Serialization of the WACKY MISADVENTURES of WARBLE McGORKLE - CHAPTER 17 (of 70)
Warble As Robin Hood Lite
CHAPTER 17
Warble as Robin Hood Lite
When Warble wakes up in the morning, he stumbles into the kitchen to see if he can track down some coffee. Bob has already left for the day. A note on the kitchen counter says that he and Mary should make themselves at home and that he'll be back sometime that night--he doesn't know exactly when, but they'll figure out something for dinner when he does get back. If they don't want to wait for him, they can help themselves to anything in the fridge.
After opening every cupboard but one, Warble finds the coffee. In a few minutes, he's sitting at the table, sipping java and reading the Dayton Daily News. By the time he's through with the paper and awake enough to start feeling restless, Warble hears Mary stirring. He pours himself another cup of coffee and waits for his wife to join him.
After Mary eats a little, and has a glass of orange juice (she doesn’t drink coffee), she says that if they're going to stay another day with Bob, they'll need to do some shopping. Warble hates grocery shopping, but even shopping is better than sitting around an empty house with nothing to do. So, the McGorkles arrive at the mall a few blocks from Bob's house just as it opens for the day.
As Mary picks up shampoo and hairspray and other such things, Warble wanders around the mall, from store to store, trying to find something that will catch his eye. He has no interest in approximately 94.2% of the items for sale at the mall: Knick-knacks; clothes; books about how to lose weight and get out of debt; stuffed animals; cookies.
Warble is a little hungry, but not for something sweet--not at the moment, anyway. He wants something that will stick to his ribs. He would really like to have a cheeseburger from Citizen Page--but then he would have to track down Mary, since she would be irritated with him if he ate without her. Just a little snack, something salty preferably, would tide him over for awhile.
Warble spots some vending machines and walks over to them to see if there's anything that strikes his fancy.
Candy bars. Soft drinks. Potato chips. Nuts. The nuts don't look too bad; they seem like the best thing available. Warble drops in three quarters and selects the peanuts. As he wanders around the mall, slowly eating the nuts, Warble notices the guarantee printed on the package:
If for any reason you are not completely satisfied with this International Nut product, please retain this package and contact us. We will cheerfully refund double the amount you paid for it.
Warble smiles to himself and, after emptying the rest of the contents of the package into his hand and tossing them down his gullet, flattens out the package, folds it in half, and stuffs his “find” deep into his pocket.
When Warble locates Mary, she is bordering on ecstasy over the bargain she has found at some boutique or other. Warble feigns interest and attention as Mary drones on and on about how much she has saved. It doesn't sound like such a bargain to Warble, but then again he doesn't exactly keep current with the price of things—he hasn't purchased any new clothes for himself since he was in High School.
"Mary, I've got to make some money quick to satisfy that makeup mania, that accessory addiction of yours," Warble asserts.
Mary ignores Warble's ever-so-slightly-veiled complaint. She's hungry, and doesn't want to reason with Warble, or try to reason, or argue, or discuss, or anything else you might call it. She wants to eat, and she wants to eat now.
"Let's go get an early lunch, Warble. There's a food court around the corner."
Mary orders tacos, and Warble procures for himself a couple of cheeseburgers from Citizen Page. After she has eaten enough for her mind to switch from her stomach to what Warble had said, Mary asks her husband, not a little warily, "What did you mean by 'making money quick,' Warble? What do you have up your sleeve now?"
"It's not up my sleeve, sugar pie, it's in my pocket."
"What is in your pocket?" Mary asks.
"This," Warble says, reaching deep into his pocket and proudly presenting his prize, the peanut package.
"What's this?" Mary asks, understandably confused about the significance of an empty nut wrapper.
"Read it," Warble directs.
Mary exhales, in a mixture of exasperation and slight trepidation. "Just what I always wanted to do--read the prose on a package of peanuts," Mary says sarcastically. Nevertheless, she shakes her head, rolls her eyes, and reads in a monotone, "Peanuts. International Nut Company Peanuts."
Mary does not want to read any more. She doesn't have to, as Warble is too excited and impatient to wait for Mary to get around to reading what he considers to be 'the juicy part.' He snatches the package out of her hand, and pointing to the guarantee, reads it aloud, gesturing animatedly all the while: "If for any reason you are not completely satisfied with this International Nut product, please retain this package and contact us. We will cheerfully refund double the amount you paid for it.'
“Double, Mary, double! This insanely rich company will pay me double the amount if I am not completely satisfied."
"You didn't like the peanuts, Warble?" Mary intones skeptically, cognizant that Warble is no connoisseur.
"I didn't say that, Mary; they were fine. But that's not what the guarantee says. It says that if you are not completely satisfied they will refund double the amount you paid for them."
"How much did you pay for the peanuts, Warble?" Mary asks, doubtful that Warble's scam/scheme is even worth pursuing, regardless of how unsatisfied Warble may claim to be.
"That's irrelevant, Mary. I'm not thinking peanuts, here--I mean, I am thinking about literal peanuts, of course, but I'm not thinking small amounts here."
"But Warble, you only bought one package."
"So far, Mary, so far. I'll find some place where I can buy crates and crates of this stuff--thousands of dollars worth--open one package, eat a few, decide I'm not completely satisfied--and believe me, I won't be completely satisfied until I get the double-or-nothing damages."
"Oh, Warble, you want to bilk a poor old unsuspecting nut company?"
"What's that you say there, Mary? 'Poor old unsuspecting nut company'!? Have you gone nuts? They probably pay the peanut pickers a pittance! Imagine those poor pitiful palookas out there in the blazing sun, toting that barge and lifting that bale all the live-long day, with nary a break and barely a pretty penny to show for it. I'll be a hero to those people! I'll be the Robin Hood of the goober gatherers, the Spartacus of the peanut pickers!"
"So you're going to divide the money with the workers?" Mary asks, although she knows better.
"One thing at a time, Mary, one thing at a time. I've got to rob the rich first, then we'll go from there."
"I see."
"Good; then you'll help me?"
"I didn't say that, Warble."
"Then you're going to leave me in the lurch, Mary? You expect me to work my fingers to the bone providing for you, while you just sit back and watch serial dramas while downing bucketloads of caviar and munching on artichoke hearts all day long? I'm not just a hero of the working man, I'm a martyr!"
"Yes, dear," Mary says, and shuffles off toward the car. Her shopping spree is over.
Warble catches up with her; he wants to convince her of his rightness in this affair. "Besides, Mary, this is my duty as a red-blooded American. It's my opportunity to demonstrate my Yankee ingenuity. Come to think of it, I'll also be providing a priceless service to the International Nut Company, because I'll be exposing the hole in their guarantee, which they can subsequently close (after I make my loot, that is). I'll end up saving them millions--no billions--of dollars! They should, in addition to my double refund, give me a large reward for pointing out their faulty guarantee."
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the Wacky Misadventures of Warble McGorkle is being serialized daily here on substack during the summer of 2021 (late June to early September).
NOTE: The second volume in the trilogy is the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle; the final volume, now available on Kindle Vella) is
Warble McGorkle’s Delusional Visions of Paradise.
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