TIME IMMEMORIAL – The First Georgians
The first Georgians were peaches, peanuts, pecans, persimmons, and Platypi (duck-billed). All but the last attracted animals, and people. Those first eaters of peaches and other p-foods were the Indians - Cherokee and such. Then (here we go again), in the late 1500s, Spaniards came with their missions. Fortunately, though, they didn’t do much and left after awhile because they tend to suffer from peachophobia.
Oh, yeah, Hernando de Soto was in the general area from 1539 to 1542, but left no lasting impression.
1498 – Sebastian Cabot
In 1498, Italian television actor and hobbyist explorer Sebastian Cabot (Sebastiano Caboto) explored the coast of Georgia. He didn’t have anything else to do. He was out of work at the time. He was hoping to audition for the “Family Affair” sitcom, but television hadn’t been invented yet, so he went back to Italy and bided his time smoking cigarettes, eating pizza, and drinking red wine, in a quest to retain his opera-worthy figure (he didn’t know whether or not he would get a role as Pavarotti, and thought he better keep himself in “trim” just in case).
1526 – First Colony
The first Euro-American colony in Georgia was established in 1526 by Lucas Vazques de Ayllon.
Of course, this wasn’t the first village or settlement – almost all of Georgia was controlled by the Creek Indians at that time.
1739 — English Settlers Arrive
Nothing much happened in the 1600s, as most of the action in the Ewe-Knighted States was to the northeast in Virginia as well as Massachusetts and other suchlike “Yankee” places where people wear red plaid shirts and hats and talk funny.
In 1749, English settlers arrived in Georgia. The leader of this new colony, Jim Oglethorpe, was named this because he really liked watching Jim Thorpe play football (he “ogled” him, so to speak). Southerners really love their football.
Here’s old Jim, reading Sports Illustrated during the off-season:
“What?!? Nothing in here about Jim Thorpe?”
1739 to 1748 — War of Jenkins Ear
The War of Jenkins Ear, fought between the colonial powerhouses of Spain and Britain, took place for practically an entire decade, from 1739 to 1748.
The war was waged over a rather silly argument. The British considered Ferguson Jenkins’ ear to be small and comely, whereas the Spaniards felt it to be outsized and homely. This difference of opinion led to an out-and-out slug-fest, whereby Jenkins himself was caught in the middle, just trying to get out of the way, and emerged from the melee with cauliflower ears.
Worst of all, it was discovered after the two belligerent nations finally patched things up that the Spanish were talking about ears of corn, not Fergie’s ears. That’s what can happen when you don’t have good interpreters handy. Let that be a lesson to all diplomats.
This is a scene taken from a surveillance camera when the argument took place:
“The ears are small and comely!” “No, they are outsized and homely!” “Take that, you ignoramus!!!” (etc.)
1763 – French & Indian War Ends
When the French & Indian War (1756 – 1763) ended, France felt sad that they had fought against their friend England and, as a peace offering, they gave England all the territory east of the Mississippi River that they had been claiming for themselves (except New Orleans, which was too Frenchified to let go of).
Another part of the aftermath was that Spain traded “east and west Florida” (which included Georgia) to the British for Cuba. The Spanish liked cigars better than alligator meat (too gristly, and only tasted like swampy chicken, anyway).
“Didja hear we got Florida now?” “What’s it good fer?”
1788 — Statehood
Most people in the area were surprised when it was announced that Georgia had become a State, because they were already in a state. Some were in a state of confusion. Others were in a state of intoxication. Still others were in a state of matrimony. Others thought they were Floridians (due to the occasional alligator sightings) or Texans (due to the occasional armadillo sightings).
1794 — Eli Whitney Invents Cotton Gin
Eli Whitney invented cotton gin while living in Savannah. This contraption made gin out of cotton. With the flip of a toggle switch, it could also go the other direction using a combination of reciprocity and reverse osmosis, and turn gin into cotton. Depending on which one you wanted more at the time, you were pretty well set – as long as gin and cotton were all you cared about.
This splendiferous invention also inadvertently and serendipitously created a perpetual motion machine, as operators would first change cotton to gin, then, missing their cotton, they would spit the gin back up, and turn it back into cotton. They would then get a hankering for another taste of gin, and the whole process would begin all over again. They kept this up, never stopping, and thus the perpetual motion machine (which some naysayers, who were thus proved wrong, claimed was impossible) came into existence.
Here is a depiction of the cotton gin in use, apparently turning gin back into cotton:
“When them cotton balls get rotten, you can’t gin very much cotton, in them old cotton fields back home...”
1813 – Creek War
Knowing it would be futile to get in a war with the ocean, or even a very large river, in 1813 the Georgians settled with waging a war against the Creeks in the region.
They did this because the War of 1812 was being waged against the British at the time, and the Georgians felt they were getting “no show” in that conflict – it was mostly the Louisianans at the Battle of New Orleans, with Andrew Jackson (grandfather of Michael) and Johnny Horton (grandfather of the guy who heard the Who when they were Live at Leeds) leading the way.
Since they enjoyed this war with the Creeks so much, the Georgians were soon thereafter feeling nostalgic about it (playing up and exaggerating in their minds just how great and glorious it was), and gleefully started another one in 1836, which they didn’t get tired of until the next year (1837); truth be told, their wives threatened that if they didn’t get home and tend to their chores, there would be no more peach pie for them.
Here’s a Georgia Cracker asking some Indians if they know where any attackable creeks are:
“Say, fellers, have you seen any cricks around these hyar parts?”
1828 – First Gold Rush in the Ewe-Knighted States
Gold was discovered on Cherokee Land in Georgia in 1828. Specifically, the shiny metal was found in Auraria, near the city of Dahlongea. This was, in fact, the site of the first gold rush in the Ewe-Knighted States.
The Indian Removal Act was passed two years later, in 1830. But don’t be cynical – this was purely coincidental!
Before they moved west to Oklahoma, the Cherokee had a good chunk of land in Georgia, as the map below, drawn by a real tall guy with good hand/eye coordination, shows.
“There’s gold in them thar Cherokee Hills!”
1830s – Trail of Tears
The so-called “Trail of Tears” lasted mainly throughout the 1830s, and reached its peak in 1838.
The Cherokees, being haters of their ancestral land and ambivalent at best about the gold on it (they wanted to be like the Navajo and have turquoise instead) begged to be allowed to leave, to go to Oklahoma and start an “Indian Territory” there.
The Supreme Court balked at this, considering the Cherokee’s wish to be a mere whim, but warm-hearted president Andrew Jackson (grandfather of Jesse) stepped in to help, pressuring the Supreme Court to let the Cherokees go where they wanted.
The government even made preparations for the Indians to have a nice, pleasant journey when the next president, Martinet Von Bureau, assigned thousands of troops and militiamen to serve as guides and escorts for the Indians on their holiday trip, catering to their every whim.
The aerial photo below, taken by a drone strapped to the dorsal fin of a Pterodactyl, shows the various places tribes escaped from in order to go to “the promised land” of Oklahoma:
1830s Oklahoma Land Rush
. . .
Each Saturday and Tuesday an excerpt of one State’s (satirized) history will be posted here, in alphabetical order (from Alabama to Wyoming).
The (32-page) complete book “The New All-too-True-Blue History of Georgia” is available here.
The regions of the U.S. have been combined into volumes, too; Georgia is included in the volume The New All-too-True-Blue History of the American Southeast
You can listen to this excerpt here:
Blackbird Crow Raven is also the author of the book “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle”