SERIALIZATION of the PICARESQUE NOVEL “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle”

Intro and Preface

the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle

Being An Account of Warble’s Travels into the Past to Alter History, Wherein he Bungles Everything up Almost Beyond Belief and gets into BIG trouble

FEATURING:

--the inimitable Warble Poundcake McGorkle

--his long-suffering wife Mary McGorkle

And Introducing:

--Ward Robespierre, Warble’s Image Consultant and Right-Hand Man

--Jacques LaRue, Warble’s Personal Fitness Trainer

--Marianne Trieste-Trench, Warble’s Security Expert

--Mullah Gitani, Warble’s Indian Chief, Cook, and Bottle Washer

--Comfy Stolen, Arodnap Salesman

--Albert Joad, Arodnap mechanic

--and last but not least (A drum roll would be appropriate here), Albert’s pet pooch, the Labrador Retriever Puppy/Dog “Taterskin”

CAUTION!!!

If you are allergic to irony, irritated by irreverence, intolerant of sarcasm, unappreciative of puns, averse to alliteration, Suffer Sadly When Subjected To Silliness, hate hyperbole with a purple passion, or underestimate the power of meiosis, DO NOT under any circumstances Read This Book!!!

⇨Contains no Profanity!

⇨Contains Megadoses of Hilarity and Hysteria!

PREFACE

You may not be familiar with Warble McGorkle, unless you’ve read a book called “the Wacky Misadventures of Warble McGorkle” by a certain Blackbird Crow Raven, who I think is some sort of mysterious recluse or other type of lunatic (okay, you probably figured it out anyway—I’m actually him).

If you are unfamiliar with this book’s protagonist, it will help you to understand this tale if you first know at least a few things about him. For example, you should know that Warble McGorkle started out as a megalomaniacal, paranoid “lower tax bracket” type of person and then became a megalomaniacal, paranoid filthy rich (no taxes at all via myriads of loopholes discovered by fancy-pants lawyers) person by means of several silly but serendipitously ‘successful’ schemes.

Since you probably want to get filthy rich, too, you might want to know just how Warble did it. Without further ado he, among other things:

1. Started a new musical genre when he formed a polka punk band.

2. Created a no prison bars-barred reality TV show called “Bad Boys Behind Barz” (which was filmed in federal penitentiaries).

3. Re-invented himself as a swankily-outfitted superhero, namely “The Color-Blind Chameleon.”

4. Founded a Biotech concern that altered people’s personalities by means of custom-manufactured “designer” pills.

At the end of his so-called “Wacky Misadventures,” Warble resigned his post as President of the United States (a job he was able to finagle his way into after learning “the ropes” of dirty politics as Governor of Wisconsin under the tutelage of crafty old Whortleberry Dane) and returned to private life.

Not one to lay in a hammock or play golf all day, though, in the mean time Warble has increased his personal fortune through connections he made during his tenure in public office.

It may interest you to find out just how Warble increased his already substantial real estate holdings, stock portfolios, and enormous bank accounts (but do not try this at home, folks).

First, Warble contracted with the United States government to eradicate all spam.

While the government intended to have unwanted emails--which were wasting everyone’s time and killing the GDP--nipped in the bud (or “nipped in the butt” as Warble puts it), Warble had the pressed meat in mind. To kill the market for Spam(™), Warble sent everyone in the country an email containing a rumor that SPAM is an acronym for the ingredients used in the substitute ham. In the mass email he disseminated, Warble claimed that these ingredients were:

Spinach

Possums (called Opossums by librarians, wildlife biologists and other snobs)

Arsenic

-and

Marshmallows.

Thus, Spam(™) was ruined and went bankrupt.

Naturally, the government brought suit against Warble in an attempt to avoid paying him the exorbitant fee he had successfully negotiated (3.14 billion dollars), but Warble came off victorious in the resulting court case. After all, to be technical (which lawyers tend to be), Warble did rid the country of Spam (the ham replacement), and the contract did not explicitly specify that unwanted email was the type of spam that was meant.

Following his victorious day in court, Warble emailed everyone in the country with news of his glorious and splendiferous vindication in the proverbial Halls of Justice. He also let them know that it was now safe, after all, to eat Spam(™)--which, in actuality, contains no spinach, possums, arsenic, or marshmallows, but rather CPSMSWSSN (Chopped Pork Shoulder Meat, Sugar, Water, Salt, and Sodium Nitrite).

Our “hero” (anti-hero, more like) made a few million more by writing a best-selling diet book, wherein he guaranteed that anyone who followed his eating regimen would lose a minimum of 25 pounds or 10% of their body weight (which ever was the smaller net amount, a qualification that was printed in an exceedingly tiny font size). The guarantee was null and void, though, if the dieters failed to keep secret the details of the diet.

The crux of “Warble’s Incredible Shrinking Wonder Diet” was that the dieter enumerated his ten least favorite foods, and these then became the only foods he was allowed to eat. For those who didn’t want to read his book (or didn't know how to read, for example many well-cushioned members of Congress), Warble also set up a consulting practice, wherein he (not personally, but represented by smooth-talking, glad-handing, back-slapping, bright-smiling salesmen) dispensed the same advice contained in his book at a cost of $314 for a fifteen-minute session. The salesmen were mostly former talkshow hosts and wannabe actors, who had been sworn to secrecy. Warble paid them $3.14 an hour for their services.

Perceiving an unfilled need in the pharmaceutical market, Warble also realized a nice hefty profit on a drug he engineered. Recognizing that most of today’s world travelers are old hippies who converted to crass commercialism and capitalism once their parent’s money had run out--and are either traveling on business or spending their hard-earned dough on exotic vacations in the far-flung corners of the world eco-touring and otherwise soothing and pampering their tortured souls--Warble designed and marketed a new medication to prevent air sickness called “Om.” Warble named it Om because it is a “transcontinental medication.” As Warble foresaw that it would be, Om was a big hit with the jetset, jet lag crowd.

So then, to make a long tedious story somewhat concise: After making oodles of money in the music, television, and pharmaceutical businesses, as well as the post-presidential Spam scam, Warble doesn’t have any real need to earn cash--and it is hard to get motivated to make money when you have all you could conceivably need, want, or even dream of, especially when it’s just you and your wife to support.

With no kids to whom to leave the estate, no political affiliations to support (since serving as President, Warble has lost all respect for politicians), no religious mendicants on the dole, no feelings of great responsibility towards Alma Maters (Warble was a high-school dropout, thinking he already knew everything all the teachers (combined) knew), there is just no incentive to amass any more money or material goods. “Altruism” now drives Warble—or so he thinks, or at least claims. But old (predatory) habits die hard, as we will see.

Note: A word to the wise and all others who have read this far: When Warble speaks, what he says and what his listeners hear (i.e., the illocutionary as opposed to the perlocutionary) are not always—or even all that often--the same thing. To make clear Warble’s thought process, his words are spelled according to what he is thinking, not what is perceived by others, and certainly not always according to what is correct from an orthographical perspective.

For those still in the dark, a couple of examples should suffice:

1. When Warble tries to say “no buts about it,” he actually says, “no butts about it” because he thinks a person’s fundament (or “derrière” as the French put it) is being referenced in that saying.

2. Also, when Warble says “by the way,” it is written herein “buy the whey,” as our anti-hero considers the expression to have its roots in the children’s poem about Little Miss Muffet sitting on her tuffet (which last word Warble thinks is a medieval euphemism for a person’s keister (derrière (fundament)).

So...do not think the editor was incompetent, inattentive, drunk or otherwise shirking his duty when you see “anomalies” in Warble’s speech.

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“the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” will be serialized in this space each Friday; it is also available in its entirety from here

You can listen to this introductory excerpt here:

Blackbird Crow Raven is also the author of “the Wacky Misadventures of Warble McGorkle”