NEW ALL-TOO-TRUE-BLUE STATE HISTORIES (CREATIVE HISTORIES – COLORADO)

Excerpt from “The New All-too-True-Blue History of COLORADO”

TIME IMMEMORIAL – Indians, Mountain Goats, and Pikas

Before trappers, hunters, miners, and skiers arrived in Colorado, many Indians had been there for a good while. Among these were the Ute, Cheyenne, Apache, Arapahoe, Shoshone, Comanche, and Ancient Pueblos (these last should not be confused with the New-fangled Pueblos, who are hippie types (“Wanna-be” Indians)).

As for the first Europeans to visit Colorado, they were Spanish conquistadors.

Even before all these, though, there were Mountain Goats and Pikas. Pikas are haywire rabbits from Pike County, Missouri. They migrated to Colorado because the R.O.U.S. there made sport of them (using them for footballs - punting them, passing them, and kicking them).

And then there was Mesa Verde, too:

Rome wasn't built in a day, they say, and neither was Mesa Verde. It took two days.

1762 – France Gives Colorado to Spain

In 1762, France gave Colorado to its old buddy/partner in crime Spain. There was a method to their madness. This ostensible generosity was mostly based on their fear of having the land taken from them if they were to lose their ongoing war against Britain.

Since they were getting their fannies whipped by the British in the French and Indian War, France turned Colorado over to Spain. This land transfer was made official during the Treaty of Sacre Bleu.

The fears of the French were realized the following year, 1763, when they did indeed lose their war with Britain.

1800 – France Gets Colorado Back from Spain

France changed their mind about whether they wanted Colorado in 1800. Under pressure from Napoleon Dynamite, Spain transferred Colorado back to France at St. Alphonso’s Pancake Breakfast.

1803 — Ewe-Knighted States Briefly Claims Ownership of Colorado

Just three years later, following the Louisiana Purchase in 1803, the Ewe-Knighted States claimed ownership of Colorado. Spain was of another opinion about that, though, and the Ewe-Knighted States eventually let Spain (temporarily) have its way in that particular.

After all, Louisiana is not the same thing as Colorado. Even the Ewe-Knighted Staters had to admit that. Louisiana has deltas, Colorado has mountains, as you can see here:

Also, Louisiana has alligators, Colorado has elk. Louisiana has jambalaya, Colorado has rocky mountain oysters. Louisiana has hurricanes, Colorado has blizzards. Two completely different places.

1807 – Zeb Walton Pike Arrested and Deported

Being in New Spain, Zebulon Walton Pike was considered to be trespassing when the Spanish INS found he and his men snooping around Colorado in 1807.

Unable to provide a plausible reason for being there without so much as a work visa, Pike was arrested for vagrancy and deported.

Pike and his men were taken to see some Chihuahuas (the Mexicans were exceedingly proud of their singular canines), and thereafter expelled from Mexico.

Eventually, though, Pike had a mountain named for him, which you can see today from Colorado Springs, as you can clearly make out in the image below, which was gathered by stretching Play-doh over the whole scene and then carefully lifting it off, then pressing down on the Play-doh with a piece of construction paper impregnated with ink from a squirmy squid:

Pike's Peak is the mountain that you can’t quite see – it’s behind that big brownish building at the end of the street

1821 – Mexico Takes Colorado from Spain

Colorado was already getting tired of being passed around between sovereign nations like a hot potato, and it started to lose its patience with these political finaglings in 1821, when Mexico took it away from Spain.

It (Colorado) expressed its displeasure by frowning mightily. How do you know when a State is frowning? In the case of Colorado, it causes a storm to brew in the mountains.

A storm brewing is very little like coffee, tea, or beer brewing. See if you can tell the difference in the quote below from a mountain chain as it expresses its displeasure with all the political machinations that have been going on:

You have to remember that from the perspective of the mountains, these last couple of centuries seem like mere minutes

1848 — Ewe-Knighted States Gets Colorado

Not paying any heed whatsoever to the warning rumblings, the Ewe-Knighted States stirred things up again less than three decades later when it stole Colorado from Mexico.

At the Treaty of Guacamole Fandango, which coincidentally took place at the end of the Mexican-American war, Colorado was freely granted to the Ewe-Knighted States by Mexico. Apparently the Mexicans had gotten tired of looking at the Rocky Mountains. They were fixated on their chihuahua breeding operations.

1859 – Gold Rush

Over the centuries, Colorado has had many mineral rushes: Gold rushes, Silver rushes, Lead rushes, even August Rushes.

One of the biggest of these was the 1859 Gold Rush. The mass of precious minerals was called “The Gregory Load” because Dick Gregory discovered gold in his laundry as he was doing a load down at the creek in a gulch near Central City (which is situated about 30 miles west of Denver).

Ten thousand prospectors arrived within two weeks, and the comedian’s mining claim became known as “The Richest Square Mile on Earth.”

Some of this influx arrived on the train below:

1864 — Sand Creek Massacre

The so-called “Sand Creek Massacre” took place in 1864 along the banks of Sand Creek (of all places).

The Cheyenne and Arapaho there claim to have been attacked and massacred (men, women, children, dogs, and all) on orders from Kernel / Reverend John Chivington.

First off, a “Kernel” is an honorary military rank accorded those who are cornier than anybody else in their barracks. So, how could it possibly be that somebody with such a sense of fun would be involved in something as disagreeable as a massacre?!? Not likely!!!

And then, remember that Chivington was also a Reverend, and no religious man would ever do something so heinous and wicked. That unassailable logic proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that the Indians must have been confused about the matter – either it was somebody else who massacred them (a case of mistaken identity), or what really happened was that the Kernel/Reverend just swooped in with his men and tickled them all and told jokes until they were “dying from laughter.”

An artist with an overactive imagination painted this picture of the ticklefest:

The Ticklers and the Ticklees just before the fun began. It definitely became a ticklish situation.

. . .

Each Tuesday an excerpt of one State’s (parodied) history will be posted here, in alphabetical order (from Alabama to Wyoming).

The (32-page) complete book “The New All-too-True-Blue History of [State]” is available here.

The regions of the U.S. have been combined into volumes, too; Colorado is included in the volume The New All-too-True-Blue History of the American West, which also includes California, Nevada, Oregon, Washington, Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, Utah, Alaska, and Hawaii.

You can listen to this excerpt here:

Blackbird Crow Raven is also the author of the book “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” which is also being serialized here, every Thursday.