SERIALIZATION OF “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” – Chapter 17 of 61
WARBLE ACCUSES GEORGE WASHINGTON OF A HIGH CRIME (NOT MERELY A MISDEMEANOR)
Chapter 17
Warble Accuses George Washington of a High Crime (Not Merely a Misdemeanor)
And so it goes. Warble and his cast of mercenaries and malcontents release their purchased menagerie (except for the Helephino, which Warble has passed through the MC/D and placed in the Arodnap’s trunk) all around the Carson home and neighborhood.
Having successfully completed his self-assigned task at this time (1960) and place (Silver Spring, Maryland), a feeling of warm satisfaction washes over Warble.
Or then again it could be the pigeon poop that has just landed on his head.
At any rate, Warble finally straightens up and commands his troops: “Now, people, we’ve got one of our most important assignments ahead of us. We need to go back in time to the illustrious year of our Lord seventeen and seventy-six and throw an ignominious traitor out of the country before he gets a chance to perpetrate his dastardly deeds.”
“You mean Benedict Arnold?” Marianne guesses.
“Of course not! Why would I care about a philosophizing pig?” Warble snarls (deducing, erroneously, that Marianne is speaking of Spinoza and the pet porker on ‘Green Acres’).
“I’m talking about that would-be menace to society George W.”
“But George W. Bush wasn’t even alive in 1776!” Ward objects.
“Not George W. Bush, you no-account scalawag blatherskite dipwad! I’m talking about George Washington!”
“George Washington was a traitor?” Ward asks, stunned.
“He most certainly was, Robespierre,” Warble says. “Until we cut behind him in time and head him off at the pass, that is. Boyoboy, I’m surprised at your ignorance of Colonial and early-post-colonial history. Everybody knows about the terrible things George brought upon the country. What were you doing in U.S. History class, anyway—daydreaming, doodling, and throwing spitwads?”
“Never mind what I was or was not doing in school,” Ward says, and then inquires:
“What did Washington do to get your dander up, anyway?”
Warble glances down at his shoulders and, although he doesn’t really see anything, surreptitiously brushes them off with a few quick hand motions. “I knew I should’ve worn my white Elvis costume,” he mutters to himself under his breath.
“What did you say, Warble?” Ward asks.
“I said, ‘You must’ve been flying a kite, listening to tunes’.”
“When?” Ward asks, thinking he has lost the thread.
“When you should’ve been in history class paying attention to the lessons, you unpatriotic bonehead!” Warble replies, practically frothing at the mouth. “You were probably out standing in someone else’s field enjoying ‘Up, Up, and Away’ by the Fifth Dimension on your iPod.”
Soundtrack note: Guess which song should go here? (sorry)
“iPod?! They didn’t even have such a thing when I was in high school. Even now, the only eye pods I have are these right here beneath my peepers,” Ward says, indicating with both index fingers the bags under his eyes. “And I had none at all in those halcyon days of yore,” he adds, pointedly. “I’ve only developed them since I went to work for you, along with my gray hair and nervous stomach.”
The tables have been turned. Warble has no idea what Ward is ranting about. “Be that as it may, the fact remains that you are inexcusably ignorant of George Washington’s grave crimes,” Warble notes, fixing Ward with an accusing stare.
“Oh, you mean chopping down the cherry tree?” Jacques says. “Sheesh! Get over it.”
“Cherry tree! What are you thinking?! Georgie Porgie (and his wife Bess, too, who created the first American flag) grew up in Washington, D.C., not Washington State! There are no fruit trees in D.C. In fact, there is nothing productive at all there. His Highness’ heinous transgression was inventing the peanut.”
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Blackbird Crow Raven’s “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” is being serialized in this space each Sunday and Thursday; it is also available in its entirety from here.
You can listen to the recording of this excerpt, by the author, here: