NEW ALL-TOO-TRUE-BLUE STATE HISTORIES (HISTORICAL PARODIES – ARIZONA)

Excerpt from “The New All-too-True-Blue History of ARIZONA”

TIME IMMEMORIAL – The First Arizonans

The first residents of Arizona were Dodo Birds, Passenger Pigeons, Stool Pigeons, Roadrunners, Coyotes, Gila Monsters, Sidewinders, Mules, Parsleybrush, Sagebrush, Rosemarybrush, Thymebrush, Turquoise Trees, Apaches, Arizona State Troopers, and the Grand Canyon.

Some of these “earlybirds” lived in luxury condos like the one you see below (I think it was the State Troopers, but don't quote me on that):

1539 – Spain Claims Arizona

In 1539, some Knight-Errant from Spain named Marcos de Niza poked around the area, and claimed it for Spain. That totally makes sense, if you don't think about it.

1776 – Spanish Fort Built at Tucson

In 1776, when the colonists (they of the 13 original) started having dirt clod fights with the redcoats on the east coast, the plucky Spanish erected a fort at Tucson.

No archival evidence of its appearance remains, but legend has it that, in order to keep in trim (as well as ship shape and Bristol fashion), the commander of the fort ordered his men to build windmills and then tilt at them while extolling the virtues of a lady they referred to as “Sweety-Pie.”

1821 – Spain Lets Mexico Have Arizona

Tired of tilting at windmills and fighting vicious giants while wearing cheap knockoffs of Mambrino’s helmet, Spain gave Arizona to Mexico in 1821; at the same time, trappers and traders from the Ewe-Knighted States were arriving, having heard tell of R.O.U.S. (rodents of unusual size) in the area.

1848 — Treachery of Guacamole Hidalgo

After winning much of the west from Mexico in a friendly poker game, the Ewe-Knighted States treated and feted their neighbor to the south with what some called “The Treat of Guacamole Hidalgo” (the name is an inside joke, but it has to do with a vaquero named Hidalgo who ate most of the guacamole dip during the poker game, not paying much attention to his cards).

Some people called it “The Treachery of Guacamole Hidalgo,” others “The Treason of Guacamole Hidalgo,” and some even inexplicably called it “The Treaty of Guacamole Hidalgo.” Regardless of what you call it, this agreement made official the Ewe-Knighted States having, holding, and controlling Arizona (and other stuff which we don't care about in this book).

A line was drawn in the sand where Arizona and Mexico meet; the land on the left is Arizona; Mexico is on the right:

1853 — Gadsden Purchase

In 1853, five years after the Guacamole business, the Ewe-Knighted States purchased the rest of Arizona from E. Gadsden.

1854 – Copper Discovered in Arizona

While looking for a Gila Monster to take home as a pet, an old crusty prospector (who bore a striking resemblance to Yosemite Sam) reached into a hole while nosing around an isolated mountain and pulled out a handful of pennies. Apparently they had been put there by Packrats.

Understanding the tenets of fair play, the miner shoved the pennies in his pocket and left behind a shiny yellow Milk Duds box (sans the Duds – he was worried for the health of the Packrats, who may have suffered from choco-caramel-intolerance, for all he knew about it).

Forgetting about the Gila Monsters, the old prospector shouldered his pick and went down the mountain to stake his copper claim. He soon sold out to a mining corporation owned by Barry Copperwater, who added to his already impressive fortune via the extraction of the useless but pretty mineral.

1862 – Cochise and the Apaches

In 1862, the Apache Servers, led by Cochise, went on strike for lower pay and fewer benefits.

They had been employed as waiters and bussers at the McDonald’s on Apache Pass, but were embarrassed about having more money than the soldiers who often stopped by there for a Big Mac.

To equalize matters, the Apache servers insisted on taking a cut in wages and benefits.

The soldiers didn’t mind being poor, though, saying “Virtue is its own Reward.” The two sides argued about this for ten years.

The Apache Servers’ spokesman was called “Co-chise” by the soldiers; that wasn't his real name, though. This misnomer was the result of a speech impediment; what they were really trying to say was “Co-chief” (because the spokesman in question shared those duties with the shop steward, a charismatic waiter named Geronimo).

1863 — Territoryhood

Arizona became a Territory in 1863, in the middle of the Polite (Civil) War. The Peccaries in the new Territory mostly sided with the south, because they liked the butternut uniforms better, and the Rebels’ yell reminded them of the way their mothers used to call them home when they were wee little fellas, romping around the desert looking for people to snort at.

. . .

The complete book “The New All-too-True-Blue History of Arizona” is available here.

Each Tuesday an excerpt of one State’s (parodied) history will be posted here, in alphabetical order (from Alabama to Wyoming).

You can listen to this excerpt here:

Blackbird Crow Raven is also the author of the book “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle”

The (32-page) complete book “The New All-too-True-Blue History of Arizona” is available here.

The regions of the U.S. have been combined into volumes, too; Arizona is included in the volume The New All-too-True-Blue History of the American Southwest: Alternative Histories of the Four Southwestern States, which includes Arizona, New Mexico, Oklahoma, and Texas