NEW ALL-TOO-TRUE-BLUE STATE HISTORIES (CREATIVE HISTORIES – CONNECTICUT)

Excerpt from “The New All-too-True-Blue History of CONNECTICUT”

TIME IMMEMORIAL – First Flora, Nations, and Fauna

The first citizens of Connecticut were huckleberry bushes. The abundance of huckleberries in the area is what led to Mark Twain to get the inspiration for the title character of his fable “Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.”

In a pensive and reflective mood, Twain looked out the window of his upstairs study in Hartford one day, and noticed the huckleberry bushes growing along the creek below. Up until then, the name of the protagonist of his book had been “Fred;” The title was to have been “The Adventures of Fred Finn.”

Thanks to Connecticut, and its huckleberries, the boy got a name change.

As far as the first people in Connecticut are concerned, they were, naturally, Indians. Since living was easy there, the Indians had a lot of free time, and often used it in thinking up ways to play jokes on the Euro-Americans.

The Indians told the newcomers that “Kinetic-cut” was their name for the place, and that it meant, “riding over Connecticut in a glass coach, mistaking ones equipage for blackbirds.”

Since they would always say this with a straight face (feigning stoicism is easy for Indians), the Euro-Americans thought they were being straight with them, and accepted it at face value. Some still believe it.

1633 – Dutch Fort at Future Location of Hartford

In 1633, ignoring the claims of the British that they had “dibs” on America, the Dutch erected a fort on the future site of Hartford.

They tried to grow tulips there, but that was a non-starter. Just prior to that disaster, which convinced the Dutch that America was no place for them, a delegation from back home got a tour of the area, as you can see below:

Riding along for a quick look-see of the area was Vincent Van Gogh, the little Dutch boy who stuck his finger in the dyke, and Ronald “Dutch” Reagan

1636 — Hartford Founded

Hartford, future home of Mark Twain and his family, was founded in 1636. Then it was losted for awhile. Never mind that, though; other famous cities have gotten losted, too, from Atlantis to Z.

In no time flat, the Yankees had added some buildings and bridges to the area. Finding the bridges looked odd without water underneath them, they imported a river to enhance the scenery, as you can quickly ascertain from a brief purview of the abstract painting by Rembrandt:

The imported river came from the ancient city of Babylon, thanks to Cyrus the Persian, who didn't want it there

1740s -- “Great Awakening”

During the 1740s, what was known as a “Great Awakening” took hold, as people started drinking more coffee.

And this was even before the “You Ban” campaign against tea, which came a few decades later.

America has been wide awake ever since.

In the scene below, those with a keen eye can detect a drip coffee maker or two in the tents. The orator explains the ways and means of using coffee grinders to awaken slumbering housemates:

“Coffee beans and human bein’s were meant to be the best of friends, friends!!!”

1794 — Eli Whitney's Cotton Gin

New Haven’s Eli Whitney (who later discovered Mt. Whitney in California) patented cotton gin in 1794.

Cotton gin tastes almost as good as “bathtub gin,” which is made from juniper berries. Cotton gin is also versatile; you can substitute it for dry white wine when company comes and you’re out of Chardonnay, Sauvignon Blanc, Chenin Blanc, and Pinot Gris (which is distilled from gray pine cones).

Whitney’s ingenious Rube Goldbergesque oldfangled contraption is seen below (it was newfangled when he dreamed it up, but that was a while back now):

Cotton is so dry that it takes billions of bushels to produce a single sip of cotton gin (that’s why it’s so rare and, thus, expensive)

1806 — Webster's Dictionary

Hartford’s Noah Webster and his twin brother Daniel, who was born twenty-four years after him, published his first dictionary in 1806. Word nerds read it cover to cover; others, only as needed.

As an example sample of Webster’s handy reference, here is an excerpt from an early edition. Webster put it in because his fellow Hartfordian Mark Twain was talking about writing a book about castles and King’s courts and such:

Is this a fitting place for a Connecticut Yankee?

1820 – Antarctica Discovered

The continent of Antarctica was discovered in 1820 by Nate Palmer (grandfather of underwear model Jim Palmer) of Stonington.

Two years later, in 1822, John Davis of New Haven became the first person to actually set foot on the Antarctic Continent. Actually, he set his whole body on it – both feet, his legs, his torso, his head, etc. Although it was only his feet that touched the ground. Until he sat down. But then he quickly got back up again, because it was really cold. At any rate, he set his feet on the ground, not just one foot – that would have been kind of lame.

A fact of which few historians are aware is that Palmer gave the continent its name due to a discovery he made. On board his ship, the Oriole, he kept some pet ants (in a jar of honey, to keep them busy and satisfied).

Sadly, he noticed that they died from exposure when he let them out of their honey jar for their daily romp along the fo’castle as they were sailing alongside the icebergs. He thus deduced that “this be a cold place for ants.”

Palmer knew that the Arctic (discovered by Nanook centuries earlier) was also a cold place for ants, as they were known to not exist up there. So, he named his new find “Ant-Arctic.” Later, a Mexican translated it into Spanish on a map he made, and thus the new continent became known as “Antarctica.”

Ants aren’t the only ones that think Antarctica is cold. Even the penguins wish they were in Florida, or at least North Dakota. Here’s one who got tricked into going into the freezing waters. His “friends” are trying to appear innocent and stoic, but inside they are laughing their flippers off as he jumps right out again (photo made available by Christopher Michel):

“Burrr!!! I'll get youse guys for that!”

1832 — First Integrated Schoolhouse in the Ewe-Knighted States

Connecticut had the first integrated schoolhouse in the Ewe-Knighted States in 1832 when broad-minded Quaker schoolteacher Miss Beadle admitted Sarah Harris to her school in Canterbury (Chaucer’s alma mater).

What was meant by “integrated” is that the Red Sox-crazed community had heretofore not allowed any Yankees fans to share their school with them. Miss Beadle didn’t care about baseball, though, so she let Sarah (a big fan of “The Bambino” and Gary Cooper) enroll.

The other kids gradually got used to it. Truth be told, many of them were not baseball fans, either; and even some who were were not particularly fond of the Red Sox, anyway.

This was in the days before Ted Williams, of course.

Who was this history-making Sarah Harris? She was the grandmother of Joel Chandler Harris, who wrote the “Uncle Remus” stories, and the great-grandmother of Phil Harris, who was the voice of Baloo in The Jungle Book. Joel and Phil share that bear connection (the Uncle Remus stories had a talking bear, too). They got this from their grandmother/great-grandmother, who brought a black bear to school one day, to commemorate the Yankees defeat of the Chicago Cubs the day before.

This is the famous schoolhouse where Miss Beadle turned her back on convention and local prejudice and allowed the Yankees fan to attend her school (supplied by Cathy Cline):

The blood-curdling yell of “Go, Yankees!” was oft heard spilling out of these windows during what was supposed to have been “quiet times”

1835 – Revolving Door Patented

The Colt Armory diversified in 1835. Up until then, they had been making prosthetics for young horses (arms for colts).

As the call for their product was limited (and most horses were scrapped for cash), Colt management decided to commence with the engineering of new products.

First, they revolutionized the doorman industry by inventing the revolving door. Then, once their dizzying product became popular, and revolving doors were installed in all the government offices in town, their marketing department brainstormed a bit, and finally came up with an idea for a new brand of beer to be called “Colt .45” and sold to users and abusers of their revolving doors.

This new brew was an instant hit, as those who revolved inside the revolving doors until they got hot and dehydrated were easy marks for this liquid refreshment.

The revolving door/malt liquor business thrived, and the business expanded, as seen in the painting below by Whistler’s Mother.

To get away from her son, who was driving her up the wall with his constant whistling, his mother took up painting to get out of the house and away from the incessant din and racket. She found comfort in the painting of smokestacks. Note the subtle use of vivid and vibrant colors that she utilized to portray her true inner feelings about the scene!

1839 to 1841 – La Amistad

In 1839, a bunch of Mennonites took over a ship that was taking them to the World’s Fair. The Mennonites had their reasons for this shocking action. They had been assured that the ship was taking them to visit their mentor Ned Ludd in England. When they found out they had been hoodwinked, they mutinied, commandeered the vessel (which had been heading for Chicago), and commenced sailing it to the land of tea and crumpets.

Sadly, though, they were captured by the French pirate Jean Lafitte. Taken in chains back to America, the Mennonites were imprisoned in New Haven.

The Amistad (the vessel the Mennonites had taken as contraband of war – they considered forcing them to the World’s Fair as an act of aggression) was towed to New London by the mother of all tugboats, a stout little vessel that had been christened the Foghorn Leghorn (which had been built and had endured its maiden voyage in Italy).

The irate Mennonites, who didn’t want to see the newfangled contraptions on display at the World’s Fair, were defended by Johnny Tremain, Quincy Jones, and Adam Sandler.

Some people say the name of the vessel (“La Amistad”) is Spanish for “friendship” or “the friendship.” Poppycock! Actually, it’s German slang for “city with American citizens” (“Ami” is slang for “a resident of America” and “Stadt” is the German word for city). That’s the real reason Lafitte brought the ship back to America – it was not chartered to go to any other country, island, or planet.

One of the Mennonites, named Cisco, is shown below with his bamboo flute (he was a member of the Mennonite polka band).

Cisco later gave up Mennonitism and joined up with Sancho Panza to star in the television series “The Cisco Kid” (he wasn't a kid anymore at that point, but Hollywood makeup artists and lighting manipulators can work wonders with that sort of thing).

. . .

Each Tuesday an excerpt of one State’s (parodied) history will be posted here, in alphabetical order (from Alabama to Wyoming).

The (32-page) complete book “The New All-too-True-Blue History of [State]” is available here.

The regions of the U.S. have been combined into volumes, too; Connecticut is included in the volume The New All-too-True-Blue History of the American Northeast

You can listen to this excerpt here:

Blackbird Crow Raven is also the author of the book “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle”