SERIALIZATION OF “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” – Chapter 55 of 61
Dirty Trickster Warble Serves as Campaign Manager for Judas Iscariot
Chapter 55
Dirty Trickster Warble Serves as Campaign Manager for Judas Iscariot
Judas ends up being a pretty easy sell for smooth-talking Warble. The sound of swimming pools, movie starlets vying for his attention, and a mansion in Beverly Hills piqued Iscariot's interest (although Warble first had to explain to him what swimming pools and movie starlets were).
Soundtrack Note: The theme song to “Beverly Hillbillies” should play here
What really sealed the deal, though, was the promise that he (Judas), as President, could make as many shady back-room deals as he wanted, and the assurance that the more cunning and heartless he was, the richer he would become. It didn't hurt, either, that he would have ultimate power over the most important country on earth and would be exempt from any punishment, be it local, regional, national, or international. In explaining this perq, Warble intentionally left out galactic, or universal, because he had an inkling that a higher power might one day squash Judas flatter than a pancake, and he didn't want to mention that little detail to his partner in politics (AKA crime).
Instead, Warble focuses on the positive, and assures Judas the political game is an easy one to master. Warble instructs Judas on what it takes to succeed in politics: “Judas my boy, I know more about politics than anybody outside of prison. What you need is thick skin, a thick skull, wafer-thin arguments, and thinly veiled threats. Also, it doesn't hurt to have a college education—a B.S. in b.s., preferably. Just for practice, though, make sure to cheat in all your other classes.”
Against their better judgment, Warble's crew acquiesces and go along with the smuggling of Judas into the 21st Century. Predictably, matters turn out as Warble intended: Judas is sent to the School of the Americas to learn how to lie convincingly and promise everything while delivering nothing, as well as all the other presidential skills.
But even though Judas graduates at the top of his class, Warble and his paid goons have to finagle and fake, intimidate and bribe to secure Judas his proper position as President. Or, as Warble puts it, the citizens were too stupid to realize on their own that Judas was the right man for the job, so Warble and his cronies had to 'grease the wheels' a little.
Judas, of course—on Warble's recommendation—had anglicized his name so that nobody would connect him with the Messiah's treasurer, who had disappeared under mysterious circumstances in the first Century C.E. What he changed it to doesn't really matter, though.
With that little matter all sewn up, as it were, Warble turns his attention to one last errand in time and space. But wouldn't you know it, the natives are getting restless.
Mary is travel-weary and wants to remain in the 21st Century. Ward wants his vacation--and now, of all times. Jacques also is grumbling about missing the WBA playoffs. Other crew members pipe up with their complaints and excuses about why they also need to go home (things Warble considers inconsequential, such as their kids' graduations, weddings, babies being born, surgeries, funerals, etc.).
“All right, all right, we'll be done soon,” Warble promises. “Butt first, one more assignment, one final rendezvous with pivotal historical events, one last date with destiny.”
“I'd rather have a date with Destiny's Child,” Albert lets on.
“I think you are Density's Child, Albert,” Warble snaps, having slightly misheard the master mechanic. “And I recommend you don't date yourself--because then you would have to pay for everything. And, when you do date someone other than yourself, if you can't get the girl to pay, at least go Dutch—that's my way, anyway. Anyway, just one more job, and then you all can have a couple of days off—without pay, of course!” Warble reminds them, wagging his finger.
Soundtrack Note: “Say My Name” by Destiny's Child is a pretty (no pun intended, although those girls are mighty pretty) good bet here
Without saying another word in response (knowing it would be futile), the crew march dutifully back to the Arodnap, and silently climb aboard, still somewhat glum about being schlepped along on yet another wild goose chase, but at least relieved that they will soon be reprieved.
With a flourish and certain cachet borne of an acquired familiarity with the device, Warble activates the GPS/CPS.
Location: Yasger's Farm, Woodstock, New York
Date: August 15th, 1969
Soundtrack Note: Fade out here with "Woodstock" by CSN&Y
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Blackbird Crow Raven’s “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” is being serialized in this space each Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday; it is also available in its entirety from here.
You can listen to the recording of this excerpt, by the author’s alter ego, here: