SERIALIZATION OF “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” – Chapter 29 of 61
Warble Uncovers a Conspiracy to Turn Americans Into a Race of Cowards
Chapter 29
Warble Uncovers a Conspiracy to Turn Americans Into a Race of Cowards
“We’ve been to 1776, to save America from the devious designs of George Washington, and we will later travel to 1876 to alter the results at Custer’s Last Stand, but next on the agenda is a trip to two and one centuries, respectively, after those years--to the Bison Tenny-all year of 1976.”
“Why did you say it like that?” Mary asks Warble.
“Sakes alive, wench—what do you mean? What? Say what like what?” Warble splutters, angered about being interrupted with a nonsensical query.
“You said ‘bicentennial’ like ‘bison tenny-all.’ It sounds lame,” Mary explains.
“LAME? You’re the lamebrain, Mary. It is bison tenny-all, because it’s the year that all bisons (otherwise known as buffaloes) had to wear tennies (otherwise known as tennis shoes). The reason for that, of course, was because these idiotic beasts needed to show proper deference for the ascendancy of the race of Manifest Destiny and their introduction of a much better culture to all America, including sensible shoes—like tennis shoes.”
Warble looks pensive for a moment, and then goes on, seemingly rolling a conundrum over in his mind. “Even though tennis shoes aren’t just for tennis players anymore...”
“Warble,” Ward interrupts, feeling a headache coming on. “Can you possibly save the footwear history for some other time?”
“Oh, you people are impossible!” Warble barks back. “Ignorant as rocks, and you don’t even want to be edified by your superiors. Alright, then, I won’t throw my sapphires before razorbacks—let’s just forget about it, and go.”
“Amen, brother,” Comfy says. “You said 1976, Consumer Warble. Where are we headed, and why 1976?”
“Why 1976, you ask? Because that was the year an extremely iniquitous plot was devised to negatively impact American culture.”
“That was the year disco came onto the scene?” Jacques ventures a guess.
“Disco? No, nobody ever paid any attention to disco, so we don’t have to worry one whit about that. The problem was: yellow ribbons.”
Editor’s note: Although it was really 1973 when TOAD (Tony Orlando And Dawn) had the hit song “Tie a Yellow Ribbon,” it’s not at all out of character for Warble to be wrong, and it doesn’t affect what ultimately happens whether he arrives at the “right” time or not.
“Yellow ribbons? What harm could they possibly cause?” Ward wonders.
“Well, Robespierre, what would we as a nation wind up like if the country became inundated with the things?” Warble probes.
Ward has no idea. So he just shrugs.
“I’ll tell you what, Robespierre, and this is why you need me as your leader—you obviously can’t think for yourself very well--but don’t pine away or even weep or moan about that; it’s probably genetic, and you can’t help being such a numbskull... Buy the whey, what do you have against disco?”
Ward just rolls his eyes and shrugs again. Warble sighs and then continues. “Let’s use logic, shall we?” he condescendingly begins. “You are what you eat, now that’s a proven fact. Tell me, what is your most important sense—of your five senses I mean: hearing, taste, touch, nickels, or sight?”
“Sight?” Ward ventures.
“Sight, right,” Warble agrees, nodding. “Now, if you are what you eat, and taste is less vital than sight, then obviously you are what you see, too. So, when people see yellow ribbons, it engenders fear in their bosom (if they are male) or in their breasts (if they are female).”
“Looking at yellow ribbons scares people?” Jacques questions. “I’ve never noticed that.”
“Then you’re not particularly perceptive, are you, LaRue?” is Warble’s rejoinder. “It’s a good thing you’re not a detective, or a member of some other profession which calls for good observation skills--like a mattress tester, for instance. You don’t have to be a rocket scientist--that is to say an out-and-out genius like me, for those of you who don’t understand the analogy—to perceive that people who are cowards have yellow stripes down their back.”
“Literally?” Albert questions.
“Yes, literally, how else would that phrase mean anything or make any sense?” Warble replies. “This diabolical plot to first plant yellow ribbons on every tree in sight, and then to infest all the cars and buildings and t-shirts after that with the nefarious things, is nothing more - or less! - than a brazen attempt to turn Americans into a race of rank cowards, besieged as our eyes would become with the debilitating and enervating color yellow everywhere we looked.”
“So you say this is a plot, Warble. Just who, according to your way of thinking, is behind it?” Mary skeptically challenges her husband.
“I don’t just think I know who’s behind it, Mary, I know I know who was responsible for popularizing this whole mess: It was three baseball players (who would ever expect baseball players, of all people, to ever do anything wrong?) who formed a singing group in the off-season and thus verily set the whole rotten conspiracy in motion: Tony (Perez), Orlando (Cepeda), and Don (Mattingly).
“What’d you say? A soprano, a centipede, and a wrestling mat?” Ward asks for clarification, totally confused.
Warble has no idea what Ward is referring to. So he ignores the question and goes on with his explanation. “This evil triumvirate somewhat cleverly and cutely called themselves Tony, Orlando, and Don...I’m probably the only person who remembers their last names, buy the whey,” Warble boasts, pushing himself up on the balls of his feet and puffing out his chest. “They had a mega-hit single called Tie a Yellow Ribbon ‘round the Old Fig-Mulberry Tree that hypnotized people into doing just that, drastically reducing the courage level of their fellow consumers in the process.”
Soundtrack note: Must I even mention it?
“So how do you intend to prevent these three jocks from starting this rather silly fad, Warble?” Mary wonders.
“We’ve got to kidnap those guys, and give them an attitude adjustment, Mary.” Warble rubs his hands together and, gazing dreamily into the distance, gloats: “Once we’re through with them, they’ll never in a million years even consider recording such an unpatriotic and seditious tune.”
Soundtrack note: We would call for “Attitude Adjustment” by Hank Williams, Jr. here, but it’s going to be used later, so never mind.
Ah, what the heck:
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Blackbird Crow Raven’s “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” is being serialized in this space each Sunday and Thursday; it is also available in its entirety from here.
You can listen to the recording of this excerpt, by the author’s alter ego, here: