SERIALIZATION OF “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” – Chapter 59 of 61
Warble Expects Accolades But Gets Arrested Instead
Chapter 59
Warble Expects Accolades But Gets Arrested Instead
Warble lands the Arodnap in the spacious “back forty” of he and Mary's new mansion, and he and his entourage all pile out, happy to be “home” again (in their native time and place).
Warble hears Mary shriek, but at first thinks she is just expressing her delight at being home, to take care of her begonias and get back to her apple pie baking and other silly hobbies. But then he hears Mary yell out:
“Look, Warble, across the street!”
Warble spins around. What used to be an oak savanna is now taken up by a humongous strip mall—concrete, neon, and plastic as far as the eye can see. The overarching sign reads: McWallyland Super Duper Everything All Under One Roof Emporium.
“Wow,” Warble enthuses. "This is really neat! It makes the Maul of America look like Walden Pond or pre-inundation Hetch-Hetchy!" (which places Warble considers to have been vast wastelands).
Soundtrack Note: “Big Yellow Taxi” by Counting Crows
Not everyone is pleased with the changes, though. Ward notices that all the people emerging from the shops are wearing gas masks. He soon realizes why: the air reeks of chemicals, and is thick with an orange-ish haze.
Then Marianne, carefully scrutinizing the clothing worn by the shoppers, sees that, indeed, as Warble had intended, everything has been “price-tagged,” or, to be more precise, bar-coded. Even people's foreheads are branded with RFID tags. Nobody appears to be exempt: from babes in arms and strollers up to the most ancient and tottery geezers, coots, and codgers, all have been “signed, sealed, and delivered.”
Soundtrack Note: “Signed, Sealed and Delivered” by Stevie Wonder
Mary is silently weeping. “Our neighborhood is ruined!” she laments.
“Now, now, Mary,” Warble tries to console her. “I'll buy the Arodnap, and you can sit in it and go back in time and gaze at that worthless, non-productive field any time you want —just leave the location the same, and change the date back...wait a minute: that won't work! Well, just keep going back in time until you see the empty lot again.”
“Empty lot!” Mary screams. “Empty lot!!” she repeats. “That was NOT an empty lot—it was full of trees and wildflowers and birds and bees and butterflies and...”
“Now, Mary, calm yourself. I'll take care of everything,” Warble tries to comfort his wife.
As Warble is about to begin negotiations with Comfy on terms for purchasing the Arodnap, he notices two officers exit a police squad car parked on the street between his giant lawn (actually, it might help you to visualize it if you recall to mind the one in F. Scott Fitzgerald's “The Great Gatsby,” except that there is no ocean close by) and the mall (perhaps you'd like to envision the mall as the ocean).
Anyway, the officers of the law walk toward Warble with a purpose, on the alert and poised for action. The lead officer, Matt Landreaux, has one hand on his service revolver, while his partner, Martin Eising, speaks into the radio strapped to his shoulder.
Soundtrack Note: “Laundromat” by Rory Gallagher
Seeing who the officers have “targeted,” the rest of the group back away from Warble, leaving him alone in the middle of his back yard, staring non-plussed at the approaching lawmen.
Warble thinks he realizes what the pair must be up to. He turns to his partners in time and space travel and reveals the inner workings of his mind: “Probably here to inform me about my winning the Nobel Peace Prize, Consumer of the Year, Capitalist of the Century, etc. You can stick around and watch, if you like, just don't any of you stand between Ward and I as he makes a record of this glorious event with my camera.”
“Warble Poundcake McGorkle?” officer Landreaux asks, verifying Warble's identity.
“Yes?” Warble responds, squaring his shoulders and puffing out his chest, as he silently debates with himself over whether he should invite the officers into the house for coffee and donuts. He can't decide which setting will make for better photo ops—his kitchen or his back yard.
Landreaux yanks the camera containing the photographic portfolio of Warble's 'marvelous deeds'--which Warble was in the process of passing to Ward so that his image consultant could record the moment--away from Warble's vice-like grasp.
“Label that 'confiscated evidence' and seal it in a ziplock bag,” Landreaux tells his partner. Directing his attention back to Warble, he informs him: “You are under arrest for CAH/CAU,” pronouncing the charge as if it were a word rather than spelling out the acronym, so that it sounds somewhat like a crow saying, 'caw caw.'
Officer Landreaux deftly grabs one of Warble's arms, and unhooks the handcuffs hanging from the side of his belt with the other.
In a blink of an eye, Warble is cuffed, and officer Eising begins reading Warble his Miranda rights (2024 revision), or more specifically, reciting them from memory: “You have the right to keep your trap shut, and I hope you do, ...” when Warble interrupts him, turning to officer Landreaux and addressing him:
“Caca? You're arresting me for Caca?” Warble pitifully bleats, more confused than he's ever been in his life (which is really saying something).
“That's right, Mr. McGorkle. CAH/CAU: Crimes Against Humanity/Crimes Against the Universe. Your unwarranted and unauthorized meddling and intervention in the past has caused--just to name a few things off the top of my head--the poles to reverse polarity; a monumental increase in pollution, crime, climate change, catastrophic hurricanes and other weather disasters; social unrest to spiral out of control; and the Rolling Stones to do yet another farewell tour.”
Warble panics. “Officer, take these handcuffs off immediately!” he demands.
“Why, what's your problem?” Officer Landreaux responds dryly, expecting a complaint that the cuffs are too tight or that the subject is allergic to titanium.
“How do you expect me to bribe you if I can't even reach my wallet?” Warble reasons.
At this, officer Landreaux frowns, shakes his head, turns to his partner and says, “Add 'Impersonating a Politician' to the charges against Mr. McGorkle.”
“MARY, SAVE ME!” Warble yells out plaintively, realizing his bribery attempt has utterly failed. “My wrists are getting claustrophobic! And besides that, I can't scratch me bum now!”
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Blackbird Crow Raven’s “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” is being serialized in this space each Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday; it is also available in its entirety from here.
You can listen to the recording of this excerpt, by the author’s alter ego, here: