Serialization of the WACKY MISADVENTURES of WARBLE McGORKLE - CHAPTER 1 (of 70)
Warble Sees Conspiracies in Everything
CHAPTER 1
Warble Sees Conspiracies in Everything
“This purports to be a muffin,” Warble says, as he trains his video camera at the object on his plate. “You know, these fancy-schmanzy, high-toned restaurants have been known to trick people by reverse-engineering all types of foods and then introducing them in 'stealth' varieties, decked out to look like something else altogether. Take this so-called muffin, for instance. How do we know it's not really a bagel? Or a donut? Or even a filet mignon?”
Warble's wife Mary looks at him wearily, slowly and ever so slightly shaking her head from side to side. It isn't palsy that causes this rocking of her cranium--it is a mixture of exasperation and resignation that Warble, even on this special occasion at this gourmet restaurant attached to Bayfield, Wisconsin's renowned Rittenhouse Inn, won't let up on his wild theorizing.
Warble sees conspiracies in everything: from the birds flying south in the winter to the Yankees winning the World Series. Warble claims the migration of the winged creatures to the south causes the worm population in the areas they had abandoned to multiply exponentially, which eventually leads to worms eating all the vegetation in the north, which leads (naturally) to the inhabitants of the northland pulling up stakes and moving south--with a decided 'Yankee-ization' of southern culture, which, for some reason known only to Warble--is a plot perpetrated by the federal government.
As for the Yankees winning the World Series, Warble feels that the feds consider it better for America in the long run that baseball be displaced by football in the hearts and minds of sports fans. For that reason, government infiltrators--agent provocateurs--have not only been busy 'on the inside' manipulating both sides to provoke labor disagreements--resulting in strikes and lockouts--but also in ensuring that the Yankees (meaning not just the New York Yankees, but all "northern" teams) win an inordinate number of the World Series matchups. This sameness leads to boredom, resulting in fan abandonment of baseball for a less predictable sport, football. And becoming football fans leads to the agressivization, as Warble puts it, of the American male (which is, he claims, precisely the intention of the Washington crowd).
Warble continues with his diatribe: “Yes, I think they pulled the old bait- and-switch on me, Mary. This 'muffin,' as they would have us think it is, is in actuality no doubt a filet mignon that has been prepared so as to resemble a muffin in contour and aroma. Indubitably it has been cooked rare, in the hopes that I will contract some disease from the uncooked meat and die a horrible, agonizing death. Then, they can steal into our room while you're away attending to the funeral arrangements and steal all my stuff.
“Once they abscond with all of our worldly goods, they will search through them until they find my notes, and then--having the wherewithal and connections needed to bring all my ideas to fruition--will amass a fortune so huge they will be able to afford to feed everyone here in Bayfield every day of the year, every year, from here into eternity, free of charge.
“And they would do it, too! Not out of the goodness of their hearts, oh no!--but for the PR value! What a coup! It is a rather ingenious idea; I must give them that, at least. While robbing valiant men like me of their treasures -- the blood-sweat-and-tears-won ideas wrested from the writhing depths of their tortured souls--they put on a pretense of being philanthropic, and no judge or jury in the land would ever find them guilty of anything.”
Mary defiantly picks up her muffin and bites into it. Warble records this 'foolish and daring act' through the video camera lens. Without taking his eye from the viewfinder, he continues to provide commentary on the gastronomic scene he is recording.
“It tastes like a muffin to me,” Mary says, gazing directly into the camera with a challenging and even downright surly expression. She gives the camera a swift slap. “Would you put that thing down, Warble? You're causing a scene.”
It is true that several of the other guests are absorbed in the goings-on at the McGorkle table. Some are attempting to appear oblivious to Warble's ramblings but are, nevertheless, watching the McGorkles out of the corners of their eyes and whispering to each other while furtively gesturing toward the man who is videotaping his breakfast. Others are openly gawking. A man breakfasting alone has completely forgotten his food and has turned his chair to face the action. He is grinning broadly, seemingly lost in reverie.
“Well, of course--yours really is a muffin--it's me they have a motive to kill, remember, not you,” Warble says to Mary as he raises the video camera above his plate. “And do you see that so-called glass of water there? That, indubitably, is a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon--but not just your ordinary, garden-variety Cabernet. Oh, no! It is the same exact variety of varietal served to the political dissenters in Spain that induces them to lose their sanity and commit suicide by running out into the paths of raging bulls.
“If I drink that 'water' and commit hara-kiri, my enemies are saved the trouble of eliminating me themselves. And when the police come to investigate our room, these rapscallions will easily bribe the 'peace' officers with a lifetime supply of jelly-filled donuts to snatch away the meticulous and detailed notes I have taken for all of my upcoming wonderful and ingenious inventions.”
Mary thrusts out her hand, as a frog does its tongue to capture a fly, making a grab for Warble's muffin. She wants to take a bite of it to prove once and for all that it is just a normal, everyday, run-of-the-mill muffin and put an end to all this tomfoolery. Warble is too quick for her, though--he grabs the tips of her fingers just as she is about to retract the baked good to her mouth.
Mary then tries to grab the muffin with her other hand, but Warble encompasses the whole thing with his hand and crushes it (the muffin, not her hand). Mary angrily yanks her hand loose and, in so doing, the crumbled-to-smithereens muffin flies in what seems like millions of tiny globules all over the Rittenhouse Inn's ornate carpet.
At this turn of events, the solitary breakfaster guffaws, and the other onlookers gasp. As the server, unable to ignore the untoward proceedings any longer, approaches, Warble turns and addresses him in all gravity: “My good man,” he says in his best stuffy British accent (not to be confused with the rough-and-tumble cockney accent preferred by coal miners and the like), “my wife seems to be quite fond of your muffins. Would you kindly bring her another one of her kind of muffins?” When Warble says 'her,' he arches an eyebrow to further emphasize the implication.
The server opts to ignore the provocation and simply responds, “Certainly, sir. And which type do you prefer, ma'am,” he continues, turning to Mary, “the apple cranberry or the banana nut?”
Mary buries her head in her hands, but spreads her fingers just far enough apart to peep through them and glares out at Warble. Without looking at the server, she replies, “The apple cranberry, please.”
As the server turns away, Warble grabs him by the arm. “Remember, one of her types of muffin, not one of my muffins.” Again, the arched eyebrow. The server assures Warble that he knows exactly what to do.
Warble returns again to his theme. “Places like this are always pulling shenanigans on people like me. An innocent-looking muffin becomes a death-dealing slab of putrefied meat. A glass of pure, wholesome, unadulterated H²O gets swapped out with a potion of poisoned fruit-of-the-vine.”
An idea--a brainstorm, he would term it--occurs to Warble. He leans and whispers into his wife's ear, “If I can record a testimony that this food and drink is untainted, we will have them cornered, my dear.” He is about to continue explaining his plan when he notices the server approaching their table, and holds his tongue (not literally—he just stops whispering).
Warble quickly straightens up and fixes the server in the camera's viewfinder. In a tone of warning Warble asks him: “Will you swear on a stack of pancakes that this,” he points down with his free hand to the second, unmolested, muffin on his plate, “is in reality a muffin, and nothing but a muffin, so help you God?”
The server is at a loss as to how to respond to this bizarre interrogation. He looks around to locate the restaurant manager, hoping he will notice his awkward predicament and come to his aid.
The manager is observing the unusual goings-on from around the corner. When the server and manager establish eye contact, though, the manager just shrugs, as if to say, 'You deal with it. It'll be good practice for you.'
~^@^~~^@^~~^@^~~^@^~~^@^~~^@^~
You can listen to this chapter here:
This first volume of the Warble McGorkle trilogy, the Wacky Misadventures of Warble McGorkle, is being serialized here on substack during the summer of 2021 – from late June to early September.
NOTE: The second volume is the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle; the third volume (currently in progress, with episodes available on Vella) is Warble McGorkle’s Delusional Visions of Paradise.
This is the first (“Wacky Misadventures”) volume’s synopsis:
'the Wacky Misadventures of Warble McGorkle' is a picaresque satire that traces its literary lineage back to 'Don Quixote', 'Huckleberry Finn', and 'A Confederacy of Dunces'. Through the protagonist's zany antics, it pokes fun at the 'get rich quick' and 'get rich by any means possible' philosophies prevalent in today's society.
Warble McGorkle, the protagonist, considers himself a genius. In reality, he is a jumble-headed, paranoid megalomaniac. My novel is the (somewhat darkly) humorous account of his meteoric rise from drifter to President of the United States. Warble and his wife Mary crisscross the U.S.A. at breakneck speed, as Warble endeavors to stay one step ahead of pursuers (most of them imaginary). Everywhere he and Mary go, Warble concocts a cockamamie scheme to get fabulously rich and to propel himself to the pinnacle of society, where his fame--so he reasons, anyway--will make him safe from the forces supposedly arrayed against him.
Among several other ventures, Warble: Forms a polka punk band in St. Augustine, Florida; Creates a reality-TV show named 'Bad Boyz Behind Barz', which makes use of webcams in federal penitentiaries; Markets himself as a super-hero, 'The Color-Blind Chameleon', using his manufactured fame to land lucrative endorsement contracts; and founds a biotech firm that produces and sells a pill which transforms the pill ingester's personality.
Finally, after serving a term as governor of the state of Wisconsin, Warble, along with his wife Mary as his Vice Presidential running mate, is elected President of the United States
the Wacky Misadventures of Warble McGorkle can be purchased here:
Paperback
Kindle