SERIALIZATION OF “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” – Chapter 54 of 61
Warble Decides On an Impostor
Chapter 54
Warble Decides On an Impostor
“Kidnap Jesus!?!” the seven cry out in unison. This is one thing Warble's entourage will have no part in or of, even if it does mean being stuck in 1st Century Jerusalem for the rest of their lives.
Seeing he would face stiff opposition and a really ticked off wife if he were to follow through with his plan, Warble stomps off to the nearest fig-mulberry tree, sits down in its shade, and begins actively moping (moaning, putting his head in his hands, telling people to shut their pie-hole when they try to talk to him, and violently pushing their hand away if they try to console him).
Note: For those who have read volume I of the Warble trilogy (“the Wacky Misadventures of Warble McGorkle”), the scene where Warble is looking for an 'Oompa Loompa' just before he meets Plumpo Tiddlywink may come to mind here
In a few minutes (during which time the rest of the travelers from the 21st Century are standing around talking about the upcoming NBA draft—that is, upcoming back in their native time and place), Warble's whimpering begins to lessen in intensity, his sobs coming further and further apart. A new idea is slowly taking root, like a viral fungus, in his mind. In a scant few seconds, the “brainstorm” has reached full bloom, and the multi-trillionaire “philanthropist” leaps up into the air.
“I've got it!” he beams, and then his expression changes. He scowls at the seven and adds, “No thanks to you traitors! I may not even mention you in my memoirs for this; and that even goes for you, Mary!”
Mary shrugs. Warble's expression changes back to one of satispation.
“Instead of kidnapping Jesus,” he explains, “we'll just follow tradition, and settle for an impostor.”
“An impostor!?” Jacques says, “that's preposterous!”
“Yes, LaRue,” Warble agrees. “And that's exactly why it will work—nobody will expect it.
They will all think he really is Jesus. And who will know the difference?—you could train a monkey to be President. It's been proven many times, in fact.
“Any dummy can move his lips. The trick is figuring out who the ventriloquist is,” Warble adds.
Well, it is a compromise, of sorts, is the group's joint thinking on the matter. At least we were able to prevent Warble from kidnapping the real Jesus, they reason.
“Do you have anyone particular in mind, Warble?” Mary wants to know.
“Yes, of course,” Warble says, convinced he's already targeted the perfect candidate for the job. “There's a certain gent who hangs around with Jesus and has an appreciation for money—a born capitalist, I'd say.”
“Who is this guy?” Ward asks, hoping his guess as to this person's identity is wrong. “What's his name?”
“I'll give you a hint, Robespierre,” Warble says, intuiting that the personage he has in mind may not be the most popular choice with his traveling companions, and for that reason wanting to break the news to them gradually, gently. “Like Jesus, his name starts with a 'J'. And, like Jesus, his name ends with an 'S'. Also, both of them have five letters in their names, two of which are vowels, one of which is 'U'.”
“Oh, brother, you can't mean...” Mary gasps, clapping her hand over her mouth.
“Cut that out, Mary!” Warble protests. “Just because we're in the land of Abraham and Sarah, or Abram and Sarai, doesn't mean you should pretend that you and I are siblings to one another. I don't see any Kings around here vying for your hand in holy matrimony or looking to add to their harem, so just knock it off!”
“Warble, don't change the subject! Tell me you're not going to recruit Judas Iscariot as President,” Mary wails.
“I can't tell you that I'm not going to do that, Mary, because that's exactly what I am going to do. After all, he is a reasonable facsimile of the person I wanted to bring, but YOU wouldn't let me,” he scolds, getting angry again at the thought of the 'mutiny,' as he considers it to have been. “They are both Jews, and all Jews look the same; Their names are similar, as I just explained to you in such painstaking detail; and we can easily train him to do whatever we want, and to say whatever we want him to say.
“Actually, come to think of it,” Warble goes on, “I think Judas is the perfect choice after all, and I'm glad I decided against kidnapping Jesus, even though you all tried to talk me into going through with it. Jesus would've been difficult to manage, I think—too much of an independent thinker and quibbler over minor details like right and wrong, truth, fairness, and justice.
“Now, Judas!—there's presidential material for you! Since he would sell his soul and betray his friends for a mere 30 pieces of silver, just think what he won't do for us when we pay him the approximate equivalent of 30 pieces of silver every month, not to mention the sweet stock options he will have at his disposal.”
“Oh, Warble,” Mary says, throwing up her hands in a display of extreme exasperation.
“Thanks anyway, Mary, but finish your ode to me some other time,” Warble says. “We've got even more important things to do at the moment.”
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^
Blackbird Crow Raven’s “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” is being serialized in this space each Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday; it is also available in its entirety from here.
You can listen to the recording of this excerpt, by the author’s alter ego, here: