SERIALIZATION OF “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” – Chapter 42 of 61
Warble Conspires Against a Man He Considers to be More Dangerous than Hitler and King Leopold
“Now to destroy the black-hearted villain, the agent of evil, the supporter of iniquity!” Warble yells. “I've really been looking forward to this one,” Warble enthuses, rubbing his hands together gleefully. “Saving the world can be tedious work at times, but this is one project I've been champing at the bit to tackle.
“After I eliminate this threat to our way of life, this seditious son of perdition, they will erect a statue of me, Consumer Warble, on Wall Street, bigger than all the statues of Lenin, Lennon, and Hussein ever made combined. My fame and honor will be limitless and last to time immemorial.”
“You will do this, Warble?” Mary asks, hands on hips. “You mean you're going to tackle this project all by yourself, are you?”
“Oh, I get your drift,” Warble replies. “Don't you worry, little lady, I will generously allow you all to come along and help me—and serve as eye-witnesses of my glorious exploits (lucky you). And, if you really give it a good effort and concentrate, you might even outdo yourself and actually accomplish something this time. In that rare event,”
Warble goes on, “future generations may commission small—maybe even 7/8th life-size statues of you all, too, that would be arrayed around and beneath the gigantic statue of me, like so many moons orbiting me in that rarified air that surrounds my presence.”
“Oh, brother,” is all Mary says to that.
“I am not your brother, you know that, Mary, and I wish you would stop implying that I was anything like that doofus,” Warble hotly remarks.
“Doofus?! He's the Editor-in-Chief of Audubon magazine!” Mary shoots back, proud as she is of her little brother.
“I rest my case,” Warble says smugly. “He's obviously a birdbrain.”
Jacques has grown bored with the family tiff. “Who is this terrible person you can't wait to nullify, Warble—Genghis Khan? Nathan Bedford Forrest? King Leopold of Belgium? Hitler? Stalin? Mussolini? Osama Bin Laden? Charlie Sheen?”
“What, those guys?! Heck no! So Hitler gave the Jews gas by making them engage in Jimmy Dean Sausage eating contests—no big deal! So Stalin formed a band with John Lennon and Richard Marx and named it the Grouchos—so what? So Leopold taught Ricky Ricardo to play the congo drums—who cares? And Moose-alini? So he threw a fireworks party for the Abysinnians—big whoop! They don't even exist any more! And N.B. Forrest—a rank amateur—instigating pillow fights in the army barracks is all he could think of to do. And of course nobody gives a continental dern about bin Laden getting rich after cornering the market on Afghan sweaters and becoming a hermit! I, for one, surely couldn't care less!! And Charlie Sheen has lost his sheen, if you know what I mean.
“No, those fellas were just petty criminals compared to the incorrigible psychopath I've got my sights set on. Besides, what did those fellas ever do that was a threat to our economy? I'm talking here about a genuine threat to our commercial future, a man so black of heart that he would throw a monkey wrench—nay, a veritable King Kong wrench, I daresay!--into the intricate workings of our great capitalistic machine, the driving force that makes us who we are as Americans and without which America would not be the greatest country on earth!”
“Holy cow! This guy really sounds dangerous,” Albert admits. “Is it Malcolm X? Cesar Chavez? You said he was a man, so it couldn't be Mother Jones. How about Ralph Nader? Noam Chomsky? Michael Moore? Or perhaps Al Gore?”
“Amateurs, would-be revolutionaries, and wannabe activists!” Warble says, dismissively waving his hand. “None of them worth our time and attention. The man we've got to stop, come what may, whatever it takes, take no prisoners, no holds barred, get 'er done, come Dallas or high water, and by any means necessary, is Keith McHenry!”
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Blackbird Crow Raven’s “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” is being serialized in this space each Sunday and Thursday; it is also available in its entirety from here.
You can listen to the recording of this excerpt, by the author’s alter ego, here: