my face in, and a cup of ice water to drink, and then left me.
Scripture: And the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons. -- Genesis 3:7
Work; Date: THE DREADFUL RUSSIAN BATH; February 23, 1867
Source: http://www.twainquotes.com/18670405.html
1867.5.132) Quote, Reference, or Allusion: After this, I had to climb up on the marble benches and sweat and steam and cook again for fifteen minutes, and then Adam came back and put me through the same old complicated system of tortures again, winding up with a Niagara of a shower-bath that must have washed all my sins away - unless they had got caked on me - because I felt like a regenerated man a moment afterward.
Scripture: And now why tarriest thou? Arise, and be baptized, and wash away thy sins, calling on the name of the Lord. -- Acts 22:16
Work; Date: THE DREADFUL RUSSIAN BATH; February 23, 1867
Source: http://www.twainquotes.com/18670405.html
1867.6.133) Quote, Reference, or Allusion: A stop of four or five days will be made at Alexandria, in Egypt, and the ruins of Caesar’s Palace, Pompey’s Pillar, Cleopatra’s Needle, the Catacombs, the site of ancient Memphis, Joseph’s Granaries, and the Pyramids.
Scripture: And he gathered up all the food of the seven years, which were in the land of Egypt, and laid up the food in the cities: the food of the field, which was round about every city, laid he up in the same. -- Genesis 41:48
Work; Date: GRAND EUROPEAN PLEASURE TRIP; March 2, 1867
Source: http://www.twainquotes.com/18670409.html
1867.7.134) Quote, Reference, or Allusion: Barnum’s lions prefer fresh beef to martyrs. I suspect they are of the same breed as those we read of that were too stuck up to eat good old Daniel.
Scripture: My God hath sent his angel, and hath shut the lions’ mouths, that they have not hurt me: forasmuch as before him innocency was found in me; and also before thee, O king, have I done no hurt. -- Daniel 6:22
Work; Date: HOW ARE THE MIGHTY FALLEN!; March 2, 1867
Source: http://www.twainquotes.com/18670409.html
1867.8.135) Quote, Reference, or Allusion: ...Mountain bears, so interesting to Christian families from being mentioned in the Sacred Scriptures,…
Scripture: And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them. – 2 Kings 2:23,24
Work; Date: Barnum’s First Speech in Congress (By Spiritual Telegraph); March 5, 1867
Source: Collected Tales, Sketches, Speeches, & Essays: 1852–1890
1867.9.136) Quote, Reference, or Allusion: That must be a benefit beyond the power of figures to estimate, which can make us consent to take the High Priestess we reverence at the sacred fireside and send her forth to electioneer for votes among a mangy mob who are unworthy to touch the hem of her garment.
Scripture: And, behold, a woman, which was diseased with an issue of blood twelve years, came behind him, and touched the hem of his garment. – Matthew 9:20
Work; Date: Female Suffrage; March 1867
Source: from an article printed in the Daily Alta California, Volume 19, Number 6253, 28 April 1867
1867.10.137) Quote, Reference, or Allusion: I heard people say “prink” to express that they had been “fixing up;” and heard them say they had been “peeking” through a crack, for instance, instead of “peeping;” and heard them say “cal’late” instead of “reckon” (which latter is a perfectly legitimate word, as the ALTA readers may see by reference to the 18th verse of the 8th chapter of Romans)
Scripture: For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. -- Romans 8:18
Work; Date: NOTABLE THINGS IN ST. LOUIS; April 16, 1867
Source: http://www.twainquotes.com/18670526.html
1867.11.138) Quote, Reference, or Allusion: The famed ‘judgment of Solomon’ dwindles to folly in comparison with this decision.
Scripture: And the king said, Bring me a sword. And they brought a sword before the king. And the king said, Divide the living child in two, and give half to the one, and half to the other. Then spake the woman whose the living child was unto the king, for her bowels yearned upon her son, and she said, O my lord, give her the living child, and in no wise slay it. But the other said, Let it be neither mine nor thine, but divide it. Then the king answered and said, Give her the living child, and in no wise slay it: she is the mother thereof. – 1 Kings 3:24-27
Work; Date: Official Physic; April 21, 1867
Source: http://www.twainquotes.com/mercury/OfficialPhysic.html
1867.12.139) Quote, Reference, or Allusion: But to return to the starting-point of this communication, the mania for giving the Government power to meddle with the private affairs of cities or citizens is likely to cause endless trouble, through the rivalry of schools and creeds that are anxious to obtain official recognition, and there is great danger that our people will lose that independence of thought and action which is the cause of much of our greatness, and sink into the helplessness of the Frenchman or German who expects his government to feed him when hungry, clothe him when naked, to prescribe when his child may be born and when he may die, and, in fine, to regulate every act of humanity from the cradle to the tomb, including the manner in which he may seek future admission to paradise.
Scripture: And Jesus said unto him, Verily I say unto thee, To day shalt thou be with me in paradise. – Luke 23:43
Work; Date: Official Physic; April 21, 1867
Source: http://www.twainquotes.com/mercury/OfficialPhysic.html
1867.13.140) Quote, Reference, or Allusion: No feeble, dingy grass and dusty leaves, but dewy, dense, luxurious carpets, and a gleaming magnificence of foliage, fit to shelter the beloved of God in the bowers of Eden.
Scripture: And the LORD God planted a garden eastward in eden; and there he put the man whom he had formed. -- Genesis 2:8
Work; Date: NEW YORK WEATHER; May 19th, 1867
Source: http://www.twainquotes.com/18670630.html
1867.14.141) Quote, Reference, or Allusion: On this counter are laid piles of folded chapters of the Bible, side by side - piles of the Books of Esau, Isaac and Jacob, Matthew, Mark and Genesis, Chapter 1, 2, 3, and so on, each chapter to itself - and that woman shins around inside of that counter and snakes off a chapter from each pile as fast as a printer picks up types, and before you could ask her out to drink she has stacked up a complete Bible straight through from Exodus to Deuteronomy!
Scripture: Although Twain mentions several actual Bible books in the passage above (Genesis, Matthew, and Mark), there are no Bible books of Esau, Isaac, or Jacob; and a Bible that only went from Exodus to Deuteronomy would be limited to only four books (Leviticus and Numbers in addition to those two).
Work; Date: FOR CHRISTIANS TO READ; May 20th, 1867
Source: http://www.twainquotes.com/18670707.html
1867.15.142) Quote, Reference, or Allusion: One of the girls read the ninth chapter of Second Corinthians for me. She spelled the words rapidly with her fingers, and when she came to familiar biblical words like wherefore, therefore, lo, behold, etc., she recognized them with a single nervous touch and went on. She made no mistakes.
Scripture: Therefore I thought it necessary to exhort the brethren, that they would go before unto you, and make up beforehand your bounty, whereof ye had notice before, that the same might be ready, as a matter of bounty, and not as of covetousness. -- 2 Corinthians 9:5
Work; Date: THE BLIND ASYLUM; May 2, 1867
Source: http://www.twainquotes.com/18670714.html
1867.16.143) Quote, Reference, or Allusion: Part of what the preacher said they seemed to receive as square and proper enough, and part they seemed to receive under mild protest - but when he said that Lazarus was brought to life after he had been dead three days, there was a pretty general telegraphing of incredulity from eye to eye about the assemblage, and one boy with a shock head and rags all over to match nudged his neighbor, and said in a coarse whisper, “I don’t go that, Bill, do you? - ‘cause he’d stink, wouldn’t he?”
Scripture: Jesus said, Take ye away the stone. Martha, the sister of him that was dead, saith unto him, Lord, by this time he stinketh: for he hath been dead four days. -- John 11:39
Work; Date: THE BOOTBLACKS; May 2nd, 1867
Source: http://www.twainquotes.com/18670714.html
1867.17.144) Quote, Reference, or Allusion: And when the preacher told how the five thousand were miraculously fed with twelve loaves and several little fishes, a boy said:
“Say, Jimmy, do you suck that?”
“Well, I do’no. It mought a ben, mebbe, if they warn’t many of ‘em hongry. I see the time, though, when I could a et them twelve loaves myself, I could, less’n they was busters.”
Scripture: And he commanded the multitude to sit down on the grass, and took the five loaves, and the two fishes, and looking up to heaven, he blessed, and brake, and gave the loaves to his disciples, and the disciples to the multitude. And they did all eat, and were filled: and they took up of the fragments that remained twelve baskets full. And they that had eaten were about five thousand men, beside women and children. -- Matthew 14:19-21
Work; Date: THE BOOTBLACKS; May 2nd, 1867
Source: http://www.twainquotes.com/18670714.html
1867.18.145) Quote, Reference, or Allusion: It was a cultivated bootblack - a bootblack who had attended the chapel I spoke of above, and become learned in sacred history and felicitous in explaining and expounding it - who so happily accounted for the absence of all apparent fear on the part of both Daniel and the lion, in a picture representing the prophet in the den. Another bootblack could not understand what it was that gave both so much confidence - could not understand what made each seem so serenely indifferent to the other. This wise boy explained it. He said:
“Humph! the lion don’t give a d--n for Dan’l, and Dan’l don’t give a d--n for the lion - both of ‘em relies on the protection o’ Prov’dence.”
Scripture: Then the king commanded, and they brought Daniel, and cast him into the den of lions. Now the king spake and said unto Daniel, thy god whom thou servest continually, he will deliver thee. … My God hath sent his angel, and hath shut the lions’ mouths, that they have not hurt me: forasmuch as before him innocency was found in me; and also before thee, O king, have I done no hurt. Then was the king exceeding glad for him, and commanded that they should take Daniel up out of the den. So Daniel was taken up out of the den, and no manner of hurt was found upon him, because he believed in his God. -- Daniel 6:16,22,23
Work; Date: THE BOOTBLACKS; May 2nd, 1867
Source: http://www.twainquotes.com/18670714.html
1867.19.146) Quote, Reference, or Allusion: There is one fine piece of statuary - Eve - but she had three apples - two in her left hand, and one in her right, which she was getting ready to bite. I thought our common mother only plucked one apple. When this sculptor makes another Eve he had better get her a basket.
Scripture: And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat. -- Genesis 3:6
Work; Date: ACADEMY OF DESIGN; May 28th, 1867
Source: http://www.twainquotes.com/18670728.html
1867.20.147) Quote, Reference, or Allusion: Now I respected that man’s repugnance to violating the Sabbath until he betrayed that he would violate it in a minute if he were not afraid the lightning would strike him, or something else would happen to him, and then I lost my reverence for him. I thought I perceived that he was not good and holy, but only sagacious, and so I turned the key on my valise and moved it out of his reach. I shall have to keep an eye on that fellow.
Scripture: Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work: But the seventh day is the sabbath of the LORD thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates: -- Exodus 20:8-10
Work; Date: A SPECIMEN BRICK; June 6th, 1867
Source: http://www.twainquotes.com/18670818.html
1867.21.148) Quote, Reference, or Allusion: I have seen all there was to see even the “Black Crook” - and yet, I say it, that shouldn’t say it - all is vanity!
Scripture: Vanity of vanities, saith the Preacher, vanity of vanities; all is vanity. -- Ecclesiastes 1:2
Work; Date: SATISFIED CURIOSITY; June 6th, 1867
Source: http://www.twainquotes.com/18670818.html
1867.22.149) Quote, Reference, or Allusion: There was a little difference of opinion between us-- nothing more. They thought they could have saved Sodom and Gomorrah, and I thought it would have been unwise to risk money on it.
Scripture: And Lot lifted up his eyes, and beheld all the plain of Jordan, that it was well watered every where, before the LORD destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah, even as the garden of the LORD like the land of Egypt, as thou comest unto Zoar. … But the men of Sodom were wicked and sinners before the LORD exceedingly. – Genesis 13:10,13
Work; Date: Home Again; November 20, 1867
Source: http://www.twainquotes.com/18680108.html
1867.23.150) Quote, Reference, or Allusion: Do you know what constitutes a legal quorum for prayer? It is in the Bible: “When two or three are gathered together,” etc.
Scripture: For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them. – Matthew 18:20
Work; Date: A Model Excursion; November 20, 1867
Source: http://www.twainquotes.com/18680108.html
1867.24.151) Quote, Reference, or Allusion: They speak of “prodigious veins” and “magnificent deposits” and “wonderful richness,” etc., and behold their tongues are touched with inspiration and they prophecy! They reveal the things that shall come to pass, with the easy confidence of Elisha’s newly invested with the enchanted mantle.
Scripture: And it came to pass, as they still went on, and talked, that, behold there appeared a chariot of fire, and horses of fire, and parted them both asunder; and Elijah went up by a whirlwind into heaven. And Elisha saw it and he cried, My father, my father, the chariot of Israel, and the horsemen thereof. And he saw him no more: and he took hold of his own clothes, and rent them in two pieces. He took up also the mantle of Elijah that fell from him, and went back, and stood by the bank of Jordan; And he took the mantle of Elijah that fell from him, and smote the waters, and said, Where is the LORD God of Elijah? And when he also had smitten the waters, they parted hither and thither: and Elisha went over. – 2 Kings 2:11-14
Work; Date: J. ROSS BROWNE’S REPORT; December 16, 1867
Source: http://www.twainquotes.com/18680107t.html
1867.25.152) Quote, Reference, or Allusion: They trench upon the jurisdiction of the Almighty, and disclose the secrets of the Kingdom of Heaven to Congress with a comfortable indifference to consequences that could originate nowhere on earth save in the placid breast of an honest miner.
Scripture: And saying, Repent ye: for the kingdom of heaven is at hand. – Matthew 3:2
Work; Date: J. ROSS BROWNE’S REPORT; December 16, 1867
Source: http://www.twainquotes.com/18680107t.html
1867.26.153) Quote, Reference, or Allusion: So it has been necessary to drive a pen straight through all these revelations of the things that are to come.
Scripture: Write the things which thou hast seen, and the things which are, and the things which shall be hereafter; – Revelation 1:19
Work; Date: J. ROSS BROWNE’S REPORT; December 16, 1867
Source: http://www.twainquotes.com/18680107t.html
1867.27.154) Quote, Reference, or Allusion: Things came to such a pass that these gentlemen sat coldly at the Cabinet meetings, with important public matters distressing their minds, yet not daring to speak out freely and honestly, lest some Judas in the party should print his words in that haunting friend of a newspaper.
Scripture: Then saith one of his disciples, Judas Iscariot, Simon’s son, which should betray him, Why was not this ointment sold for three hundred pence, and given to the poor? This he said, not that he cared for the poor; but because he was a thief, and had the bag, and bare what was put therein. – John 12:4-6
Work; Date: MARK TWAIN IN WASHINGTON; How a Mystery was Solved; December 17, 1867
Source: http://www.twainquotes.com/18680128.html
1867.28.155) Quote, Reference, or Allusion: Truly it has been said, “Ye know not when the bridegroom cometh” - more particularly when the bridegroom don’t come at all. And he didn’t come in this instance - or, as General Grant gravely expressed it, he failed to qualify. The five foolish virgins that had oil in their lamps were no better off than the two hundred and fifty foolish cues that hadn’t, for lamps, howsoever well they may be supplied with oil, cannot discover a bridegroom that is not present.
Scripture: Then all those virgins arose, and trimmed their lamps. And the foolish said unto the wise, Give us of your oil; for our lamps are gone out. … Watch therefore, for ye know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man cometh. – Matthew 5:7,8,13
Work; Date: The Lost Chief Found; December 20, 1867
Source: http://www.twainquotes.com/18680111t.html
1867.29.156) Quote, Reference, or Allusion: They wondered for full twenty-four hours, and then the defendant came to light - the lost bridegroom was found - the Prodigal Son rose up and returned to his own precinct.
Scripture: I will arise and go my way to my father, and will say unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and before thee, And am no more worthy to be called thy son: make me as one of thy hired servants. And he arose, and came to his father. But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him. – Luke 15:18-20
Work; Date: The Lost Chief Found; December 20, 1867
Source: http://www.twainquotes.com/18680111t.html
1867.30.157) Quote, Reference, or Allusion: They have passed the stationery resolution - they have eased up some on one thousand millions of debt - they have smitten the Goliath of gold with a pebble - they have saved the country. God will bless them. Let the new David bring the head of the monster to the foot of the throne, and go after more.
Scripture: And David put his hand in his bag, and took thence a stone, and slang it, and smote the Philistine in his forehead, that the stone sunk into his forehead; and he fell upon his face to the earth. – 1 Samuel 17:49
Work; Date: The Lost Chief Found; December 20, 1867
Source: http://www.twainquotes.com/18680111t.html
1867.31.158) Quote, Reference, or Allusion: The Ark has rested on Ararat. The most of the animals have gone away to New York and elsewhere.
Scripture: And the ark rested in the seventh month, on the seventeenth day of the month, upon the mountains of Ararat. – Genesis 8:4
Work; Date: The Lost Chief Found; December 20, 1867
Source: http://www.twainquotes.com/18680111t.html
1867.32.159) Quote, Reference, or Allusion: They never even speak of the whale that swallowed Jonah merely as a whale, but as the Prince of Wales. They think it suggests that he was an English whale. If he was that, that is sufficient. That covers up any probable flaws in his character. It is nothing to them that he went about gobbling up the prophets wherever he found them; it is nothing that he interfered with their business -- nothing that he put them to infinite delay, discomfort and annoyance; it is nothing that he disgorged prophets in such a condition, as to personal appearance, that they might well feel a delicacy about preaching in a strange city. No -- being an English whale was sufficient to make this infamous conduct excusable;
Scripture: Now the LORD had prepared a great fish to swallow up Jonah. And Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. – Jonah 1:17
Work; Date: MARK TWAIN IN WASHINGTON / The Big Trees; December 23rd, 1867
Source: http://www.twainquotes.com/18680211.html
You can get the entire book (MARK TWAIN, BIBLE SCHOLAR: 919 Bible Quotations, References, and Allusions from Mark Twain’s Writings) here.
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