Serialization of the WACKY MISADVENTURES of WARBLE McGORKLE - CHAPTER 14 (of 70)
Warble Explains Everything Mary Didn’t Want to Know About Eye Black
CHAPTER 14
Warble Explains Everything Mary Didn’t Want to Know About Eye Black
Mary looks at her husband dubiously. She really couldn't care less about Baton Rouge and its supposed cultural significance, but she knows the inevitable is coming: an in-depth lecture from her husband about the whole shebang.
“Mary, imagine our country without sports--no football, no baseball, no basketball. You can't, can you?”
“Well,” Mary begins to respond, but Warble did not really mean the question in anything but a rhetorical way, and proceeds: “Without sports, this country would be nothing. Without a drive and a fervor to win, how could we have won World Wars I and II? We wouldn't even have had a concept of what winning means. So, to make a long story less long, the free world can thank sports for saving their culture, their institutions--their very lives, even.”
“That's all very logical,” Mary says sarcastically.
“Well, it's pretty obvious when you think about it, isn't it?” Warble continues. “Anyway, I said that to say this: Sports would not have been possible without eye black.”
Warble pauses dramatically to let his 'bombshell' sink in. He looks at Mary expectantly. After a few seconds of bewildered attempts to make sense of what he's trying to tell her, Mary finally gives up. "I. Black? Who was I.Black?"
“Who? Who? Who was eye black?” Warble replies, practically beside himself in disbelief at his wife's ignorance.
“Nice owl imitation, Colonel. Now who was he?” Mary demands, irritated.
“He? He? He?!” Warble repeats, still incredulous.
“That's the most monotonic laugh I've ever heard, Colonel. It makes Marlon Brando sound like Andy Griffith in 'Face in the Crowd'.”
“Merle and who?” Warble asks, total consternation written all over his face.
“All right, then: it makes Pat Paulsen sound like Charro.”
Warble frowns at his wife and shakes his head. “Hardy har har--very funny. Now, I feel it is my duty to inform you that eye black is not a man, nor any gender of human, for that matter.”
“What is it then?” Mary is now, in spite of herself, genuinely a little curious.
“Eye black is that charcoal-like stuff that athletes put under their eyes to keep opposing players from looking into their eyes and seeing which direction they’re going to run.”
“That's what it's for?”
“Sure; what else? When you look at someone, and they are wearing that stuff, that's what your eye gravitates towards--you focus on the eye black. Then, you are distracted and by the time you think to look in their eyes to see where they're looking so you can guess where they're going, they're already gone--they're there already.”
It's all too much for Mary. She expels a sigh of exasperation and tries to change the subject in her mind, but her focus keeps homing back in on Warble's explanation about eye black.
“All right, I'll bite: What does all that have to do with Baton Rouge?”
“Elementary, my dear spouse; what is America's sport?”
“Soccer,” Mary answers, in the mood to beat Warble at his own game.
“Soccer! Are you bonkers? Soccer...”
“...is the most popular sport all over Central and South America,” Mary finishes the sentence, with a sweet lilt to her voice, batting her eyelashes.
“Miss Mary,” Warble explains, exasperated but trying to remain calm and sound patient. “When I say 'America,' I'm talking about the United States of America.”
“Ohhhh…” Mary says, knowing, of course, what Warble had meant all along, but enjoying her technical victory.
“Now Miss Mary, answer me this: What is the sport of these hyar U-nited States of America?”
“Football.”
“Football? Come on, now, Miss Mary, get serious. When you think of the USA and its signature sport; when you think of the rest of the world thinking about the USA and its number one sport, what sport comes to mind?”
“Football. Football is more popular than baseball,” Mary explains, knowing what Warble wants her to say, but, being in a cantankerous mood, refusing to say it.
“Maybe more people swim in football pools than baseball pools,” Warble grudgingly admits, “but that doesn't prove football is really more popular. Star Trek and Love Boat are no longer on TV, but the news is. Does that make the news more popular than those two classic shows?”
Before Mary can answer, Warble pushes his argument forward another step:
“What sport is called 'America's Pastime'? Everyone's heard of Abner Tripleday and Baby Ruth, but nobody has ever heard of Brett Favre or O.J. Simpson--case closed!”
“Have it your way, Colonel.”
“Thank you, Miss Mary, but I'm not hungry yet. Right now, you need to find out about America, baseball, eye black, Baton Rouge, and how they are all interconnected.”
“Lay it on me, Colonel,” Mary says, sarcastically feigning a sitting-on-the-edge-of-her-seat level of anticipation.
“Although eye black is used in both baseball and football,” Warble explains, “its use in baseball reaches further back into antiquity and is more important in a cultural context, due to the aforementioned reasons. This city, through which we are passing at this very moment in time, is where eye black was invented--following which, the name of the town was changed from Maybelline to Baton Rouge. And the name change is proof positive that baseball is America's sport, not football.”
“How so?” Mary asks.
“Well, you'll notice that the city wasn't named Puntin' Rouge, Passin' Rouge, Kickin' Rouge, Blockin' Rouge, Tacklin' Rouge, Defensive Coordinatorin' Rouge, or any other Whateverin' Rouge.
“You see, my dear, this city was named for our national pastime: Battin' Rouge--battin' rouge is rouge for batters. In other words, it's makeup for baseball players--eye black, to be specific.”
“Then why is the name of the city spelled B, a, t, o, n instead of B, a, t, t, i, n, apostrophe?” Mary asks; she thinks she has Warble dead to rights.
“Miss Mary, everyone knows that people from Looz-e-anna are very...let's say, casual about spelling. Who has time to learn how to spell with all the cotton to be picked, crawdads to be caught, alligators to be wrestled, accordians to be squeezed, banjos to be picked, plucked, strummed, and otherwise manhandled in the kitchen with Dinah while grinning to beat the band, and fiddles to be sawed and scraped?” Warble reasons.
“Perhaps it's not a misspelling at all,” Mary suggests. “Perhaps eye black was originally used by the girls in the marching bands who twirl and toss batons.”
“Yeah, right, Miss Mary,” Warble guffaws. “What a preposterous hypothesis! Why would they need to intimidate an opponent? Have you ever seen a baton twirler wearing eye black? After all,” he concludes his argument, “the Baton Toss/Twirl is not an Olympic event, so no hopeful representative is likely to assault another to get a leg up on her competition. Women are just not competitive. That's why they don't run countries and start wars and wear eye black.”
~^@^~~^@^~~^@^~~^@^~~^@^~~^@^~
You can listen to this chapter here:
the Wacky Misadventures of Warble McGorkle is being serialized daily here on substack during the summer of 2021 (late June to early September).
NOTE: The second volume in the trilogy is the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle; the final volume, now available on Kindle Vella) is
Warble McGorkle’s Delusional Visions of Paradise.
the Wacky Misadventures of Warble McGorkle can be purchased here: