SERIALIZATION OF “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” – Chapter 11 of 61
Warble’s Delusions of Grandeur and Rewriting of History
CHAPTER 11
“What?! Just what is it exactly that are you proposing, Warble?” Ward wants to know.
“We must facilitate and enable and enact a rules change, so that umpires can call strikes before they happen, and so that the pitchers don’t even have to throw the ball in those instances,” Warble answers. “Games will go faster, pitchers will last longer, and all will be peaches and cream, hunky dory, goodness and light.
“Yes, the future of civilization depends on us: Umpires, those selfless paragons of impartial justice, moral integrity, and social equality must be given the right to call preemptive strikes!”
“I must admit, Warble, I really don’t see what good all this will do,” Mary says.
“Mary, I’m shocked! You are so self-centered! You don’t care three continental derns for those poor, put-upon pitchers, do you? As far as you’re concerned, they can blow out their elbows and waste their time hurling all those unnecessary strikes. Okay, then, seeing that all you care about is yourself, here’s how you--and the entire country!--will benefit: As the games will be much shorter, you can get home earlier, to tend your begonias and bake your pies. Like the national anthem says:
(Warble sings it)
Take me home from the ball game
Take me home from the crowd
Buy me some Pop Tarts(™) and fake fruit snacks
I don’t care if I get really fat
So it’s root root root for a short game
If they play long it’s a shame
And it’s 1,2 or more sore arms saved at the old ball game
“And by spending less time at the games you can thus accomplish more in the way of, say, watching reality TV shows, mowing your lawn, golfing, and other vital pursuits.”
“But I don’t golf,” Jacques says, who engages in only what he considers to be real sports (ones in which the participants run, jump, sweat, and smash into things).
“I know you don’t, LaRue, but you should,” Warble advises. “That was a hint, a word to the wise, but perhaps it was lost on you. But just in case it’s not and you will actually listen and learn: golf is very suave and debonair. It’s the only sport where you don’t have to run, jump, sweat, and smash into things. Because it’s such a calm and laid-back activity, you don’t even have to shower after golfing, so think of all the water you can save!”
“What about the water used to keep the greens green?” Jacques counters.
“I wouldn’t worry about that, LaRue--it’s probably recycled water anyway. Butt, buy the whey, what do tree huggers have to do with it?”
Jacques again has no idea what Warble is talking about. He returns to his earlier concern.
“Are you sure this unprecedented move—these preemptive strikes you’re proposing--is a wise one, Warble?” Jacques persists.
“Of course, LaRue. There are many historical examples where preemptive strikes worked well in America.”
“There are?”
“Sure! To cite just one example, Sherman left behind a slow-acting poison when he passed through Atlanta.”
“Sherman who? Mike Sherman, the former coach of the Green Bay Packers?”
“No, you hare-brained nincompoop! Boy howdy, it must take a lot of practice to become as ignorant as you are--no offense, of course! Anyway, when Sherman marched through “Jaw-jaw,” you see, he knew the Peachy Keeners would eventually steal Milwaukee’s baseball team (an attempt to usurp their culture, as baseball is a Yankee sport), and leaving behind the time-release poison was Sherman’s way of getting revenge in advance--ya gotta be proactive, dont’cha know, not reactive, retroactive, or radioactive.
Anyway, you can tell it worked out just swell if you watch a Braves game in Atlanta: Everybody in the stands moans and sways and flails their arms--sure signs of being slowly poisoned to death.”
“Warble, I think you spent too much time playing football without a helmet when you were a kid,” is Jacques’ opinion on the matter.
“Hey, why aren’t we getting anywhere?” Warble demands of everyone, but of Comfy and Albert in particular. “We’re just flying in circles around the world, over and over.”
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Blackbird Crow Raven’s “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” is being serialized in this space each Sunday and Thursday; it is also available in its entirety from here.
You can listen to the recording of this excerpt, by the author, here: