SERIALIZATION OF “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” – Chapter 53 of 61
Warble Plans to Pull a Fast One on Jesus -- or Kidnap Him
Chapter 53
Warble Plans to Pull a Fast One on Jesus or Kidnap Him
Warble pilots the Arodnap to a secluded spot on the dark side of Mars Hill; he and his crew camouflage its location by covering it with the branches from a withered fig-mulberry tree and multitudes of mustard plants.
Clapping the plant residue off his hands with a feeling of satispation (a mixture of satisfaction and anticipation), Warble informs his crew of his plans as they saunter down the hill (at this moment Warble looks quite similar to Pete Townshend on the cover of the album “Who's Next,” walking down the incline with his head inclined in a downward arc, looking pensive and thoughtful and almost, if one didn't know better, a little contrite):
Soundtrack Note: Either “Baba O'Reilly” or “Won't Get Fooled Again” by The Who would be good choices at this stage of the game
“In order for the Founding Fathers to institute a solitary religion that will stay strong and resist all future attempts to circumvent or replace it,” Warble begins, “it will need government backing. And so, what better way than to find Jesus, convince him to come forward in time with us, and run for President. That way, as Supreme Head of all branches of the government--the legislative, the judicial, the executive, as well as Commander in Chief of the combined branches of the military--he can introduce, uphold, and enforce the law to maintain one and only one religion. That will bring us lots of boodle—for the good of the emboodled, of course—and keep everyone united, to boot.”
“Do you think Jesus would really want to do that—get involved in politics?” Mary questions Warble. “After all, he refused to become king of the Jews when some of them tried to draft him for that very purpose in his day.”
“If we can't convince him to come with us to become President, we'll make something else up,” Warble replies nonchalantly.
“You mean you'd try to pull a fast one on Jesus?!” Mary gasps.
“Well, why not, if it's for a good cause?” Warble replies, a little miffed that Mary doesn't give him the benefit of the doubt that his motives are pure and his plan fool- proof. “The ends justify the meanness. Besides, Jesus will thank us, later, once he becomes President and realizes it's a better job than walking around dusty old Israel preaching—and for what: only to get killed in the end! Nature abhors a martyr! As President, he can retire unscathed and live in the lap of luxury in Las Vegas, Nevada or Ocracoke, Maine or Truth or Consequences, New Mexico or Lost Nation, Iowa ... or wherever else he wants to spend his golden years.”
“I think you've got Jesus all wrong,” Mullah pipes up. “He doesn't care so much about comfort, retiring to a life of ease, and all that sort of thing.”
Warble has endured just about as much resistance from his subordinates as he can take.
“All right, then!” he fumes.
His seven companions all sigh in relief. They think Warble has abandoned his plans, and so they turn on their heels and head back to the Arodnap.
“Hey! Where are you all going?” Warble yells. “I didn't say we were leaving.”
“I thought you had given up on your idea about transporting Jesus to the future,” Mary says.
“Who said so!?!” Warble barks. “I told you what we had to do, and why. What has changed it? Just because you idiots and flibbertigibbets can't see sense or think straight?!”
“But I thought we convinced you that Jesus wouldn't want to come with us,” Mullah says.
“Maybe so,” Warble concedes. “Butt in that case, we'll just have to kidnap him.”
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Blackbird Crow Raven’s “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” is being serialized in this space each Sunday and Thursday; it is also available in its entirety from here.
You can listen to the recording of this excerpt, by the author’s alter ego, here: