SERIALIZATION OF “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” – Chapter 49 of 61
Warble Practically Kicks His Pants Off
CHAPTER 49
Warble Practically Kicks His Pants Off
As often happens in dreams, when disparate places, times, or circumstances sometimes merge into one and the same tableau and milieu, such is the case in Warble's nightmare.
He dreams of himself “back” in 2024, in dire straits, but with the Arodnap a scarce few meters away from him, as is the case in reality (outside of his dream).
In his nightmare, Warble suddenly remembers something: the Arodnap has a “Back” button (like that found in a web browser)! He races to the craft (which, in his dream, is parked just outside the doorway of the government satellite television station), and flips open the emergency panel. The holographic keypad appears in the air before him. Warble presses the 'Back' button. He sees himself back in time price tagging everything in creation. Pressing the Back button again, he watches himself fixing the world's currency. Another press, and he views himself taking care of Keith McHenry and his 'Food Not Bombs' plot. Warble glances up at the television screen and sees the snipers begin to squeeze their triggers. He clicks the “Back” button over and over as fast as he can. Warble finally gets to the point where Comfy and Albert
have just driven up to his mansion. Warble then holds the button in for the requisite 0.314 seconds, so that the scene will “stick,” or “come back.”
Hoping against hope, afraid of what scene of grisly and grotesque mayhem may confront his beady little peepers, Warble forces himself to look up at the television screen, hoping with all his might and main that his wife is out of danger.
Just then, Warble is drenched with what seems to him to be an ocean of cold water. And it had come just in time, too: Warble's agitated and frenetic energy had become so manic that he was kicking his pants off and sending dogs and other innocent beasts scurrying out of the neighborhood, persecuted as their hypersensitive ears were by his loud and high-pitched wailing.
Side note: Jacques and Marianne had returned down the hill, having fetched the water from a well, but in their haste to deliver the cool, refreshing liquid to their suffering boss, Jacques had tripped and chipped his tooth. This happened because Marianne had been following behind Jacques too closely and she had inadvertently given him a “flat tire” and then went sailing herself, cartwheeling down the hill with surprising alacrity.
Fortunately, though, owing to Jacques' athletic prowess and skills of coordination, he had spilled nary a drop of the precious fluid, even while going head over heels and breaking a crown (of a tooth) in the process. But that's neither here nor there; it's just a rather interesting, if not especially noteworthy, side note.
Warble sits up, coughing, sputtering, blinking his eyes, and smoothing his hair down with his fingers. “What happened?! Is Mary OK?!” he yells. Then he realizes that he addressed that question to Mary herself—she's standing right in front of him, gazing down at him with a look of sincere concern. “Mary! You're alright! Thanks to me and my ingenious powers of deduction and dead-right insight, as well as my exemplary keyboard skills.”
“You were dreaming, Warble,” is all Mary says in response. “You seem a little distraught—maybe you should have a nice cup of tea, followed by a hot bath and then a little nappy-noo,” she adds, patting him on the head solicitously.
“Tea?! Bath?! Nap?!” Warble yells, incredulously. “You know I drink coffee, take showers, and never nap, Mary! What a preposterous suggestion. 'Maybe you should have a nice cup of tea, a hot bath, and then take a little nappy-noo',” Warble mimics sarcastically. “Bah! Humbug!” he yells up at her, still dripping.
So angered and put out is he by Mary's silly suggestion, that steam is rising from Warble's body.
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Blackbird Crow Raven’s “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” is being serialized in this space each Sunday and Thursday; it is also available in its entirety from here.
You can listen to the recording of this excerpt, by the author’s alter ego, here: