Serialization of the WACKY MISADVENTURES of WARBLE McGORKLE - CHAPTER 7 (of 70)
Warble Steals a Watermelon and Trips on a Skateboard
CHAPTER 7
Warble Steals a Watermelon and Trips on a Skateboard
"Beg you to stop, Warble? I beg you to stop!”
“You see? It worked,” concludes Warble. “They are quite clever. But we're not going to let them get the better of us. They want us to fork over some of our hard-earned cash, and then they'll be able to lift my fingerprints off the coins or bills I use to pay for your beloved cherries, transfer my prints to some other item, and then frame me for some heinous crime that will land me in the calaboose. You will then be forced to sell them my inventions at a cut-rate price in order to pay the attorney's fees, and then you'll be left holding the bag.”
“Of cherries? Good, that's what I want. Come on, let's go.”
“Wait a minute, Mary. I have a plan (as usual). You will get your cherries, I promise you. But they will not get my fingerprints, that I also gar-on-tee.”
“Why did you say 'guarantee' like that?”
“It's the way they say it in Looz-e-anna. Don't you ever watch public television? Anyway, this is what we're going to have to do: We're going to steal the cherries--and a watermelon, too (all this talk about the South gives me a craving for watermelon).”
“But that's dishonest, Warble!”
“No, it's not. Remember, this is a trap! They probably stole all those produce items themselves. When I'm able to get the pseudo fruit clerk to turn his head, grab a hunk of cherries and make a dash for the getaway car.”
“What, our car?”
“Do you see any other getaway cars around here, Mary?”
“No.”
“Then why did you ask? Anyway, don't worry about procuring the watermelon--I've got that covered.”
Mary looks at Warble skeptically but resignedly opens the passenger door and steps out. She knows where any argument with Warble will end--with her more confused than ever, and Warble getting his way.
Thumbs in his pants pockets, Warble ambles up to the fruit stand, trying to look as nonchalant as possible. “Howdy,” he says, addressing the clerk.
“Afternoon,” the man responds. “Anything in particular I can help you with?”
Warble engages the man in small talk for awhile and then suddenly stiffens, opens his eyes wide, raises himself to his full height (which happens to be 5'11 1/2'') and points off into the distance behind the fruit stand.
“Look! There's Elvis shaking hands with The Hunchback of Notre Dame in the pumpkin patch!” Warble yells out.
Marvin, the fruit stand attendant, squints his eyes, jerks his head back in disbelief, and stares at Warble.
But Warble continues staring and pointing, seemingly mesmerized by the goings-on in the field. Finally, Marvin is unable to resist the temptation any longer. After all, the customer may have seen something--a deer in his orchard, or…who knows what?
In the split second it takes Marvin to turn around and look, Warble scoops up the biggest and juiciest-looking watermelon and stuffs it under his shirt.
He wheels around to make his getaway, looking backwards toward Mary and urging her on. “Make haste, my dearest lover of stonefruit! Make a beeline for the chariot! Do not pass go, and do not collect any moss whatsoever!”
Mary overcomes her astonishment at Warble's audacity in stealing a watermelon in broad daylight, right under the nose of the friendly neighborhood fruit stand attendant, and takes to her heels.
In fact, Mary beats Warble to the car, because he has tripped over a skateboard some rotten teenager has left near the cranberries, falling flat on his face.
Fortunately for Warble, the pilfered melon breaks his fall. Nevertheless, the watermelon sandwich that was bookended by terra firma at the bottom and Warble's belly at the top knocks the wind out of Warble's sails as he falls with a thud and an 'oof'.
A lady named Kit with a bouffant hairdo--who is packing a pink poodle--faints when she hears the watermelon burst and sees the reddish fluid emanating (or so it seems) from Warble's midsection. She sprawls backwards--which turns out to be a serendipitous turn of events for her, as her prodigious backside breaks her fall quite nicely.
Sadly, though, it is a tragic happenstance for her poor canine (named Caboodle), who had managed to squirm out of her grasp as she began to fall but had inexplicably and perhaps inadvertently positioned himself right beneath his mistress' aforementioned derrière.
There will be no joy in that burg when Kit comes to, for there is little or no market for sailpoodles there.
As Mary hears the pop and crack of the watermelon bursting, and the rush of air being expelled from Warble's diaphragm, she whirls around. Warble is gasping for breath but nevertheless crawling towards the car as fast as he can slither--which really isn't very fast at all, and certainly not fast enough to outpace Marvin, who has overcome his consternation over the bogus Elvis sighting and is rushing headlong toward Warble, bent on detaining the produce-pilferer.
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You can listen to this chapter here:
the Wacky Misadventures of Warble McGorkle is being serialized daily here on substack during the summer of 2021 (late June to early September).
NOTE: The second volume is the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle; the third volume (currently in progress, with episodes available on Vella)
is Warble McGorkle’s Delusional Visions of Paradise.
the Wacky Misadventures of Warble McGorkle can be purchased here: