Serialization of the WACKY MISADVENTURES of WARBLE McGORKLE - CHAPTER 4 (of 70)
Wherein Mary Proves Her True Identity
CHAPTER 4
Wherein Mary Proves Her True Identity
On the ride over to the island, Warble watches Mary from the corner of his eye as he pretends to be absorbed in reading a newspaper. He has taken a seat across from her so that he can monitor her from a distance while he tries to puzzle out who she really is and whether she is an actress or an automaton.
After disembarking on Madeline Island, Warble gives Mary the slip. He wants to spy on her from a distance and see what she will do when he isn't at her side, monitoring her every move. Warble is thinking that “Mary” will probably telephone her employer, or mad scientist inventor, to report on how things are going.
After a few minutes of looking around for her husband (who is hiding behind a dumpster a hundred yards from the dock), Mary does make a beeline for a telephone booth. After she enters the number and turns her back to Warble, he emerges from his place of concealment and rapidly approaches her, speed-walking, but keeping his upper body as low to the ground as he can.
Just as she begins the telephone conversation, Mary turns halfway around and spots Warble coming toward her, arms pumping frenetically and head down to the ground. When he reaches the telephone booth, Warble looks up and sees his wife glaring down at him. Her eyes blaze as she whirls around, hangs up the phone, and flings open the phone booth door.
“Warble, will you cut out this nonsense?! You're ruining our anniversary trip!” Mary complains.
“That's where you're wrong, Meryl, Helen, C3PO-etta, or whatever your name is. Warble P. McGorkle has no time for this monkey business, and you are the one who's ruined our anniversary trip--Mary's and mine, that is.
“Now I want you to tell me what you've done with my wife! If you've hurt her in any way…” Warble threatens, wagging his finger in her face.
“This has gone far enough!” Mary interrupts. “Too far, in fact. You've really gone too far this time, Warble. Now look; I can prove to you that I am your wife.”
Warble straightens up, slowly exhales, and smirks. With an air of impending victory, he slowly folds his arms across his chest. “All right, then, prove it.”
He is certain that she--or it—will not be able to. Not in a million years.
“Think about it, Warble,” Mary says. “What is something that only you and I know--something that no impostor could possibly know?”
Warble is puzzled. He doesn't know what Mary could be driving at. Putting his hand to the side of his face, Warble taps his temple several times with his index finger, imploring himself in a hushed tone, “Think, think, think.”
What could it be that an imposter would think was only known by he and his wife, but which could actually be known by someone else? After 3.14 seconds of vigorous mental exertion, Warble gives up.
“I don't believe you know anything that could prove to me that you are the real Mary,” Warble says. “But I'll make a deal with you--if you can prove to me beyond the shadow of a doubt that you are my wife Mary and not Meryl Streep, Helen Hunt or some other actress--or an automaton—fine! If not, though, you must tell me where Mary is.”
“Warble, I am Mary, so I do know where she is--I mean I do know where I am.”
Warble's eyes narrow. Mary's initial reference to herself as 'she' instead of 'I' had not gone unnoticed by him.
He lets it go, though, because he thinks he has her right where he wants her now. “But if you're not Mary--which I don't think you are--then you also know where she is--or you know someone who knows. So the deal is: if you don't prove that you're Mary, you tell me where she is, or find out where she is. Deal?”
Mary agrees and they shake hands on it.
“So … lay it on me,” Warble says. “Give it your best shot: what do you supposedly know that only Mary and I would know?”
“You always put on your left sock inside-out.”
Warble is dumbfounded--which doesn't really mean that he is found to be dumb, in the sense of being utterly lacking in intelligence, but rather that he is speechless. That blessed state is, alas, only a temporary one.
“Then there's only one logical conclusion--you've been cloned!”
Mary rolls her eyes. “Warble, what would be the purpose of that? If I had been cloned--an exact replica of me had been produced, complete with every last shred of memory--how would that serve the cause of any conspirators?
The clone would act in exactly the same way as the real Mary--me.”
“You've got a point there,” Warble answers, rubbing his chin.
“Nevertheless, I refuse to wear a hat,” Mary responds, beating Warble to the punch (line).
Warble grabs Mary, pulls her close, and puts his mouth against her ear.
“Don't look now,” he whispers, “but I think we're being watched. I saw that old lady across the street looking at us.”
“What do you expect, Warble? Wouldn't you look at us if you were her?”
“There's no way of knowing that--I've never been her, and I doubt very much that I ever will be. Look, in case we get separated somehow, let's synchronize our watches.”
Warble keeps one eye on the old lady across the street, who (as he sees it) is now feigning a lack of interest in them, and with the other eye checks the time on his watch. “It is exact-act-actly 9:42 a.m. Central Time. Are you synchronized?”
Mary pretends to set her watch to “Warble time.” Hers reads 9:43, but she doesn't think a minute here or there will make any difference.
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You can listen to this chapter here:
the Wacky Misadventures of Warble McGorkle is being serialized daily here on substack during the summer of 2021 (late June to early September). This is the book’s synopsis:
NOTE: The second volume is the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle; the third volume (currently in progress, with episodes available on Vella)
is Warble McGorkle’s Delusional Visions of Paradise.
This is the synopsis of the first volume:
the Wacky Misadventures of Warble McGorkle is being serialized here on substack during summer 2021 – from late June to early September. This is the book’s synopsis:
'the Wacky Misadventures of Warble McGorkle' is a picaresque satire that traces its literary lineage back to 'Don Quixote', 'Huckleberry Finn', and 'A Confederacy of Dunces'. Through the protagonist's zany antics, it pokes fun at the 'get rich quick' and 'get rich by any means possible' philosophies prevalent in today's society.
Warble McGorkle, the protagonist, considers himself a genius. In reality, he is a jumble-headed, paranoid megalomaniac. My novel is the (somewhat darkly) humorous account of his meteoric rise from drifter to President of the United States. Warble and his wife Mary crisscross the U.S.A. at breakneck speed, as Warble endeavors to stay one step ahead of pursuers (most of them imaginary). Everywhere he and Mary go, Warble concocts a cockamamie scheme to get fabulously rich and to propel himself to the pinnacle of society, where his fame--so he reasons, anyway--will make him safe from the forces supposedly arrayed against him.
Among several other ventures, Warble: Forms a polka punk band in St. Augustine, Florida; Creates a reality-TV show named 'Bad Boyz Behind Barz', which makes use of webcams in federal penitentiaries; Markets himself as a super-hero, 'The Color-Blind Chameleon', using his manufactured fame to land lucrative endorsement contracts; and founds a biotech firm that produces and sells a pill which transforms the pill ingester's personality.
Finally, after serving a term as governor of the state of Wisconsin, Warble, along with his wife Mary as his Vice Presidential running mate, is elected President of the United States
the Wacky Misadventures of Warble McGorkle can be purchased here: