Serialization of the WACKY MISADVENTURES of WARBLE McGORKLE - CHAPTER 20 (of 70)
Warble Lies, Compromises his Spirit, and is Mistaken for Paul McCartney
CHAPTER 20
Warble Lies, Compromises his Spirit, and is Mistaken for Paul McCartney
The process of obtaining a PriceBiz credit card only takes a few minutes. Warble falsifies most of the information on the application, such as race, religion, color, creed, national origin, and political party. He claims to be an African-American member of the Aryan Nations from Iceland. For 'political party,' his response is: 'If you provide door-to-door limousine service and all the booze I can drink, I'll consider gracing you with my presence at the festivities.'
The obviously painfully bored associate quickly scans Warble's application, sets it aside, and asks him to 'toe the mark' in order to have his photograph taken. Warble objects, "I don't allow people to take my photograph. I believe that if I allowed you to photograph me, you would capture my spirit--and then where would I be, spiritless--huh? Answer me that, if you can."
The bored associate, instead of being grateful for the change to her routine, no matter how minuscule or insignificant, exhales exasperatedly and pops her gum. "Look, mister, you wanna PriceBiz credit card (which is good in all 314,159 of our stores in this entire country as well as some yet to come in Canada, Mexico, Guatemala, Guam, Guiana, and East Timor), you gotta lemme take your pitcher."
"Well, in that case…" Warble replies, and places his feet directly on the outline of the shoes painted on the store's floor.
When the mug shot has been transferred to a laminated card, the associate hands it to Warble and smiles as insincerely as is humanly possible and repeats the spiel about all the stores in which the card is valid. Warble snatches the card from her hand in mid-sentence, says, "Yeah, yeah, yeah," and pushes his cart out of the store.
As the automatic door closes behind Warble, yet another associate, who had overheard Warble's last remark, rushes up and asks the customer service associate, "Was that Paul McCartney?"
The bored gum-popper glances at the application, having forgotten Warble's name already. "No," she answers. "Who's Paul McCartney?" she adds, looking at her co-worker as if she had just arrived from Venus.
I won't bore you with the details of Warble driving home, finishing his letter to the International Nut Company by filling in the number of cartons he purchased and their total price and so on, and mailing the letter.
In fact, the next few days go by in a rather humdrum fashion. Bob goes off to work, Mary establishes a routine in her temporary home, and Warble sits around all day impatiently waiting for the mail to arrive.
Each afternoon, Warble expects a letter from the International Nut Company accompanied by a check, a profuse apology for their failure to satisfy him completely, and effusive thanks for pointing out to them the error of their ways (their erroneous ways being the wording of their guarantee in such a litigiously porous manner).
Finally, the day Warble has been eagerly and anxiously awaiting arrives (and none too soon, for, like fish, after several days at his house the McGorkles have begun to stink a little in Bob Shiska's estimation). The letter arrives.
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the Wacky Misadventures of Warble McGorkle is being serialized daily here on substack during the summer of 2021 (late June to early September).
NOTE: The second volume in the trilogy is the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle; the final volume, now available on Kindle Vella) is
Warble McGorkle’s Delusional Visions of Paradise.
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