Serialization of the WACKY MISADVENTURES of WARBLE McGORKLE - CHAPTER 16 (of 70)
The McGorkles Convert Back to Wisconsinites
CHAPTER 16
The McGorkles Convert Back to Wisconsinites
“Warble, what's up?” Mary inquires. Warble doesn't even look at her. He just reaches under the seat, grabs the screwdriver, and gets out of the car.
Within a couple of minutes Warble has their old license plate back on. He tosses the Louisiana plate into the bushes. “We're cheese-heads again, Mary,” Warble says as he gets back in the car, having seemingly regained his cheerful disposition.
The McGorkles arrive in Dayton in the early evening. They take the first exit into town and pull into a gas station. While Mary fills the car, Warble walks over to the phone booth at the side of the building and calls his old friend Wayne Wax. No answer. He then tries Bob Shiska's house. Warble hears a weary voice on the other end of the line after the fourth ring.
The monotonic, bored-sounding voice makes Warble think he's listening to Bob's 'I'm not home, leave a message' recording. “Oh, great,” Warble mutters.
“What's great?” Bob answers, not recognizing Warble's voice.
“Bob, is that you?” Warble says, standing up straighter and clutching the phone more firmly.
“Yeah, it's me,” he answers. ‘Of course it's me, you buffoon,’ he thinks. ‘Who else would it be--Grandma Moses?’
Bob suppresses his vexation, though, and simply asks, “Who's this?”
“It's Warble, bud.”
“Warble? Warble McGorkle? What the heck? Where are you?”
“I'm down here at…I don't know where I am exact-act-actly, to tell you the truth. I mean, I'm here in town; I'm in Dayton.”
“No kiddin'! What're ya doin' here, you old rascal?”
“I came here to see you…and Wayne Wax,” Warble answers. He doesn't mention that he had called Wayne first. He figures that what Bob doesn't know won't hurt him.
“Ol' Wayne's prob'ly out cleanin' somebody's rug,” Bob says.
“He's in the toupee business?” Warble asks, surprised. He can't quite picture it.
“Toupee business? No, no--he's a carpet cleaner.”
“Oh, I gotcha now; OK, enough of this small talk--are you up to some company?”
Bob is tired. He was up late the night before looking at oscilloscopes and testing circuits. He's an electronics nerd, who finds things fascinating that most people would consider dull as a doorknob. Nevertheless, he's always ready for a little craziness, which, based on his merchant marine memories, are synonymous with the name Warble McGorkle. After all, the fatigue Bob is suffering from isn't so severe it can't be taken care of with a pot or two of coffee.
“Are you kiddin' me, ol' pal? You get right on over here. We'll get a pizza, and some beer, and it'll be just like ol' times.”
“You know I'm married now, Bob.”
“Yeah? Yeah, that's right--so I heard. You married Paige Turner, didn't you?”
“Uh, no. We were engaged, all right, but I actually ended up marrying her sister Mary.”
“No kidding? Mary?”
“Yes. Why? What's so surprising about that?”
“I didn't even know Paige had a sister Mary.”
“She does. I mean she did. I mean she does, yes. But I married Mary, so Mary is married now; so she (Mary, that is) changed from being my fiancé's sister to my ex-fiancé's sister when my ex-fiancé (Paige, that is) changed from being my fiancé to my ex-fiancé. Nevertheless, they're still sisters, I suppose... although Paige is probably really jealous of Mary, now, whereas it used to be the other way around.”
Warble goes on in this vein for quite awhile, but finally ends the conversation (monologue) and gets directions from Bob on how to get to his house. When the McGorkles arrive--following the obligatory introductions, small talk and exaggerated compliments--Bob orders some pizza and leaves a message on Wayne's cell phone to bring his family on over and join them as soon as he can--and to bring some beer, too, if he wouldn't mind.
Warble and Bob catch up on what's happened in each other's lives since their years working together in the merchant marines. After a few minutes of being primarily a listener to the conversation, Mary gets bored with the 'guy talk' and gravitates toward the living room and turns on the television.
Bob apologizes that he doesn't have any wine coolers in the house (Mary doesn't normally drink beer). He calls Wayne back and leaves another message, requesting that he pick up some of those, too.
Bob and Wayne grew up together in Dayton, attending the same grade school, middle school, high school, and even trade school together until they finally joined the merchant marines together on an unofficial 'buddy system.'
The two beers that Bob has in the house and the conversation are both depleted at about the same time. Warble and Bob look at each other, a little embarrassed that the conversation has subsided so quickly into awkward silences and that the tone of their conversation is a little stilted. The easy camaraderie they used to enjoy when they were in the same boat together (literally and figuratively) has faded in the intervening years. Maybe once Wayne shows up, and the trio relive a few of their glory days—embellished via the lubrication a few more beers will provide--they will loosen up.
For now, Bob suggests that they join Mary in the living room. He begins to explain to Warble all about his new stereo system, all its specifications and features, when Wayne returns Bob's call. Warble can tell, more or less, what Wayne is saying based on Bob's end of the conversation:
“Hello? …Wayne, how goes it? …You won't believe who's here at the house. … No, it's not LeBron James. …No, it's not him, either. And no, it's not her. Come on, now, get serious. …OK, enough with the guessing, I'll just tell you: it's 'Radicalia.'”
Radicalia was the nickname Bob and Wayne had given Warble in the merchant marines. Warble pretended to be engrossed in the used car commercial on TV, but in actuality was listening intently to the conversation. He hoped, of course, that Wayne would seem excited about he and Mary being in town.
“Yeah! Just now, a few minutes ago. They just arrived. … His wife, Mary. …" Bob turns his face away from the McGorkles and cups his his hand over his mouth and the phone, but they can still hear him say, "No, it's her sister, Mary. …I didn't, either…Yeah, yeah…”
Bob then resumes his prior relaxed pose, self-consciously removing his hand from over his mouth and the telephone's mouthpiece and glancing over sheepishly at Warble and Mary, hoping they hadn't been paying attention to the call.
They had, of course, but Mary pretends to ignore the whole conversation; she has a bemused expression on her face, while Warble's is non-committal.
Bob continues the conversation with Wayne in an overly loud voice:
“When can you come? Are you on your way? …All right, good. What're you talkin' about? Sure, bring the kids, whaddaya think? … All right. …Don't forget the beer.”
The phone clicks. Bob realizes he forgot to also remind Wayne about something. “Ah, dad-blast it! I forgot to remind him about the wine coolers, too,” Bob says, embarrassed at his lack of consideration for Mary. “I'll call him right back,” he says, while beginning to enter Wayne's number.
"Don't bother, Bob, please," Mary says. "It's not a big deal. If he doesn't remember, I'll have a beer--or water. Don't worry about it."
Mary was adamant enough, but Bob persists with the almost obligatory confirmation, "Are you sure?"
"I'm sure, Bob; thank you, anyway."
The Wax family shows up thirty-one minutes and twenty-four seconds later (give or take a few milliseconds). After the introductions and friendly but politely wary figurative 'circling' of one another has died down (this time the awkwardness is more between Mary and Janet, Wayne's wife), the two couples and the bachelor Bob begin to 'settle' socially as each gradually takes stock of the others and finds their relative place in the group's pecking order.
The pizza and beer help, as the men quickly revert to their old merchant marine personas. They recount old stories, exaggerated in the retelling for the benefit of the women, who the men think are listening but really are not.
The mood of the women seems to mirror that of the men, even though they, for the most part, refrain from drinking.
Wayne's business is going well, and his summary of how it began and evolved only takes a few minutes. Bob could go on forever about his electronics business/hobby, but Wayne already knows all about it, and Warble tires of it quickly, so they change the subject.
"So, Warble," Wayne ventures. "What have you been up to?" He hopes Warble is doing well enough, but not so good as to make him look bad by comparison.
"This and that," Warble mysteriously replies. Then he deflects the curiosity by joking, "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you."
The obligatory fake laughter is short-lived. The ensuing silence embarrasses Warble. After all, these are his old buddies, and they are hospitably hosting he and Mary. He owes them more than a curt brush-off. "What I can tell you, fellas, is that I've got several irons in the fire. Several big inventions and ideas. But I'm being pursued by somebody, or some organization, who wants to steal my ideas."
"Really?" Bob says, perking up. He's simultaneously curious, a little skeptical, and a bit worried as--if this is true--it could mean a little danger for himself. He is harboring Warble, after all.
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Warble McGorkle’s Delusional Visions of Paradise.
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