SERIALIZATION OF “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” – Chapter 10 of 61
Consumer Warble’s Politically Incorrect Way of Attempting to Make the World Safe for Globalization
Chapter 10
Consumer Warble’s Politically Incorrect Way of Attempting to Make the World Safe for Globalization
“Preemptive strike? What in the world do you mean?” Ward questions. “That’s not our way; it’s unprecedented, at least at this early date in our history.”
“Exactly! And that’s why we have to precedent it right now, so that we don’t end up in a world of hurt,” Warble explains. “Here’s my plan: as already established (because I said it), baseball is a microcosm of life in America. If we improve baseball, we necessarily and by definition improve America. Now I ask you: Who is the most important person on the baseball diamond?”
“The umpire?” Ward guesses.
“The umpire?! That fat, dumb, wannabe turtle?! What have you been smokin’, Robespierre?! The most important guy on the diamond is the pitcher. And do you know how many of these fine specimens we’ve lost over the years because they were forced to waste their time and wear out their arms throwing pitches that the batters didn’t even swing at?”
“Can’t say that I do,” Ward freely admits.
“You should brush up on American history, then (also known as baseball history),” Warble scolds. “Briefcase Paige, the greatest of them all—cut down in the prime of his career because of having to throw too many swung-at-but-missed and unswung-at strikes. And then there’s the inimitable James Hannah-Barbera “Dizzy” Dean, who threw out his arm pitching to a gaggle of minor leaguers or American Legion players or whoever they were, who wouldn’t know what a double steal was if one came up and bit them on the patooty. A travesty!
“Last but not least, Ho Lee Krapp, the pride of Korea, blew out his arm pitching to Tony Gwynn, who fouled off 314 straight Krapp curve balls in one single, solitary at-bat—which, as you might guess, was the last batter Krapp ever faced—his arm was dead as a doornail from that point on. To add insult to injury, as Krapp was yanked by the manager after Gwynn homered off him, a spectator--as they are wont to do--jeered him with comments decidedly unfavorable to his lineage. The hot-headed Korean pitcher lost his cool and went into the stands. When Krapp hit the fan, all Dallas broke loose. Krapp was banned from baseball for life. I think he’s selling apples from a cart on the streets of Seoul, now. And he doesn’t especially care for that line of work. It’s a sad thing. Anyway, ...”
“Just what are you driving at, Warble, besides trying to drive me crazy?” Mary asks.
“That would be a mighty short ride for you, Mary,” Warble retorts. “You may as well walk, if that’s where you’re going. Anyway, here’s the deal: We have to change the rules of baseball so that umpires can call strikes on batters without the pitcher actually having to throw the ball.”
“What? How could an umpire tell whether the pitcher is going to throw a strike, and whether the batter either wouldn’t swing at it, or swing at it and miss?” Jacques asks.
“Well, he’s the umpire, isn’t he? What he says, goes. He’s probably the most important guy on the diamond (except for the pitcher that is, as I proved to you ignoramuses earlier). You just have to trust him and take his word for it—or else! Besides, you just have to have faith—ya gotta believe!”
“Faith? You’re espousing a faith-based initiative?” Marianne asks.
“Leave Mary out of this. She doesn’t even understand baseball, the poor pitiable soul. What I mean is this: every true baseball fan (in other words, every dyed-in-the-wool, red- or blue-blooded American) knows that the umpire can tell in advance whether the pitch is going to be a ball or a strike. He can tell from the sign the catcher gives the pitcher, or the look on the pitcher’s face, or how many times the pitcher scratches himself in the groin area, or in which direction he drools tobacco juice down his chin, whether the pitch will end up being a strike or not.”
“He can?” Marianne asks, dubious of the veracity of Warble’s statement.
“Sure,” Warble asserts. “For example, if the batter can’t hit low-and-inside curve balls, and the catcher calls for that sort of pitch, the umpire already knows it’s going to be a strike. Or if the pitcher gets a real determined look on his face--you know, like an ‘I won’t be denied,’ ‘Refuse to lose,’ or ‘Get ’er done’ kind of glaring stare, he will definitely throw a strike. Also, if he drools tobacco juice down the left side of his chin, he’s obviously in ‘the zone’ and has tapped into his inner derelict, unleashing his raw potential...”
“Warble, what in Kennesaw Mountain Landis are you talking about?” Jacques demands.
“Intuition, skill, and years of practice—that’s what I’m talking about, LaRue,” Warble says. “The umpires have it. Also, if they don’t like the batter, and they either like or are indifferent towards the pitcher, they know they’re going to call a strike. Or sometimes they just alternate between calling balls and strikes. Ball, strike, ball, strike, etc. Those embodiments of wisdom incarnate (the umps, that is) can even tell by the look on the batter’s shoulders whether he’s going to whiff or not.”
“Whiff? What’ve you been sniffing, Warble?” Mary queries.
“Besides sniffing at your ignorance, you mean? Why, sometimes the umps will be able to call a batter out on three strikes before he even gets out of the on-deck circle. That will save even more time -- and shoe leather to boot.
“Anyway, the point is this: The most important practitioners (pitchers) of the most important job in the country (baseball) must be protected. Their arms need to be spared all that extra stress and strain, the wasted motion of throwing balls that would be strikes anyway. Their careers will last longer, thus baseball will experience a boon, verily the country will be uplifted, and voila!--the world will be made safe for globalization, and the globe safe for commerce.”
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^
Blackbird Crow Raven’s “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” is being serialized in this space each Sunday and Thursday; it is also available in its entirety from here.
You can listen to the recording of this excerpt, by the author, here: