SERIALIZATION OF “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” – Chapter 31 of 61
Warble Shrinks Tony, Orlando, and Don, and Stuffs Them into a Coricidin Bottle
Chapter 31
Warble Shrinks Tony, Orlando, and Don, and Stuffs Them into a Coricidin Bottle
There's no need to recount the nitty gritty details of the capture of Tony, Orlando, and Don, as it went off pretty much as Warble had planned it.
Telling the three golfing buddies the only way to remove the 'bomb' is to take them along to their captors' secret hideout and remove it there with a specially-designed tool, Warble and our gang march them through the green (or fairway) and into the dale (or vale).
Arriving at their craft, Mary realizes they have a problem. There's not enough room in the time and space vehicle to accommodate everyone. “Warble, how are we going to get them into the Arodnap?”
Warble misunderstands, thinking the problem is that the captives are more or less immobilized by the jumper cables and won't have the freedom of movement necessary in order to be able to climb aboard the airship of their own accord. “Jacques and Albert can pick them up and deposit them in the back seat, where they can keep an eye, or preferably several eyes—but no more than four, unless they've got some potatoes in their pockets--on them.”
“We have no room, Warble,” Mary exasperatedly explains.
“How can you think about romance at a time like this, Mary? We have work to do,” Warble responds.
“I'm not thinking about romance, Warble, believe me,” Mary retorts, embarrassed and thinking she will probably never be in the mood for romance ever again.
“Oh, I get it,” Warble replies. “You mean there's not enough space in our space and time travel vehicle to squeeze in these big lugs. But you forgot about the built-in, standard feature MC/D.”
“MC/D? Isn't that a phone company?” Mary quips.
“No, I think it was a rock 'n' roll band from Detroit,” Albert muses, playing along.
Soundtrack note: Rev up “Kick Out the Jams” here, brothers and sisters
“Not MCI, Mary. And not MC5, Albert. MC/D!” Warble reiterates. “MC/D: the Materiel Compressor/Decompressor. We'll shrink these fellas down to size and keep them in a little medicine jar until we get there.”
“Wait, Consumer Warble!” Comfy interjects. “The MC/D has not yet been tested on people! We don't know if it will work--and it could even be dangerous!”
“Well so what, what can it hurt?” Warble shrugs. “Even if they do get a little damaged, mangled, spun, folded, or mutilated in the process—hey! They're just baseball players. They're a dime a dozen. Take any derelict off the street, pump him full of steroids, and you've got your next home run king.”
“You do have a point there, Warble,” Ward says, not a big sports fan himself.
Before any more objections can be made, Warble grabs the MC/D wand and passes it over the trio of captives, who are staring wide-eyed at the device as if it were a blockbuster, multi-year, guaranteed contract--only without the enthusiasm such a document would elicit.
“Grab them!” Warble yells, as the now mouse-sized trio try to make a run for it. Jacques almost steps on Tony Perez before he's able to scoop him up. Mary catches Orlando Cepeda in one hand, and Don Mattingly in the other.
“They're so cute!” Mary exclaims in a high-pitched voice, admiring her two new-found pets. “They're so cute,” she repeats, almost mesmerized.
“Give me those guys, Mary,” Warble grouses, snatching the diminutive pair out of her hands. “Put them in that Coricidin bottle, along with Tony P.,” he instructs Jacques, handing over the two shrunken athletes as if they were a mere pocketful of change, lint, "horny" toads, or cats-eye marbles.
“HEY! Pour out the Coricidin first, you doofus!” Warble yells at Jacques. “You don't want those guys to flunk their drug test once we set them free again, do you? You all never consider other people's situations—no concern for anyone but yourself!”
Warble wrenches the bottle out of Jacques' hands and pours the Coricidin capsules down the nearest groundhog hole (coincidentally, the groundhog who lives there happens to be a distant cousin of Punxsutawney Phil). Warble thrusts the empty bottle back into LaRue's hand and climbs into the pilot's seat.
Soundtrack note: Play “Statesboro Blues” by the Allman Brothers. If you don't understand why, don't fret it
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Blackbird Crow Raven’s “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” is being serialized in this space each Sunday and Thursday; it is also available in its entirety from here.
You can listen to the recording of this excerpt, by the author’s alter ego, here: