SERIALIZATION OF “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” – Chapter 15 of 61
Consumer Warble Corners the Market on Feathered Critters
CHAPTER 15
Consumer Warble Corners the Market on Feathered Critters
Arriving in the Old Line State, Warble stashes his “pride and joy” (the Arodnap) behind a veritable hill of crab shells near a seafood restaurant. Espying a phone booth there, he takes a pad and pen and jots down the location of all seven pet stores in town.
Goose-stepping back to their hiding place (where the rest of the Oconomowoc 8 are waiting for Warble and holding their noses), Warble rips off one address from his pad and hands it to Ward, hands another to Jacques, and so on, until everybody but Mary has one pet store to visit.
“Buy all the birds they have,” Warble addresses the assembled throng. “If anybody gets nosy and wants to know why you’re cornering the market on flying beaked animals, turn up your nose, say, ’That’s for me to know and you to find out,’ and then, as a final gesture of fierce and stubborn independence, stick out your tongue at them. That should intimidate them and stop them from asking any more impertinent questions.
“We’ll meet back here after everybody’s made their purchases, pass the MC/D wand over the birds so we can put them all in the trunk (remembering to explicitly shrink them rather than use automatic mode, as most of the birds are smaller than breadbaskets and would otherwise grow to mammoth proportions), and then of course we’ll revert them to their normal size before turning them loose in that wacko commie beatnik pinko ratfink’s back yard.
“All right, synchronize your watches. It’s 3:14 pm Eastern Standardized Time. Get back here as soon as you can. Oh, and make sure to keep your receipts if you expect to get reimbursed next quarter.”
“Where am I going, Warble?” Mary asks, feeling left out, as no address had been doled out to her.
“Come with me, Mary, we’re going to the exotic pet store down the road a piece.”
Soundtrack note: “Down the Road a Piece” by Foghat
The next couple of hours go by in rather pedestrian fashion (mainly because all of Warble’s entourage are walking from their ‘secret hideout’ to the pet stores and back).
Each member of the unlikely group of travelers return to “Crabshell Hill” one by one, until Warble and Mary are the only ones missing.
“Well, you know what they say,” crows Albert. “One boy will do the work of one boy; two boys will do the work of half a boy.”
“That may be, Albert,” Marianne says, “but Mary is not a boy, so that theory flies pretty much right out the window or falls flat on its face in this instance.”
“Maybe Mary’s not a boy, but the principle of the thing is still true, I think,” Albert defends himself.
This starts a big argument, though, as Marianne vehemently contends that the “Boys Inverse Work Ratio Rule” only applies to males specifically, and that it doesn’t hold water with females.
Comfy stays out of the argument at first, but finally notes: “If it only applies to boys, then why are Warble and Mary, who you admit is not a boy, taking so long? Where are they?”
Just then, the belated duo arrive. Mary is carrying several bird cages in each hand, and is even balancing one on her head. Each cage is packed wall to wall, and to the rafters, so to speak, with birds. The winged creatures look like teenagers crammed into phone booths or Volkswagen Beetles. Only not as happy.
Warble had heard Comfy asking about he and Mary’s whereabouts. “We’re right behind you, Comfy,” Warble wheezes, puffing and straining, pulling a giant cage on wheels behind him.
“What is that thing?” Marianne asks, on getting her first glimpse of the creature in the cage.
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Blackbird Crow Raven’s “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” is being serialized in this space each Sunday and Thursday; it is also available in its entirety from here.
You can listen to the recording of this excerpt, by the author, here: