SERIALIZATION OF “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” – Chapter 30 of 61
Warble Tries to Trick His Team and Plots a Kidnapping
Chapter 30
Warble Tries to Trick His Team and Plots a Kidnapping
You know the routine: Warble picks the spot (Philadelphia), then the date (July 4th, 1976), and off goes the wayward group of adventurers in the Arodnap.
Hovering over the historic city, Warble spots a bell tower and “knows” it is either the spot where Quasimodo went on a rampage or it’s Big Ben. Sure that none of those traveling with him will know any better, he asserts: “That tall building down there is Big Ben. It was named for Benjamin Franklin, who used to live in these parts before he moved to Florida and was reincarnated as a bear.”
“You mean the Ben Franklin? The one who started the chain of stores?” Mary jokes.
“The very same gent, Mary—that’s how he made enough money to repair to Florida and undergo a mammalian change operation. The surgery required to change a person from a human to a bear isn’t really all that radical or invasive, but back in those days--when people were even stupider than they are now, and placebos hadn’t even been invented yet--it was quite a feat.”
While yammering away, Warble has spotted his prey. He touches down in a dale or vale a smidgen beyond the pale of the golf course.
“Where are we?” the group inquires, in unison.
Warble winces, but controls his temper. “We’re at the City of Brotherly Birdies Golf Emporium,” Warble replies. “The evil plotters are just over this dale, or vale, or whatever it’s called in this part of the country. We’ll fan out, pretend we’re fans, and surround them.”
“And then what?” they all ask, again in unison.
“If y’all are practicing to be a barbershop septet, you’ve got to tighten up your harmonies just a tad,” Warble seethes, frowning. “Anyway, here’s what we’re gonna do: Albert, bring the jumper cables. We’ll hide behind that group of trees betwixt and between us and them. Marianne, you walk toward them with your secretarial pad in your hand, pretending you want to interview them. As soon as they notice you, act like you tripped, and fall sprawling to the ground. Pretend you sprained your ankle and start whimpering pitifully. When they come over to see if they can help you, we’ll emerge from our hiding place, surround them, and tie all of them up with Albert’s jumper cables.”
“Jumper cables? Are they long enough?” Ward inquires.
“You betcha, Robespierre—they’re extra-long in case you need a jump from a fellow Arodnap pilot while flying through the air—in the event your motor cuts out—it is an experimental aircraft, after all. You never heard of Bert Rutan being caught dead without extra-long jumper cables, have you?”
“Can’t say that I have,” Ward replies, not knowing who Bert Rutan is and, as usual, having no idea what Warble is driving at.
“But these guys are pretty buffed and ripped—they could probably undo any knot you could tie,” Jacques teases Warble.
“Don’t worry, LaRue, I’ve got it all figured out,” Warble says. “Those guys may be fine physical specimens with buns of steel, but that also means they’re none too bright.”
“Now wait a minute, Warble. Just what do you mean by that?” Jacques asks testily.
“No need to get testy, Jacques. But face it: the more a person improves his physique, the more his mental acumen is adversely affected, in inverse proportion. Take Steve “Popeye” Garvey, for instance—big and dumb, right? Before he became a regular fixture in the weight room, he was a pretty bright guy, but his brains drained right into his muscles, leaving just the fatty deposits behind in his cranium. It’s one of those either/or things: when you gain muscle, you lose brainpower; conversely and correspondingly, when you gain knowledge, you lose muscle mass.
“Yesirree Bob, the more a person learns, the weaker his body becomes. Another case in point: Bill Gates. It’s a tradeoff. Unless, of course, you are born both physically and mentally gifted, like a certain person among us is,” Warble explains, referring, of course, to himself. “If you’re born with dual citizenship, being both a person of supreme intellect and endowed with a superior physique, you’re a born leader, and pretty lucky, to boot—as is everyone who comes into contact with you.”
Warble sincerely hopes they all appreciate the privilege of spending time with him.
Jacques is fuming, but realizes resistance is futile. “Assuming that’s so,” he puts the argument aside for the moment, “how do you plan to hold that trio hostage with just a pair of jumper cables?”
“We’ll tell them it’s a bomb, and that the cables are filled with nitro. If they move the cables too violently, they will all explode, and then they will never get a chance to finish their round of golf.”
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Blackbird Crow Raven’s “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” is being serialized in this space each Sunday and Thursday; it is also available in its entirety from here.
You can listen to the recording of this excerpt, by the author’s alter ego, here: