SERIALIZATION OF “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” – Chapter 57 of 61
Warble’s Machine-Gun Duplicity
Chapter 57
Warble’s Machine-Gun Duplicity
“You heard right, LaRue,” Warble confirms. “Don't tell me you haven't heard of Polled Herefords. Not wanting to bother humans, who were busy with other things, early pollsters asked cows (which were domesticated in 1883 once the cowboy days ended) their opinions on anything and everything. Which were usually, not unlike these hippies here, all screwed up.
“As just one example of how crazy these cows were: When they were asked what their favorite type of donuts were, they answered grass, clover, alfalfa, soybean, etc., which found no market among humans and put many bakeries out of business when they altered their offerings based on the survey results. Think of all the bakery investors who went bankrupt heeding those polls! When all along, they should have been asking me—I'm more than willing to take time out to answer questions like that—anything for the good of the economy and my fellow consumers - especially if there are free samples involved!
“And besides, I'm an expert on donuts—especially the holes. There are donuts I know I like (chocolate, maple, jelly-filled, blueberry, etc.); donuts I know I don't like (spam, sauerkraut, lima bean, etc.); donuts I don't know that I like (but I don't know what they are, of course); and donuts I don't know that I don't like (again, some I haven't tried yet, but flavors I wouldn't like if and when I ate them, if I ever did, which I probably won't but might). And then there are all the rest.”
“That's deep,” Jacques replies sarcastically.
“Well, I don't mean to show you up and make you feel bad, LaRue” Warble says, “butt I just can't help myself—a lion can't change his stripes, you know.
“In a classic case of stepwise refinement, the Hereford Polls were finally replaced by Gallop polls. These stemmed from the days of the Pony Express, when riders would gallop from frontier town to frontier town, asking people all sorts of nosy questions.”
Mary has had enough. “Warble, what has all this” (she almost says 'nonsense') “to do with us here and now?”
“I'm getting to that, Mary. In our polls, the pinnacle of pollstering is reached. Of course, we will just ask people whose opinions we value: You can never go wrong with people who have doubled initials, such as A.A. Milne, B.B. King, C.C. Ryder, D. D. Ramone, e.e. cummings, H.H. Hornblower, J.J. "Kool" Bell, L.L. Bean, R.R. Crossing, S.S. Titanic, and Z.Z. Top.”
“Z.Z. Top is not a person, it's a li'l ol' rock 'n' roll band from Tejas,” Albert objects.
“Says who?” Warble challenges.
“Says me—I know those guys personally—Billy Bob Thornton, Dustin “The Wind,” and Frank James,” Albert jokes.
Warble, of course, doesn't get it. “It doesn't matter, anyway, those people aren't here. And besides, Texas is part of Mexico (thank God!) now, remember? So we have to ask ourselves. And who better to ask than us? Well, actually, me, as I know everything worth knowing.
Soundtrack Note: How about “Nobody Loves Me But My Mother” by B.B. King, followed by “Psycho Therapy” by the Ramones, “C.C. Rider” by Ray Charles, “Celebrate” by Kool and the Gang, and topped off with “Sharp Dressed Man” by Z.Z. Top here?
“So, here's what we do: we propagate the propaganda by changing the lyrics to all the songs that will be performed here at this festival or concert or whatever these wigged-out freaks want to call their little shindig. We promote war in every song, and in no time flat everyone will be transfixed, mesmerized, and hypnotized with no thoughts other than 'Point me to the Recruitment Office, Cats and Chicks!'”
“Such as?” Comfy asks. “I mean, what lyrics are you, in particular, planning on changing?”
“Well, I wish my favorite bands were here to play them, namely: The Bureaucrats of Utopia, Wasted Staples, Inca Hoots and the Aztec Hollers, Monorail Spoonrocket, Rot Cheer, Deviated Septums, Brute Force & Ignorance, The Coal Mine Canaries, Umbrellas Turned Inside Out, The Non-Returning Boomerangs, Rubber-Tired Dozer, Unstoppable Velocity, The Plug Uglies, Pocket Full of Rocks, Vacant Stare, Charmed Quark and the Antiquarks, Semantic Inversion, Willing Suspension of Disbelief, The Concatenated Order of Hoo-Hoos, The Society for the Prevention of Burying People Alive, Interrobang, The Border Ruffians, The Cosmetic Cucumbers, Whirr Ewe Knot, Screeching Weasel, and, last but certainly not least, Mule-Donkey and the Sterile Asteroids.
“Butt, we'll just have to make do with these other dorks, so we'll pull the old bait and switch and the crowd will hear the following songs, thanks to our lyrical 'intrusions' and improvements:
“I'm Goin' In!” by Ten Years Later
“Feel Like I'm Fixin' To Kill Charlie” by Country Jack and the Fishmongers
“With a Little Help From My Buddies” by Joe Cocker-Spaniel
“Teach Your Recruits Well” by Bing Crosby, Moonshine Stills, Ramblin' Nash Elliott, and the Young Turks
“Summer in the Jungle” by Johann Sebastian and His Howling Commandos
“Everyday Bombings” by Sly and the Family Rock
“If I Had a Machine Gun” by Pedro, Paolo, and Mary Ann
“Peace (What is it Good for?)” by Edwin R. Starr-Murrow
Soundtrack Note: If we can't get the original artists to redo these songs in this new way, perhaps we can talk “Weird” Al Jankovic into recording them
“After the closing encore rave-up, when all of them play those songs simultaneously, with their amplifiers cranked up to 11, we'll be standing at the gates, handing out machine guns to the former flower children as they storm their way out of this pasture and move out on the double to the recruiting stations.”
“You're a genius, Warble,” Mary intones, shaking her head.
“I know it,” Warble replies, nonchalantly. “And soon the whole world will know it, too. Not that they didn't already.”
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Blackbird Crow Raven’s “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” is being serialized in this space each Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday; it is also available in its entirety from here.
You can listen to the recording of this excerpt, by the author’s alter ego, here: