Serialization of the WACKY MISADVENTURES of WARBLE McGORKLE - CHAPTER 3 (of 70)
Warble Thinks “Mary” Is An Impersonator
CHAPTER 3
Warble Thinks “Mary” Is An Impostor
After the short stroll to the wharf, Warble and Mary are about to board the ferry that will take them across Lake Superior to Madeline Island.
Walking on the pier, deep in thought, Warble all of a sudden stops dead in his tracks, as if his shoes have been superglued to the wharf. He allows Mary to continue walking until he thinks she is out of earshot. He then switches the video camera back on, and pans the horizon. He records boats; quaint homes perched on the hillsides above town, punctuated now and then by the odd mansion here or there; the massive lake; and the islands visible from the dock.
In a subdued voice, Warble begins narrating the scene: “Mary has been shanghaied and placed on a slave ship bound for some sweat shop somewhere in the interior of China, that vast and inscrutable country, where she will work seventeen hours a day, seven days a week, for the approximate equivalent of around twelve and-a-half cents per hour. Of course, they will deduct 'room and board' from her paltry wages, and she will end up with absolutely nothing for her toil and trouble. She will 'owe her soul to the company store,' as the old Kentucky Bert Chevy song says.
“Her only form of respite and recreation, her only escape from the tedium, will be the odd cricket fight. Actually, I could refer to them as the odd odd cricket fight, because they will not only be 'odd' as in occurring only occasionally here-and-there, but also 'odd' as in strange.
“If one or more of the participating crickets is him- or herself odd, to boot, one could even term these contests an odd odd odd cricket fight.
“And if three crickets were involved, instead of the customary two--for example if the fight promoters were to pit the LeBron James of crickets against a pair more closely resembling that Indian guy Stephen Curry and the old jar heir Steve Kerr--they could call it the odd odd odd odd cricket fight, as an odd number (three) of crickets would be involved in the feat of strength, endurance, cunning and all that rot. That would be really odd.
“But enough of that. So who is this walking ahead of me, you ask? It is either a robot, built to look somewhat like Mary (after all, they didn't do that good a job; it doesn't look exactly like her), or an actress working on a pro bono basis. Once they get my stash of ideas, they will cash in and live like royalty for the rest of their born days.”
Warble squints at 'Mary,' trying to ascertain who it really is, exactly, that is masquerading as his wife. Somewhat to his consternation, she has been able to hear his running commentary, and confronts him about it.
“Don't give me that malarkey,” Warble replies as she protests against his suppositions. “Those robot-makers or makeup-artists will have to get up a little earlier in the morning than what they did to get the better of me.
“You,” he jabs his index finger at her, “aren't Mary, and you know it. You resemble Mary to a certain extent, but a half-crazed, blind-in-one-eye duckbilled platypus would know you're not really her.”
Warble cocks his head, squints at Mary, and says, “I think you're either Meryl Streep, wearing makeup, or Helen Hunt without.”
“Oh, Warble,” Mary sighs, exasperated.
“Aha! I've got you now, you wannabe-silver-tongued-devilette! Mary never calls me 'Warble'. She calls me 'sugar pie honey bunch,'” Warble retorts.
“I do not!” Mary replies incredulously.
Warble glares at her, and then frowns, shrugging his shoulders. “All right, she doesn't. Apparently they briefed you well. I was trying to trap you, and I must admit that this time I failed.
“But I will find a way, this I promise you, Ms. Streep or Hunt or whatever your name is,” Warble threatens, wagging his finger in her face. “I will secure my belongings, you will have gone to all this trouble for nothing, and I will recapture and reclaim my rightful spouse from the clutches of your diabolical organization.”
Mary spins around and stalks up the plank and on to the ferry. Warble follows at a distance, keeping a suspicious eye on her every move.
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You can listen to this chapter here:
the Wacky Misadventures of Warble McGorkle is being serialized daily here on substack during the summer of 2021 (late June to early September). This is the book’s synopsis:
NOTE: The second volume is the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle; the third volume (currently in progress, with episodes available on Vella)
is Warble McGorkle’s Delusional Visions of Paradise.
This is the synopsis of the first volume:
the Wacky Misadventures of Warble McGorkle is being serialized here on substack during summer 2021 – from late June to early September. This is the book’s synopsis:
'the Wacky Misadventures of Warble McGorkle' is a picaresque satire that traces its literary lineage back to 'Don Quixote', 'Huckleberry Finn', and 'A Confederacy of Dunces'. Through the protagonist's zany antics, it pokes fun at the 'get rich quick' and 'get rich by any means possible' philosophies prevalent in today's society.
Warble McGorkle, the protagonist, considers himself a genius. In reality, he is a jumble-headed, paranoid megalomaniac. My novel is the (somewhat darkly) humorous account of his meteoric rise from drifter to President of the United States. Warble and his wife Mary crisscross the U.S.A. at breakneck speed, as Warble endeavors to stay one step ahead of pursuers (most of them imaginary). Everywhere he and Mary go, Warble concocts a cockamamie scheme to get fabulously rich and to propel himself to the pinnacle of society, where his fame--so he reasons, anyway--will make him safe from the forces supposedly arrayed against him.
Among several other ventures, Warble: Forms a polka punk band in St. Augustine, Florida; Creates a reality-TV show named 'Bad Boyz Behind Barz', which makes use of webcams in federal penitentiaries; Markets himself as a super-hero, 'The Color-Blind Chameleon', using his manufactured fame to land lucrative endorsement contracts; and founds a biotech firm that produces and sells a pill which transforms the pill ingester's personality.
Finally, after serving a term as governor of the state of Wisconsin, Warble, along with his wife Mary as his Vice Presidential running mate, is elected President of the United States
the Wacky Misadventures of Warble McGorkle can be purchased here: