NEW “ALL-TOO-TRUE-BLUE” (SATIRICAL) STATE HISTORIES - Delaware
Excerpt from “The New All-too-True-Blue History of DELAWARE”
TIME IMMEMORIAL – The First Delawarian
The first Delawarian was a Delaware Indian named Lenny Lenape. The state (and then and thus the tribe) was named for Lenny’s equine companion Della.
Della was what is known as a “clothes horse.” Sometimes she wore not only saddles and saddle blankets and all that truck, but even straw hats with holes cut out for her ears. When feeling whimsical, Della would put flowers in her hat.
She claimed it was not for looks that she got gussied up this way, but in case she got hungry while out in the vast deserts of Delaware. She never resorted to eating the flowers, though. Which made her excuse rather suspect than otherwise.
You never know what sort of tack Della would take when it came to her sacerdotal vestments, and people (and other horses) were always curious about what she wore. Newspapers and even the television “news” shows would report on what she was wearing when she appeared in public. It was exceedingly common to hear people ask their friends, “What did Della wear, boys, what did Della wear?”
In a “tell-all” interview for National Equine, she admitted that she was inspired to “get trendy” by her first owner, an infamous overdresser.
Our tireless archivist dug up this photographic evidence of that:
1624 – Dutch and Swedes
The first Two European nations to try to gain a foothold in Delaware were the Dutch and the Swedes. The Dutch built a shopping mall on Hooch Island and sold prints of Van Gogh paintings using the succulent juices of tulip bulbs as ink for their printers.
This was their way of protesting the exorbitant cost of regular printer ink, made from squid squeezings and octopus “milking” operations.
This is the map that The Flying Dutchman made when he staked out the territory for his country. The Spirograph-generated symbol in the NE quadrant of the map was at the time considered just as valid and legally binding as an electronic signature:
1638 – New Sweden and Swedish Fish
New Sweden was founded as a colony in 1638 and is recognized as the first permanent colony on Delaware soil.
Beginning that year, the Swedes operated a cannery on Aguilera Sound on the Delaware River. This port is of historic import, because this is where Swedish Fish were invented and manufactured (mass-produced).
Here is a sample copy of this delectable health food (the picture is printed with Swedish Fish juice, and so for that reason it is edible – just rip it out of the book when nobody's looking and scarf it on down your gullet):
1655 – New Netherlands Conquers New Sweden
Sadly, the Dutch and Swedish colonies did not coexist amicably, due to the disputed Kashmir territory that divided their two colonies. Eventually, the Dutch prevailed, and threw all the Swedish Fish into Chesapeake Bay (after dousing them with tulip-based printer ink, to prevent the fish in the Bay from becoming cannibals or, even worse, acquiring a “sweet tooth”).
The Dutch celebrated by having the medallion shown below minted. The image inscribed and embossed on it represents God’s favor towards the Dutch and disfavor against the Swedes. This is clearly seen by the cloud raining on the Swedish church.
1664 – Brits Boot the Dutch
Maybe God didn’t really favor the New Netherlands colony after all, because Dutch supremacy in the region was short-lived. In 1664, “those pesky Brits” kicked out the Dutch.
The British didn’t really want Delaware, but finally got riled up against the Dutch when it was reported to them that the Dutch were claiming that Van Gogh was a better playwright than William Shakespeare. They claimed this because Van Gogh had written, “All the world’s a stage. All I want is to be allowed to operate the trap door.”
Fortified by Swedish Fish provided by New Netherlands’ old enemies, the Brits won a decisive victory, and there was “a new boss in town.”
1701 – Delaware Goes Its Own Way
Delaware formally separated from Pennsylvania in 1701. Delaware wanted Pennsylvania to pay them Allegheny, but since this was a simple separation and not an actual divorce, disinterested barrister Ben Franklin denied their suit.
1763 to 1767 – Mason/Dixon Tug-of-War
The borders around the rivers in that area being fluid (even fluider than the rivers themselves, it would seem), Delaware and its neighboring States (Pennsylvania, Maryland, New Jersey, and Alaska) were constantly squabbling about who owned what, exactly.
Tired of fooling around, the States in question finally decided to settle the dispute by hiring two out-of-work surveyors, Dave Mason and Willie Dixon, to determine who owned Delaware, or who owned which parts of Delaware, or which parts were Delaware.
Wanting to speed up the process so they could get back to the tavern, Mason and Dixon drew a line in the sand and conducted a tug-of-war. This was called the “Mason-Dixon Line.” But the tug-of-war was a standstill, a draw – with no team giving or gaining ground after straining at the rope for several weeks.
So, the combatants/competitors shrugged their collective shoulders and played “scissors” for it; the British cheated, and “won.”
This is a map that was created after that not-to-be-undervalued historic watershed event:
The pink pieces are “pieces parts” of Delaware; the rest was given to France (so that the neighboring States wouldn't get any – the Brits were kind of petty that way)
1777 – Battle of Brandywine
In 1777, one of the epic battles of the Revolutionary War was fought between the British and the American Colonists; this engagement was called The Battle of Brandywine. You may wonder why. Logically enough, that moniker was assigned because the battle pivoted on an argument between the two sides on who could drink the most brandywine in one sitting.
A Brandywine drinking contest was set up. Who ever won it would get Delaware as a prize. Gamblers often put it all on the line or table back then.
As the Brits had more practice and were better prepared (having not drunk anything for 24 hours in advance and thus being exceedingly thirsty), they won.
I didn’t want to mention it, because it’s kind of embarrassing, but “Gorgeous” George Washington was there at the contest (embarrassing because his side lost, and because Mr. Washington refused to even drink any of the Brandywine, making the lame excuse that he was holding out for Kirschwasser).
You can see evidence of Washington’s presence in the inscription below, made by Paul Revere in his spare time, as he was riding a horse in the dead of night through Boston.
Good place for a Brandywine drinking contest, no?
. . .
Each Tuesday an excerpt of one State’s (satirized) history will be posted here, in alphabetical order (from Alabama to Wyoming).
The (32-page) complete book “The New All-too-True-Blue History of Delaware” is available here.
The regions of the U.S. have been combined into volumes, too; Delaware is included in the volume The New All-too-True-Blue History of the American Northeast
You can listen to this excerpt here:
Blackbird Crow Raven is also the author of the book “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle”