Serialization of the WACKY MISADVENTURES of WARBLE McGORKLE - CHAPTER 5 (of 70)
Warble Fears an Attempt on his Life
CHAPTER 5
Warble Fears an Attempt on His Life
“All right, then, Mary, here's what we've got to do: They're obviously after us. We've got to give them the slip, and pronto.”
“What do you mean? Who is after us?”
“Whoever it is that wants to purloin my ingenious notes. They are ruthless and desperate and will stop at nothing in order to cash in on the fame and fortune, the glory and gain, that is rightfully mine.”
Mary gives Warble a look as if she has just taken a bite of rancid Lima beans. “Warble, wouldn't they just buy you out if they were that interested in your ideas?”
“That's exact-act-actly what they want us to think, Mary,” Warble answers, poking his index finger into the air, “to get us off our guard. But why would they pay me the millions I would demand--which would be cheap at twice the price, nay ten thousandfold the price--when they can eliminate me and then pilfer my amazingly complex and yet simple inventions--without nearly as much monetary outlay?
“No, my dear, mark my words and heed my admonition: their intentions toward us are not at all honorable--they mean to kill us (and that is mean)!”
“Warble,” Mary warily asks, “what are you planning to do?” She knows it will be something unpleasant, or at least unsettling, unnerving, and inconvenient.
“They expect us to stay here and enjoy ourselves for three more days. But we will not!”
“Enjoy ourselves?”
“Stay here,” Warble answers, dismissing her barb with an impatient wave of the hand. “It's a trap. They expect to be able to keep their eyes on us here, or back home in Oconomowoc. We will have to go into hiding.”
“Oh, Warble, do we have to?” Mary whines, exasperated. Her begonias will die if she leaves them unattended.
“Yes, I'm afraid so, my dear--it's a matter of life and death.”
“Are you sure? What if all they want to do is just beat you to a pulp, within an inch or so of your life? Maybe we could stay.” Mary is distraught enough that she almost means it.
“Impossible, my dear. If such were the case, fine--but I know this sort, and they will stop at nothing. This beating-to-a-pulp-within-an-inch-or-so-of-life business is too tame for them. They want closure. Every time. They're closure-fanatics, I tell you!”
“But how do you know, Warble?” Mary pleads. “How do you know that they're out to get you and your cr--, your ideas?”
Warble gently grabs his wife's shoulders and peers deeply into her eyes.
“Mary, have you ever known me to be wrong?” he challenges.
Mary doesn't know where to begin. There have been so many times, she thinks. She also knows it is best to be a little circumspect and not be overhasty in providing an example. “Well,” she says, and then hesitates, pretending to be having a difficult time remembering a specific instance, “What about the time you thought that golf was a Scottish plot for world domination?”
Note: For the edification of the reader, Mary is referring to the following article, which Warble had written for the local newspaper:
<><><><><> T h e OCONOMOWOC N e w s S e r v i c e <><><><><>
Edition : 7209 Wednesday 25-July-2001 Circulation : 157,122
BREAKING STORY: [Warble McGorkle, Oconomowoc Correspondent]
======================= [Oconomowoc, WI, USA ]
GLASGOW HERALD 24 July
KING ADMITS GOLF HOAX
In an announcement that has stunned the world, Angus MacAtak, King of Scotland, admitted that golf is an elaborate hoax that his country originated in order to achieve world domination--a hoax that has been kept alive for hundreds of years.
Speaking at a recent meeting of the UN, MacAtak revealed the following:
"Four scores of four years ago (or so), our forefathers plotted eventual world domination through the dissemination of the activity which some in error refer to as a sport. Golf was invented in order to gradually bring into subjugation all other nations of the earth. Our intrigue has been very successful. Formerly productive farmland has been replaced by golf courses in community after community, water needed for basic necessities has been squandered in keeping these courses green, and the courses themselves present dangers to livestock in the event people were to try to reverse the diabolical trend and turn the golf courses back into grazing land. This danger is caused by the holes, which are strategically placed as "booby traps" for the unsuspecting animals, most especially bovines and such.
Unaware of the presence of these holes, which resemble those inhabited by prairie dogs, said livestock step into them and break their legs, which results in their untimely demise. The ultimate result is that the food supply of golfing nations is disrupted, and its peoples suffer hardship, malnutrition, and even starvation. Engaging in golf instead of more traditional sports such as football, basketball, baseball, tennis, and even dodge ball has also led to the gradual disintegration of the general health of entire populations throughout the earth.
Moreover," added the King with a grin, "it is not a coincidence that the word golf is 'flog' spelled backwards."
"Our stratagem has actually been too successful," the King lamented. "It has gone far enough--the world's supplies of rye are now being affected. To think that modern 'sophisticated' peoples would flock to such an activity in ever-increasing numbers is almost inconceivable, anyway. The fault is not completely ours--the subscribed clothing alone should have been enough to make it clear to anyone with half a brain that the whole matter was a joke. Doesn't anybody pay attention to what people in Scotland themselves do? Nobody in Scotland ever played golf.
Nevertheless, we feel really guilty about the chaos, confusion and truly ugly clothing styles that have resulted from our misguided megalomaniacal deeds of so long ago."
Major golfers and vendors, including Tiger Woods, Arnold Palmer, Lee Trevino, Titleist, Wilson and Spalding have refused comment at this time. Your humble correspondent stated that he had suspected this for a number of years and will bravely continue to expose other tricks foisted on a gullible public.
In a related late-breaking story, usually reliable sources are stating that a similar confession may be forthcoming from Mia Hamm and Pele concerning soccer.
And Hackysack spokesmen have begun denying that their product is an internal prank gone awry.
Now that this information has come to light, American author Mark Twain has been vindicated. Twain was one of the very few to see through Scotland's stratagem, noting perceptibly that "golf is a good walk...ruined."
{GLASGOW HERALD 24 July}
{contributed by Warble McGorkle}
“Mary, Mary,” Warble says with a tone of exasperation, “haven't we discussed this before to your complete and utter satisfaction? As I told you, my theory has never been disproved!”
“But Warble, it isn't true!”
“And how do you know that it isn't? Can you prove it? No! And why can't you prove it? Because it is true.”
“Warble honey, can you prove that it is true?” Mary asks, as tactfully as possible.
“What?” Warble asks incredulously. “Why are you trying to twist things around, Mary? It was you who accused me of being wrong--the burden of proof is on you, the accuser. I don't have to prove a thing. The nerve! To accuse me of being wrong and then demand proof that I am right. Ha! I'm not falling for that old barrister's trick!”
Mary sees that it is senseless to continue the struggle. “All right, then, Warble, what do you propose we do?”
“As I said, Mary, we must go into seclusion. We need to lay low for awhile--until the dust settles, anyway.”
'Goodbye begonias, hello road trip,' Mary tells herself. 'Life with Warble is seldom boring, but sometimes I wonder if I should have married Mike Rocosm, the slap-happy vacuum cleaner salesman--at least I could tend my begonias and not have to go traipsing all over creation, fleeing from who-knows-who who-knows-why.'
“So what's your plan, Warble? What have you got up your sleeve?”
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You can listen to this chapter here:
the Wacky Misadventures of Warble McGorkle is being serialized daily here on substack during the summer of 2021 (late June to early September). This is the book’s synopsis:
NOTE: The second volume is the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle; the third volume (currently in progress, with episodes available on Vella)
is Warble McGorkle’s Delusional Visions of Paradise.
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