NEW “ALL-TOO-TRUE-BLUE” (SATIRICAL) STATE HISTORIES - FLORIDA
Excerpt from “The New All-too-True-Blue History of FLORIDA”
1513 – Ponce de Leon
Florida was the first region of the continental Ewe-Knighted States to be visited and settled by Europeans.
Juan Ponce de León, a former shipmate of Columbus, may have been the first European to land on Florida, in 1513. Even if he wasn’t, he was the one who named it “La Florida.”
By the way, the name “Florida” means “a whole lot of flowers” in Swahili. The problem with this is that an abundance of flowers in an area sets off a food chain reaction: first herbivores, such as vegetarians, come to eat the flowers. Then, carnivores come to eat the herbivores and vegetarians. This attracts omnivores, who eat whatever they can get, even carnivores. So beware: Florida is a dangerous place to go if you’re allergic to being eaten!
Anyway, back to the main point: Ponce de León at first thought he was landing on an island (he had already been to several in the region, and may have been suffering from a type of myopia). De Leon had no idea that he had actually arrived on the southeast tip of what would come to be known as the Ewe-Knighted States.
Contrary to a prevalent myth, there is no reason to think Ponce de León was searching for a fountain of youth. That story didn’t come into circulation until much later. No Don Quixote, the Spanish explorer/conquistador was probably too practical and cynical to view such a tilting at windmills as a worthwhile endeavor.
On second thought, perhaps Ponce de León was doing something macabre like that, because his signature, shown below, indicates a disordered, disturbed, or at best delusional mind, with a megalomanical bent:
1539 – De Soto
A generation after Ponce de León, fellow Spanish explorer and conquistador Hernando De Soto came to Florida in 1539.
The European adventurers who visited Florida (Ponce de León, Hernando De Soto, Captains Queeg, Crunch, Kangaroo, et al) found the place by steering well south of the icebergs in the North Atlantic. One of the ones they avoided was still floating out there almost 400 years later, into which the Titanic bumped while Leonardo da Vinci-Caprio was a passenger.
De Soto was the first European to penetrate from Florida on the east coast all the way to the Mississippi, most likely all the way to Arkansas. His claim to fame was that Henry Ford named a car after him.
Below is De Soto and his welcoming party. Mistaking De Soto for a music mogul, the Indian in the lower right is foreshadowing Lady Gaga while performing a karaoke version of Jerry Reed’s Amos Moses:
1565 – Saint Augustine
Some think that Plymouth, Massachusetts, where the “Pilgrims” landed in 1620, was the first European settlement in what would become the Ewe-Knighted States. Others know that Jamestown, in Virginia, preceded it, being established in 1607. Few know that Roanoke Island, off the coast of North Carolina, came even before Jamestown, being founded in 1585.
But Roanoke was only the first British colony in the Ewe-Knighted States. It was not the first one period. That distinction belongs to Saint Augustine, which was founded by the Spaniards in Florida in 1565, a full score of years before Roanoke and its ill-fated inhabitants arrived at the future birthplace of flight.
Saint Augustine is thus the oldest city in the Ewe-Knighted States. That’s why you find so many old people there, and all throughout Florida. In fact, some residents have been there this whole time, and are well over 400 years “young,” as they like to refer to themselves.
The picture below shows a large blue whale (Moby Dick’s effeminate cousin Chauncy) leading a group of Spanish ships through the bay:
1763 – Spain Trades Florida to Britain
In 1763 Spain traded Florida to Britain in exchange for control of Cuba; Spain temporarily got Florida back after the British were defeated in the Revolutionary War. Of course, Florida didn’t know this. It didn’t even know it was named Florida. In fact, it wasn’t self-aware enough to give a hoot.
As a good-will gesture, it is considered common courtesy to present newcomers to Florida with a pet alligator. Here are some Floridians doing just that in 1763 when British author Margot Kenyan Rollins moved to Cross Creek:
1816 to 1858 – Three Seminole Wars
From 1816 to 1858 there were three Seminole wars in Florida. Bleeding heart liberal Andrew Jackson fought in all three of them, staunchly siding with the Seminoles because he really liked John Anderson’s song Seminole Wind. Thus, “Old Hickory Smoke” proved himself to be the greatest friend the Indians ever had.
The first Seminole War lasted from 1816 to 1819. The purpose was to force the Seminoles to relocate from northern to southern Florida. Some did, some didn’t.
The second Seminole War, which took up the years from 1835 to 1842, had as its aim getting the Seminoles to leave Florida altogether. It was mostly successful, much to Andrew Jackson’s chagrin, but some of the beleaguered Indians were, in fact, allowed to remain in a designated area within the Everglades.
It should be noted at this point that Lake Okeechobee in the Everglades should not be confused with the Okefenokee swamp, which is located primarily in Georgia (where Pogo, “the sage of the swamp,” lives).
And by the way, the Everglades are called that because an army of civil servants are constantly on patrol there, sweeping the swamps and bayous, spraying Glade anywhere unpleasant odors are detected.
The third and final Seminole War, which lasted from 1855 to 1858, was another attempt to evict the Seminoles. It was ultimately partially successful, as some of the band agreed to relocate to Oklahoma.
Fighting alongside Jackson (who posed for the $20 bill while gazing at a palmetto tree and wondering if its fruit was ripe) were the Seminole leaders Osceola, John Horse / Juan Caballo, and Billy Bowlegs.
Here is a photo taken during a game of “hide and seek” during the Seminole Wars. If you look very carefully, you can see a Seminole scout posing as a pink flamingo. He is keeping an eye on the seeking team as it passes by:
1821 – Spain Gives Florida to the Ewe-Knighted States
Viewed as worthless by Spain because no gold or bullfights were to be found there, the Spaniards gave Florida to the Ewe-Knighted States in 1821 as a gesture of goodwill and cagey self-preservation.
On this change to the political landscape, one owl told another that Florida, the land that they loved, was now a British possession. His unmoved friend replied, “Who?”
1917 – Hovercraft Invented by James Weldon Johnson
Nothing happened in Florida for almost a century, until James Weldon Johnson invented the Hovercraft in 1917. The Ewe-Knighted States had just got involved in the “Great” War (later back-named “World War 1”) and Johnson wanted to get his mind off it. Thus, he turned loose his inventing talents on designs for this nifty new vehicle.
What you may not know until you read the next part of this sentence is that hovercraft operators are considered pilots rather than captains. This is presumably due to the fact that hovercrafts are airborne, rather than waterborne. Nevertheless, hovercrafts can operate above not only water, but also above land, ice, mud, and fondue.
James got the idea for the hovercraft while fishing for marlin in the Florida Keys with his friends Ernest Hemingway and Burt Reynolds. Mr. Johnson saw some flying fish, and wondered, “Why didn’t I think of that?”
To record the inventive process, his first move was to draw a sketch of the flying fish he saw while sailing with Burt and Ernie:
1938 – The Yearling
Marilyn Kimberly Rawls (grandmother of Lou), who also wrote the books Cantankerous Creek and The Wanderer (later turned into a hit song by Dionne Warwick), penned The Yearling in 1938. It was popular. It was set in Florida. It made Ms. Rawls famous. It made Florida famouser. It made Bambi jealous. This went to the Yearling’s head, and you can see how cute it thinks it is, posing in this daguerreotype:
Nobody Likes a showoff.
. . .
Every Tuesday and Thursday an excerpt of one State’s (satirized) history will be posted here, in alphabetical order (from Alabama to Wyoming).
The (32-page) complete book “The New All-too-True-Blue History of Florida” is available here.
The regions of the U.S. have been combined into volumes, too; Florida is included in the volume The New All-too-True-Blue History of the American Southeast
You can listen to this excerpt here:
Blackbird Crow Raven is also the author of the book “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle”